Forgive Me, For I Am A Boy.

[EVAN_DESU]

This is just a story I started a few days ago, I don't know if I should continue though.

Mother always said to follow my heart. Dad never really spoke a word. Afraid of the road, I stand on the sidewalk. I don’t think I’m quite ready for a trip down memory lane. Though, through good and bad, I thought and thought, and finally came to a conclusion. There’s a reason we live. Weather it be for dreams or memories, a part of us always wants to carry on, and no matter what, we must trek up the high peaks and trudge through the muddy waters. That is, if we want to see the end of the world. End of the world…..I don’t think of it as the figure of speech it’s known as. To me, the end of the world is a place where there’s finally peace, no more troubles ahead. A place where we can walk hand-in-hand and be content with ourselves and feel warm in our hearts. Though, with this, there is no future. With no future there’s no wonder. Now, tell me, what’s life worth living if there is no such thing as “wonder” ? If you can’t wonder about tomorrow……. And as I pondered, I realized I was well on my way to that future, but first I had to take a step. A step down a long, winding road I call memory lane.

A light rain storm appeared on the horizon as I walked to St. Adelaide, a private school I’ve been attending since, what has it been now? Eight years? Almost eight years ago. I’ve basically known no other life, but that of a highly religious Christian family. A family with strict rules and superficial morals,. Loving everything so proper and pure, they thought they’d change me, but they didn’t. If I had it my way, I’d turn back in a heartbeat. Back to the good old days when mother wasn’t so strict and father actually cared, back to when I was a happy pre-schooler without a care. Those days were so few, I hardly remember them.

All I know now is that I am a Christian, and that I should take pride in being one. I find it so agonizingly hard. It’s not what I believe in at all. Though these are not my beliefs, I lie. I lie to keep everything in place. To keep everyone from fighting and to keep everyone and everything calm. If I were to ever show anyone my true-self, I would be shunned. I would surely be sent to “Hell”. Caught up in my thoughts, I decided to focus on the world around me, my reality. I focused on the weather. I loved this type of weather.

And as I watched the trees sway back and forth from the light winds, I noticed my friend, Mary, walking up ahead.

“Mary! Wait for me!” I called out to her.

She turned around and smiled.

“Hurry up, Antoinette, you’re always late!”

“I know, I know, just wait, I’m coming!”

“You really need to learn how to get to school on time, don’t you think?” She said in a serious tone.

“Yeah, I guess…….hey, did you ever hear about what happened to Sister Roberta?”

For a few moments there was complete utter silence.

“I…I heard she was beaten…..” Mary spoke solemnly.

“Wh…why? Was it….was it because…..you know?”

She, too, looked towards the ground.

“Y-yeah….good thing though, right? We wouldn’t want a vile person like….him teaching us, right?”

At that point, I didn’t quite know what to say. Sister Roberta, or should I say, Pastor Robert, was very close to me. I remember when we first met, eight years ago. I was known as the “shy one” of my church and school. He used to pick on me a lot, weather it be to say a prayer, or read excerpts out of the bible, he did everything I detested, which in turn, made me the stronger, more outgoing person I am today. I remember a few years ago, when he was babysitting me, I caught him fooling around with women’s wigs and putting on tons of make-up. I also remember flat out asking him “Pastor Robert, are you a girl?” At first he was shocked, he thought I had gone to bed, but obviously I hadn’t. He couldn’t believe that I saw the whole thing. I remember him breaking down crying, asking god to forgive his sins, and quote “Rid this memory from this virgin child’s brain.” or some nonsense like that. I couldn’t understand why he was so upset. With my ignorant childish mind, I tried to console him by saying that I, too, was a boy, and that there was nothing wrong with it and that he shouldn‘t want to change himself. “Why do you want to be a girl? They have cooties, ya know?!” I was the epitome of clueless. He just looked at me in awe after I said that I was a boy, after all, I did, and still do, have a female body. He held me close and we read from the bible. Afterwards he told me to confess anything and everything about this “boy” thing. As I grew up, I began to understand what he was going through. And over the years we have become very close. He insisted that I should seek help for this “boy” problem, but I didn’t, because to me, I thought it was perfectly normal. I thought that I actually was a boy, I just had female parts. Nowadays, with the influence of the church and my family, I just don’t know anymore, and now that I find out Sister Roberta was beaten and in the hospital, I was afraid more than ever, if this was really how I felt, then may this “God” help me. Weather or not I believe in such things, I do not wish to sin.

“Um….yeah, I guess. He’s pretty sick-minded, and now I hope he is getting help.”

Mary and I walked to class, late, like we always were. I always found it so funny how she managed not to take her own advice.

“Late again I see, ladies.”

[Guest Neuro]

This is really interesting. I remember having a conversation like this when our music minister died from AIDS (he was gay, we were in a Catholic church) and nobody really knew what to say. There was name-calling and nastiness, but only one girl had the courage to stand up and say what a good man he was. Now in our new songbooks, it has a dedication to his memory in the front cover.

I would love to see continuation of your story :3 I'm a big fan of school stories/dramas, it has got me very interested for the characters so far!!

[Guest leo]

agrees with neuro

you got us hooked

[Guest Nikk]

Veeeerry interesting. It's a good hook to a longer story, although I have to wonder if there is more to the story at all. You have, basically, a full scene right there, but is it a scene that fits in with other scenes to lead up to a larger climax (otherwise known as a fuller story, occasionally a novella or novel), or is it just a collection of short scenes like that? Also consider your characters - it seems as if you've put a whole lot of attention on just the transgendered aspects of the characters and not a whole lot of attention on anything else. We have hardly any idea of who your characters are except that the boy's name is Antoinette, (would he want to be called something shorter? Less feminine?) that he has a female body, and that he goes to a Christian (Catholic?) school. What's his favorite color? What does he look like? Does something remind him of his favorite book? Movie? You have a ton of opportunities for detail in there, and if you continue, you should definitely look into the more detailed aspects of your characters.... Just be careful not to info dump.

That said, you've definitely got an intriguing piece of work right there. You write dialogue really well, and your character's thoughts are realistic and compelling. I think you should continue, but the choice is entirely up to you.

I'm sorry for all the constructive (hopefully) criticism, I really do like your story! Honestly, I do! If you don't like my crit, feel free to completely ignorrreeeee me.

~Nikk

[Guest CharlieRose]

Loooovvvin that first paragraph. And you're not even in high school? Nice.

[adds more constructive criticism]

If that first paragraph is/was connected to the whole story... Now that would be awesome. I always make sure that everything I do has a particular meaning, and only that meaning is expressed in the story, y'know? Like everything adds up to that one thing. You haven't written the whole thing yet, so I can't really say it does or doesn't, but it's an important thing to consider, in my opinion. I think that Nikk gave good advice, too.

Now I should really stop procrastinating and write my own story.

[Sally]

I'm waiting for the movie.

Seriously, I am very bad when it comes to critiques for any unfinished works and I tend to try to steer the author into my idea of where it should go, so I will wait PATIENTLY for the completed work.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Neuro]

I agree with Sally, I am bad at critiquing unpublished works especially rough drafts. But I can tell this story has some amazing potential, yes~

Aw man, a movie would be great o^o

[EVAN_DESU]

The funny part is when I first thought of it, I thought of it s a movie. xD

[Guest Old Mustang 1]

As your father they story is great but i need to know more about the story tell more about the school and your friends