Emotional Mind Dump - trigger warning

[SaraAW]

Not sure where to put this, just need to get it out. I just had a meltdown. My mother-in-law has been staying with us for going on two weeks. She has some mental health issues stemming from early life trauma that have left her a hate filled and bigoted human being. Hardly anyone in my wife’s family can stand her for than afternoon, but wife, bless her big heart always tries to keep the peace in the family and spend time with her mom. Her mom spends most of the visits talking negatively about everyone in her life, does things to deliberately to upset my wife and no I have discovered she is very anti trans. I am not out to her and my wife has not told her. Out of the blue a couple of days ago she starts talking negatively about trans women and how they’re not women and said they could never be as they have not had some typical women experiences, including some horrible experiences that some women experience, like rape. I kept quiet out of respect for my wife. Even though inside I was screaming at how awful we are treated and sexual abuse is something that many trans people have to face. After her hate fueled rant, she proceeded to state that maybe I’m transgender, because I have grown my hair out some. Little does she know she hit the nail on the head. Again I said nothing. Who goes on a hate filled rant about a group of people and then makes a joke that one of people in the room might be part of that group?

 

Anyway, this morning she starts talking to me about an article she is reading about a TERF getting upset because people are protesting that she should not be allowed to use a nearby public library to spread her hate. My wife’s mom then proceeds to tell me again how awful it is that this women is getting protested against. She goes on about how awful it is that men are allowed to use women’s washrooms. That they shouldn’t be allowed in there because of things women do in there. 
 

At this point I lost it. I said what, go to the washroom?  She added some more ridiculous beliefs about us. I could barely even talk I was so mad. My wife came into the room as I unloaded, calling her mom an angry spiteful hate filled bigoted woman. I left, got into my car and headed to an appointment. I sent an apology via text to my wife. Not sure I want to go home now that my appointment is over. I don’t want to be anywhere near my mother-in-law right now, the thought of it just makes me sick. 
 

Thanks for having such a safe space where we can share our thoughts.  I hope no one has to deal with a person like her, but unfortunately, there are still many more like her in the world. 
 

I hope you all have a wonderful and safe day. Don’t worry about me, I just needed to vent and am already starting to feel better having done so. 
 

*hugs*
 

Sara

[NB Adult]

Bless your sweet heart Sara, seems we all have one of those in our lives at one time or another. I was loudly criticized by a fat old crone at a coffee shop who said, "How could you possibly know what women go through," she was an angry bitch who had clocked me as born male. I said, "Of course I do, I'm married and emotionally shared my wife's pain as I watched our child being born, my heart went out to her, it left me with the shakes. I went through painful periods with her and just about froze my ass off in bed during the dead of winter with the windows open as she suffered night sweats from menopause!" She shut up and stormed off while others clapped at my response. Hang in there Sara, she'll wear out her welcome and the spouse will send her home.

[SaraAW]

@NB Adult Thank you for your kind words and sharing your story. I hope your day is filled with love and kindness. 
 

*hugs*

[Jackie C.]

1 hour ago, SaraAW said:

Who goes on a hate filled rant about a group of people and then makes a joke that one of people in the room might be part of that group?

 

My mother. After I'd come out to her of course so she very well knew I was trans. That's (part of) why we're not speaking right now.

 

On the plus side, the other day she was having a conversation with my wife:

Egg Donor: "Am I the only person that has a problem with this?"

My Lovely Wife: "Yes."

 

I actually think you handled that pretty well. You apologized to your spouse for accidentally making her collateral damage. I'd probably do something extra-nice for her as well and make sure she knew I loved her. I wish you and your wife the best. Toxic people suck.

 

Hugs!

[NB Adult]

We're not alone sweetheart!

[NB Adult]

45 minutes ago, Jackie C. said:

 actually think you handled that pretty well. You apologized to your spouse for accidentally making her collateral damage. I'd probably do something extra-nice for her as well and make sure she knew I loved her. I wish you and your wife the best. Toxic people suck.

