Slightly confused or maybe not?

[Asoundian]

hey everyone. Let me start by saying thank you for taking the time to read and all advice and input is appreciated.

First off I’ll give a bit of background on myself. I am 25, female, been out as lesbian since I was 14. Think that covers as a sufficient generalization for now.

I shall launch into my present “dilemma” now... 

I will admit to not being such a great person. Not really sure what has drove me to doing this... if it is really my deserve to be someone or something else or maybe I’m just a bad person? Overly the last few years, in several different situations I have found myself posing as a guy... I really am not sure what made me start doing it. I never meant anything by it. Wasn’t looking for anything. I was just talking to people, claiming to be a guy... of course in the midst of that on more than one occasion women have became attracted to me and I went with it. Which was very bad on my part and should have never led anyone on. I am very aware of that... in the end I always felt bad and had to tell them the truth. I couldn’t pull someone on along a string just to inevitably crush them.

What I have been thinking over the last few days when a friend asked me “how does that do anything for you? I mean they think they are talking to a guy so how does it benefit you” my response at the time was something along the lines of “they think it’s me and it works” now that I’ve stewed for a few days... my confusion or non confusion has grown. I’ve thought back over those “relationship/situations” whatever you would like to call them... thought back over random thoughts I’ve had over the years... laying in bed “wouldn’t it be nice to just wake up in the morning and be a guy” would it solve my issues? The actual sexually geared thoughts of me being male and not female. I will admit that fantasy wise I imagine 95% of the time that yes I am a guy. I realized that there is tons of moments throughout the years when I have pretended to be a guy and not just the last few years. How I have wished I could be one... 

Needless to say I’ve spent my last few days doing research. Reading up on ways to know... I know that it is mainly my mindset or mental status that I feel more connected to being male. My body has never really bothered me that much. The lower region at least. I will admit that the top half does put me off a little. I thought I would come here... maybe get a little input on whether I’m simply over thinking/analyzing or if the possibility of me truly identifying as a male is really there. I’ve partially decided that I do want to go see a therapist, not because I think my head is messed up, but to talk these thoughts out and if that is truly what I want or need from my life then I want to start heading in the direction I need to be.

Sorry if this was a muddled mess. Brain is quite a jumble at the present. But thank you for reading and all input

[VickySGV]

You talk a lot about "pretending" to be a guy.  Lets go to the "Trans" side of that and say you were simply being your True Self which is male, and in the off hours, and to satisfy others pretended to be female for their sake.  You unravel what you have said there and it is time in your life to see a Behavioral Therapist who has been trained in Gender Therapy and see what they can help you with.  Welcome to the forums.

[Dain]

Hi, it does sound like you are part of the transgender community. Not every trans person has a problem with their genitals. That was also something that threw me off before.

 

10 minutes ago, 4G63 said:

“they think it’s me and it works”

 

That just pretty much sums it all up, no?

[Asoundian]

Just now, Dain said:

That just pretty much sums it all up, no?

I suppose it does. I think maybe my issue is coming to the realization that everything doesn’t fit in the neat little box like I thought it did. Having to alter my thought of “this is what I am” to how “how I actually am”. It’s not my opposition to it that upsets me. Just the fact that I thought I had myself figured out to learn that I’m not quite solved yet.

[Charlize]

Society long asked me to believe in "neat little boxes".  As time goes on i've found the walls are not nearly as defined and solid as i was trained to believe.  We can pick and ride our own wave as we wish and need.

Certainly it's nothing to be ashamed of, more a world to explore and hopefully enjoy.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Jani]

Great surfing analogy Charlize!

 

I think you've written out exactly how you feel and thats fine.  Its ok to be who you are.  You don't have to act.  

Your friend asking you that pointed question was an act of love as it seems it did make you think seriously about the your response.  I also think its wonderful that you've come the conclusion you need to explore this by speaking with a therapist, for all the right reasons.   

Jani

[reyindium]

12 hours ago, Dain said:

Hi, it does sound like you are part of the transgender community. Not every trans person has a problem with their genitals. That was also something that threw me off before.

I'd like to second what Dain said here.

 

Before I got to know enough transgender people, my impression was that if you didn't do the hrt/surgery/have x amount of dysphoria/childhood evidence of claiming to be another gender...then you weren't "trans enough". Simply by not identifying with the gender you were born with makes a person transgender, whether you realize it early or later on in life. The rest of it, like body affirmation, gender presentation, social validation, etc comes on an individual basis and each decision is as valid as the next person's.

 

[tracy_j]

To use a commonly used term, people need to get used to thinking 'out of the box'. I don't think I have ever fitted in any box except my own, even before I ever heard about transgender. I think that if people really allowed themselves to openly think they would realise we all are similar and different. I agree totally with Charlize.

 

Tracy