Are my parents transphobic? Am I wrong to hate them?

[NotSamuel]

I came out to my parents as MTF trans about a month or so ago which was the scariest thing I’ve ever had to do. They didn’t take the news very well... 

They tried to tell me it was just a phase and it was something that would pass, that I just ‘wanted to be a girl’ and wasn’t actually one. They thought my trans friend who had supported and helped me had ‘influenced me’ and somehow made me trans. They tried to draw attention to how masculine I looked and how I wasn’t really a girl which made me feel really dysphoric.

 

I sat down for about an hour while they said these things and tried to explain myself but really I was so anxious and terrified that I could barely form the right words. After that one hour or so the conversation stopped and we haven’t talked about it since. At first they stopped talking to me as much, then they pushed things back to how they were, using my deadname and he/him pronouns as ‘pet names’ such as “boy”, “lad”, “son” etc.

 

Every time they say it now I can only think of how they should know I’m not their son yet they still say it. Even though I hang a pride flag in my room they ignore my identity. I wish I could tell them how I really feel but the fact is that I am so so scared. I’m so angry and frustrated at them but I feel like the blame all comes back to me. I’m the one who’s not standing up for myself. And I feel like I’m being unreasonable. Are they transphobic or do they just misunderstand it? Should I feel this much hate towards them when it’s my fault since I can’t stand up for myself? 

[Jani]

I think hate is too strong a word for use here.  Your parents obviously are struck by this news and don't know much about transgender people or how to deal with them, so they deal in the way they know.  Which obviously isn't helping you much.  

 

I think there has been a lot of good advise in your other posts.  I don't know how old you are but it seems you are still living at home.  This is tough as you have to live by their rules.  You might suggest going to a counselor as a family.  I understand you have the GIC system in place there and it may take time to get an appointment.  Otherwise you might be able to go private.  

 

Jani

[VickySGV]

If you feel it is hate, then it is and I won't question it.  Where your parents are is frustrating to the extreme, and without a lot of education they are not going to change.  The question is how to get them that education.  The second question is how to keep you from going crazy in the meantime.   Work on your anger and learn how to let go of it.  You resent them and their attitude and your seeming helplessness just now.  Get some help at your school to deal with the resentment.  In time you can tune out your folks comments at least enough to live day to day. 

 

There has been a load of misinformation recently and your folks have gotten it but there is good information out there.  In England you have a group called Mermaids that helps Trans youth and parent and would be a good resource. (One of the Prince's recently made a good sized donation to them.)  If there is an LGBTQ organization in your area they can help as well. You can keep doing positive things for yourself to offset what your parents are doing and some of the rest here have given you good ideas.  Let your folks think you are sleeping on it and maybe they will shut up long enough to listen to you.

[Ellora]

8 hours ago, Jani said:

Your parents obviously are struck by this news and don't know much about transgender people or how to deal with them, so they deal in the way they know.

Educate them, and be as patient with them, as you want them to be with you while they can learn about What you have just told them.

I don’t know how old you are, but they have known your CiS , for many years, so it might take them a while to understand  what you have told them.

It takes some of us a life time to understand our own feelings and inner self, so it might take them a long time as well. I wish you the best! 

[Charlize]

    i can certainly feel your resentment and frustration.  We grow used to support from our families and when we get denial instead, it hurts.  You have had good advice above.  Take care of yourself.  In time you will be independent of your parents.  Time may well change the way your parents react.  Remember they love you.  Those closest to us often take the longest to understand and accept big changes they were not expecting.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize 

[AnnaD]

if you can, try sending them something explaining what trans is. it worked pretty well for me, as they atleast understand it now.

[Dana Michelle]

Some of this sounds a lot like my parents. They think it is just a phase, that I'm confused and have been brainwashed and find excuses to claim I act masculine. However, they don't do this very often because they would rather not talk about it so they can pretend I'm not transitioning.