 

Hugs!

 

Excellent advice Jackie!

[SaraAW]

@Jackie C. thanks, I will definitely try and do something nice for my wife, that’s great advice. I am so sorry your mother is like she is, happy to hear your wife is so awesome. I wholeheartedly agree, toxic people suck. 
 

Have an amazing day. 
 

*hugs*
 

Sara

[Jackie C.]

I'm sorry your Mother-In-Law is like that too. I cannot fathom what makes some people hate like that. It makes no sense to me whatsoever.

 

Best of luck with the clean-up.

 

Hugs!

[Jani]

Sara, you have the patience of a saint!   I realize the MIL tipped you over the edge but that's all right.  Its your home and you have the right not to have to listen to her screed or to be abused (whether she knew it or not).  She seems to have a self confidence issue that may never be resolved.  Your wife is a saint as well.  

 

Hugs, Jani  

[SaraAW]

Thanks @Jani  it’s really my wife that is more of the saint. I have been biting my tongue for years in front of my MIL, but talking to my wife after each visit.  
 

On a really positive note, she said she’s finally leaving today. Hopefully by the time I get home from work she’ll be gone. 
 

Have a great day!  
 

*hugs*
 

Sara

[Lenneth]

Well, I'm afraid my situation is necessarily similar to yours @SaraAW.  It does have one similarity though.  My mother is not nearly as difficult as your mother-in-law.  In her case it's rejecting the reality that I'm trans and while she won't openly get ugly about it,  She leans towards subtlety and is extremely persitent in undermining my identity.  More often than not, she is passive agressive with me.

For context, she was raised as, and still is, a consertive southern baptist.  My grandfather was a deacon for 20 something odd years and all of my sisters were raised like that.  My grandfather is a hard line conservative and quite rigid in his beliefs.  For him it's all black and white.  While my mother isn't quite as bad, she still  holds mostlly the same beliefs as my grandfather.  She isn't ranting about things LGBTQ related issues in peoples faces,  but has settled on, for lack of a better word,  a PC attitude and won't openly express her beliefs.  Frankly I believe she is doing it to save face.  She doesn't want to look like she's intolerant about LGBTQ issues and the people in that community.   I knew my being trans was going to be a problem.  

I was well aware of her beliefs because she'd occasionaly let it slip in comments related to the issue.  She'd been doing that for years.  With family and friends she was quite open about it when the subject was mentioned.  Her rationale was essentialy believing people in our community were wrong and it wasn't natural and (like any of you  haven't heard this a thousand times or more) it wasn't in God's plans.  She also hides from the issue with the classic "I will not judge people in that community, but keep it away from me".  Part of me wanted to laugh when she said  she wouldn't judge people like that while doing exactly that.

 

Knowing all of that, I knew exactly how coming out to her was going to play out .  I don't know what exactly qualifies as my first step in the transition  process, but for me it would be the moment I bought a purse.  As time wore on I started finding and buying various things traditonaly associated with women.  I tried to keep it out of sight, but when she found the purse she wanted to know why I had it.  Fast forward two years and I had finally realized I was trans.  Fast forward again and I finally visited one of my partners.  They are non binary and had been supporting me in the process of my transition.  While there I started to really embrace my identity and my partner took me places to help my inside be reflected on the outside.  After all of that I knew I was going to have to take the leap and come out to my mother.  I believe she already had suspicions, but I came home with all the things I got and had earrinngs on and wearing one of my new shirts and a pair of capris while sporting painted nails.

