When should I come out?

[Krisvm]

Hi,

 

I hope it is okay for me to ask this question. What I was wondering is how to work out when to come out to work and family?

 

I have been displaying femme in public for a while now and started meeting friends as such and I am going through other areas (such as voice lessons) to help me transition.

 

However, I am still not sure of my labels (genderqueer seems best) or pronouns (maybe Xe but I am not sure about using neopronouns) and I don't know if I should be sure of everything before I talk to them.

 

I work remotely so people only seen me on skype (which I have done in dresses and makeup but hasn't raised any questions) and most of my family live overseas so I see them only a couple of times a year at most. 

 

At the same time, when I came out to my wife it took a lot to work through it not as much due to my gender identity but that I hadn't told her earlier when I was struggling and caused a lot of trust issues. So should I tell them earlier?

 

Also with friends now posting photos of me presenting femme there is a small chance they will see some before I tell them. And worry that would cause strain.

 

I hope this makes sense and if anyone has any thoughts would be great.

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Kris,

The question is a good one. In general, it's often best to hold off on coming out to family until we have a firmer understanding of ourselves. If we are unsure, that often comes across as being confused and makes it harder for them to accept it. In your case, if you feel there is great enough danger of them finding out on their own, you'll have to make a judgement call. This has been my experience.

 

Lots of love,

Timber Wolf ?

[Krisvm]

Thank you for this.

I don't think the risk is that high. We don't share the same friend circles and if they did I don't think they would be upset I am trans as such, would be more the explaining.

[Charlize]

It sounds like you are becoming more comfortable with yourself.  I doubt others will feel the same as your wife, meaning they won't have trust issues.  That was a problem i had as well with my wife but years have calmed those fears,  My family has mostly been fine and those with major issues have mostly accepted my new reality.  I hope you are seeing a therapist.  That and sharing here helped me get through many of the difficult times.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Krisvm]

Thanks Charlize *hugs*. Yes we have been, actually just finished as we worked through a lot of our problems and are now just trying to use the tools ourselves.

 

Good to hear your family were mostly fine and gives me belief mine will too.

 

 

BTW. I LOVE your name. So cool.

[Kirsten]

Coming out is one of those things we get to decide. There never be a “right” or a “wrong” time to come out. When you are ready, that’s when. This is your decision and you shouldn’t let others have anything to do with it. If you are comfortable, then by all means. And if not, then wait. 

Remember this one thing though. Once you tell people, you can’t undo that action. So be sure before you start. 

 

[Krisvm]

Thank you for that. That is great advice.

[Krisvm]

Going back on this. I am starting to prep to build up to come out I think. Not there yet but going to work towards it.

 

I wanted to know, my family don't live near me and I don't see in person often,  do people think it is better to write the emails and send them as I have seen some people do? Or would it be better to set up a video call session to talk it through in person?