Strangest Payoffs

[Guest Jeannine Bean]

Last couple of years I got into something called the "Pick up Artist" community. Basically I hung out with gentlemen (and I use the term advisedly, as most of these people were very high quality individuals) with incredibly good social skills. I would approve of most of these guys dating my little sister. And yes, I hung out with them as they dropped into the nicest clubs around and consistently pulled the best looking women in the place. And I learned to do pretty well myself.

One big key was authenticity, or congruency. As it turns out, it doesn't matter if someone is a total nerd-o trekky who likes to collect meteorites. The best thing for that person to do is wear those affections loud and proud, talk about what they like, and be friendly and easy going. Usually, no matter how nerdy/dorky/social misfit/freak the person might seem to be, people will accept that person if they're happy with themselves. A cool person is a cool person.

For me, I developed a lot of comfort in social situations. And I can still use the skill set to make friends and potential lovers...

Anyways, fast forward to now, and lately I've just jumped into everything with both feet in terms of social transition. I noticed that, even my first couple of times, I only felt a little odd about wearing a skirt out, or dressing pretty much any way. I'm fine with makeup (but I wore it some back in high school anyways soo...). Sometimes people laugh at me, but a lot of people really think I'm cute, and seem to want to hang out even more or be extra flirty. In the end, some folks are cool, some folks are asshats :-). Shopping can be a bit of a drag in the socially conservative country only because I seem to have a knack for getting asked to leave stores :-( . But I'm learning which people are cool and which one's are not so...

Well, that's all just to say... I think maybe social skills are social skills, and confidence is confidence. I am happy that all the work I put into learning social skills is making some of these things, like clothing and names, and pronouns, and introductions, and (for the most part) which bathroom I go or how I speak -- quickly become in the "background" of my life where I want them to be... after less than a month.

So maybe, just maybe, you should try walking around town with a wizard's robe for a day... and approach strangers in bookstores and try to make friends or dates. And maybe it would payoff to go to malls and make the girls working at Victoria's secret laugh out loud, then see if you can find out a piece of information from them they wouldn't tell their mom. And maybe it would be fun to go to a hot dance club and have lascivious conversations with the cutest person there...

Because two years of those kinds of experiences have made the one I'm having now immesureably easier than I think it could have been.

--Jeannine

PS: Of course my boss said I cannot violate the male dress code at my job... period. But otherwise I can do anything I want (and when you start looking at the letter of the law, it's easy to get around things)... Many of my students even say "yes ma'am" to me nowadays. Again, I swear it's due to congruency and not making a big deal out of stuff... friendliness and a certain openness and positivity really seems to get good reactions from people, whether I'm asking them to treat me like a lady or go home and jump into bed with me (or both, LOL)...

[Guest Soph]

Really nice tips.

It really is difficult sometimes to not think that you're always being judged (I guess everybody is a solipsist in a sense).

One question I had was whether it is legal to kick somebody out of a store for reasons like gender. It certainly doesn't seem like it is, and to be honest they shouldn't care; you're a paying customer no matter what. Then again, were that to happen to me I doubt I would make much noise... but I'm sure the law would be on my side.

A lot of times when I'm out and about, I don't even think about what I'm wearing. I just walk up to the counter and order my food as confidently as if I were dressed as I had for 18 years (maybe more so, since I'm no longer lying to myself). But sometimes I get really upset. I'll see some friends hanging out and I'll wish I were as good looking as some of them, or other little things like that. And occasionally that is enough to push me over into suicidal

My point, I guess, is that its not easy to intentionally exude confidence. Its really something that just happens (at least for me)

[Guest Jeannine Bean]

Really nice tips.

It really is difficult sometimes to not think that you're always being judged (I guess everybody is a solipsist in a sense).

One question I had was whether it is legal to kick somebody out of a store for reasons like gender. It certainly doesn't seem like it is, and to be honest they shouldn't care; you're a paying customer no matter what. Then again, were that to happen to me I doubt I would make much noise... but I'm sure the law would be on my side.

A lot of times when I'm out and about, I don't even think about what I'm wearing. I just walk up to the counter and order my food as confidently as if I were dressed as I had for 18 years (maybe more so, since I'm no longer lying to myself). But sometimes I get really upset. I'll see some friends hanging out and I'll wish I were as good looking as some of them, or other little things like that. And occasionally that is enough to push me over into suicidal

My point, I guess, is that its not easy to intentionally exude confidence. Its really something that just happens (at least for me)

I think for confidence we have to have reference experiences. Times where we've been ourselves or done what we wanted and it turned out okay. If we cannot get those then doing things like running around all day in something like a wizard's robe and paying with sakajewia coins because they look like gold coins can be a lot of fun... I believe that experiences like that can just scramble the brain's internal judgement system, since no one really has a way to react to that. I mean, we all know how to relate to men, to women... but how to you relate to someone who appears to be a sorcerer from another time. It sounds silly, but there's something there about breaking repor with everyone's patterns that might be good for the brain.

I am reading Veronika decides to die right now. It's interesting how much it gets into breaking out of routines and doing things outside the norm. Since that's the fear we all end up feeling confined by.

--Jeannine

PS: I live in Taiwan. I don't think the law cares if people kick me out of their stores. Maybe back in the states.... but I think private businesses have that right. I just want to learn Chinese for "I have money and I might want to buy something from you, you are being a bad businessperson!"