Getting the courage to come out

[leomonade]

So to start off, I'm a teen transmale living in the western USA and I recently auditioned and got into a play the local studio is hosting (as a male character). I won't go too much into it besides that I've always had an interest in plays because they let me be myself as a guy when I was in the closet (still am), and this time the cast has mostly people I haven't met and I know that I want to be able to introduce myself at the first rehearsal as a guy. I really don't want to have to introduce myself to one more person as female, and the few people that I do know in the cast are really friendly towards LGBT people, and the staff asked for pronouns etc so I know I'd be fine there, at least mostly.

 

The problem is though, I need to come out to at least my parents before I transition at the play. My plan was to first come out to my mom (whose opinions I know better), then my dad/sister, then my friends/play, then my school. The deadline for accepting your part is in a week, and I know that if I tried to be trans undercover from my parents they'd either find out before I can tell them, or when I do tell them they'd feel betrayed and that would be rubbing salt into the wound that first their child is trans, and that their kid had to tell someone else before them (which would make them accepting my gender harder obviously). At this point, I have pretty much no idea how they'd respond other than that my mom doesn't fully understand the difference between gay and trans people and is willing to learn more, and that my dad has pretty much the same opinions as my mom. It's not that my parents dislike trans people, it's just that they're uninformed and directly said they don't want their kids to be gay/trans. Whether or not they'd accept me, though, I know that I need to come out soon before the first play rehearsal in mid-November. My plan is to try to come out this week before the deadline to accept our roles, and if that doesn't work, I'll try to come out between then and the first rehearsal so that I can tell the directors to call me by Leo/he right before the first rehearsal starts. 

 

The thing is, I haven't been able to get the courage to come out. Earlier, I told myself that I'd come out before signing up for the audition, and then told myself that I'd come out before the audition, and now that the audition is over and I got in, I'm probably gonna back out at the last second again. In those times, there's been multiple moments where I was alone with my mom and I knew was a good time to come out, but I couldn't make myself do it. I know I want to come out, I wouldn't be able to stand performing in front of hundreds of people as a girl playing a guy, or to the rest of the cast. It doesn't even matter as much whether or not my parents accept my gender, because at least then I wouldn't have the paranoia of hiding something so big from them, but that's the thing. Coming out is going to change practically everything. I'm scared of how they'll respond, even though I know I want to transition already, which makes me back out of doing something that would liberate me from one of my biggest problems.

 

Tl;dr I know I want to transition soon, before a certain deadline, but every time I try to come out to my parents to do so, I back out of it out of fear.

 

How do I get the guts to come out to my parents?

[EvanC]

I have to agree with MaryMary, you just have to jump in. And it is hard. That first step feels like walking off a cliff and when I before I did it, I thought of a million reasons why I should do it later, not today, not this moment, maybe later. But in the end when I came out to my husband, and again to my mom, the only thing I could do was just blurt it out. 

 

I feel like I'm constantly coming out these days, sometimes over and over to the same person. I'm a quite a bit older than you, having been with my husband for almost 30 years now, but I feel like I come out to him every time I decide what I need to do next in my transition. It goes from "I'm trans" to "I want to use this new name" to "I'm going to start hormones", and on and on. It does get a little easier each time I do it. 

 

Just remember to keep yourself safe. It's always okay to hold back on telling people if if you think it will put you in a situation you aren't old enough to deal with yet. It sound like you think your parents will at least try to understand. You could have some resources ready to give your mom to help her understand what being trans is. There are a lot of nice books out there, and organizations like PFLAG and HRC have resources for parents, and for people wanting to come out. I wish you luck, and am cheering you on. I hope it goes well for you.

[ShawnaLeigh]

I agree with these ladies too.  To a point.

Coming out is the most difficult and emotionally draining thing I have ever had to do.  I have just come out to those here, my therapist and just this morning my little sister.

It was so hard.  It worked out for me and I am so happy about it.

It took me a long while to do this.  I am 52.

I don't think you should just jump right in without seriously considering a lot of things.

Yes I agree its not healthy to hide yourself, believe me I know, but you can't just throw yourself into a meat grinder either.

Personally, I feel it is case by case.  Person by person.  Some will take it well and you probably know who will.  Some will not at all but it could be no skin of your nose.  Some may surprise you and hurt your feelings.   

Some could be your sole source of support, home, and livelihood.   

Its always best to take your time and do your homework.  Research each case or person and come up with a way to makes the impact of the information as easy as possible for both of you.

Don't lie.  Don't negotiate your feelings or needs.  Be truthful but do it in a way that they will respond well to.  Don't just drop it on them and expect them to just be ok with it.  They may in the long run but it could be a major shock to them at first.

 

In my case 98% of the people I know I will just tell via a Facebook post,  write a nice long post explaining why I am shutting my page down and give the option to friend me once I am up with my new page.  I will see who fades away and who still cares about me, take it or leave it I don't care.  I expect I will loose some old contacts and friends, etc.  I expect I will gain support from a lot too.  Some may even surprise me.

 

Telling my wife on the other hand is a whole different ball game.  She is currently supporting me, mostly.  I pay my share for sure.  I am not free loading but my employment has changed, for the better healthwise but about $10000 les per year.  Things are tight for us as a married couple.  Things would be impossible for me on my own.  This scares me at my age.  We share everything moneywise but I know I could not live on my own.  She could.  Financially she is in a better spot then I am.  (We do not share an account and have kept finances sperate for reason we both agree upon)  

Will I still tell her?  Yes.  For sure. There is a 50:50 chance it will go terribly wrong for me and I will deal with it then.   But I am being careful and finding ways to prepare for the conversation.

I'm not jumping right in.

JMO

Good luck with your coming out.