Per the norm for her, she didn't really say anything about it at first.  I don't clearly remember what lead me to come out to her, but I told her about my partners and my identity as a woman.  The conversation ended with her telling me no matter what happens to me or what I look like, she will always see me as her son.  I don't know what she really took away from the conversation or if she didn't believe or understand all that was entailed in transitioning.  I was taken aback for a moment while getting ready to leave the house she looked at me asked, "You're going in that?"  I had a blouse, denim skirt, earrings, nails, and some jewelry.  I had was also wearing something I couldn't really define besides it being "shawl-like."  Maybe that was the tipping point for her because she started to get passive aggresive shortly thereafter.  When that didn't work like she wanted it to, she began the campaign  I mentioned earlier.  She refused to use the correct pronouns or my name. That escalated quickly and she started intentionally, and loudly, to make comments using the wrong pronouns and anything else she could think of in an effort to get people to know me as male.  A perfect example of that was during a visit to Golden Corral (Buffet style restaraunt).  The server was taking drink orders and called me "ma'am" in front of her.  Every time he came to check on us she very pointedly made comments in an effort to get the server to stop calling me "ma'am."  When my son first made a comment about my wearing girl things my mother jumped in to tell him Daddy felt like wearing it while "he" was out. 

 

Things went downhill from there and without getting into details, she bought a house and moved with my sons while telling me I was not welcome to live with them.  She told me I needed to figure myself out and, at one point, she simply said she didn't trust me with the boys.  As things stand now, we just aren't speaking to each other beyond the bare minimum required and I have been doing everything I can to avoid being around her at all.  I'm fortunate  to have my partners supporting me and finding places like this so I can talk about these things with a supportive community of people who understand the things I'm going through.  

[Guest]

21 minutes ago, Lenneth said:

into details, she bought a house and moved with my sons while telling me I was not welcome to live with them.  She told me I needed to figure myself out and, at one point, she simply said she didn't trust me with the boys.  As things stand now, we just aren't speaking to each other beyond the bare minimum required and I have been doing everything I can to avoid being around her at all.  I'm fortunate  to have my partners supporting me and finding places like this so I can talk about these things with a supportive community of people who understand the things I'm going through.  

I read all this and I’m sorry that your mother is being so difficult but I’m not sure how she can take your kids from you. That seems messed up. 

[Lenneth]

@Erica Gabriel, the reason she is able to take them is an entire story unto itself.  That was why I said “without getting into details.”  Between that and everything I was mentioning in my earlier post, it’s left me angry and hurt.  I have lost track of how many times I’ve cried about it all.  Her refusal to let me live with her and the boys put me in an extremely difficult position.  I can’t handle the cost of living alone, so the partner I visited back in August talked the situation over with me and we ultimately decided I should move in with them.  And while it is the best option, it will mean leaving Florida for Massachusetts and unable to be physically involved with my boys.  And given the way she’s been handling everything, I can’t say I have any faith in what she will tell or teach them.    Something I have been struggling with as I get closer to my move date is trying to get any time I can with them while it’s still possible.  Doing that means swallowing everything I feel about her and the situation for the sake of getting time with the boys.  
 

I’m actually going to see them in a few hours, but my mother has been using my son to manipulate me into doing things I have made clear I don’t want to do.  So I will be seeing them in her house.  Somewhere she’s well aware I don’t want to be and have actively avoided.  She knows I want to be with my son though and steered him to ask me to do it.  Now I’m struggling with how I will present during this visit.  Her feelings about the issue are well defined at this point and I worry she will restrict my ability to see my son in the limited time I have left if I don’t at least pretend to conform to her views.  It’s left me frustrated.  Either I dance to her tune by conforming to her views and hide the things she believes are wrong, or I stay true to who I am and work on being open about it in order to foster acceptance of it with my son at the risk of being cut off for the final weeks I have with him because she doesn’t believe it’s right to be the way I am or exposing the boys to a reality she doesn’t want accept or legitimize.  
 

It just hurts and I don’t know what to do.

[Guest]

My sister lost her daughters but was able to rebuild her life and get them back. Like you, she was (she passed 16 years ago) a good person and loved her children. I takes time, patience and persistence. 
 

I know that this is a difficult time for you and I’m sorry you are going through it.