FtM, but doubtful of transition

[1macchiatothanks]

Hi, I'm J, 20 years old. I know that I'm transgender, but I don't see transition actually alleviating my gender dysphoria. I don't see myself passing. It's very disheartening because I've never felt "female". 

 

I've questioned my sexuality and gender since I was 4 years old. I've identified as a (cis) lesbian for about 5 years, out to a handful of people. The disgust I feel to be viewed as this adorable, delicate girl is unparalleled.

 

I've felt like my body has mocked me my entire life. I have no desire to bear children. I loathe my large chest and wide hips. (I've bound my chest for six years) I'm 5'2". Even my hands are tiny. If I was taller, I might consider transitioning, but I don't see myself passing, even with top surgery and hormones.

 

I feel at a loss with myself recently. I'm not comfortable with telling anyone I know that I am considering transition. I live in a very conservative corner of America. I may feel differently about all of this in a couple years, and after I've relocated, but right now I feel miserable.

[Jackie C.]

I'm sorry to hear that. Nobody should have to feel miserable about who they are. I'd happily give you a couple of my inches of height if I could. Maybe even a shoe size. I'd LOVE to be able to shop in regular stores. ?

 

I strongly suggest that you find a therapist after you've relocated and talk to them about your feelings. They might be able to help you find a path that's right for you.

 

I wouldn't worry about your height though. You're not that much smaller than some cis men I know. Thinking about it, you're not that much shorter than my brother-in-law. I'm drifting off topic though.

 

I wouldn't completely write off hormones either. You're young enough that you could see some pretty dramatic results. I want very much for you to be happy and comfortable in your own skin. Welcome to the community. We're happy to have you and you can ask us pretty much anything.

 

Hugs!

[ShawnaLeigh]

I have worked with a ton of guys your height and size.  If you feel like a man then you are a man.  Don’t let height or size change your desires.  
Some of us ladies that have changed are very tall. Wide shoulders. Big hands.  Never feel pretty but still know in their hearts they are true women.  
Just my 2 cents but be you.  
I am learning that one myself.  

[Jani]

Hello J and welcome.  Don't let height both you.  There are plenty of height-challenged guys out there.  Hopefully you will find this forum a safe place to speak whats on your mind with others that understand.  Please join in. 

 

Jani

[luke_b]

As a fellow ftm, id like to add my two cents as well. 

I'm pretty short (I don't even meet 5'5), but that doesn't make me any less of a guy, just like how it doesn't make my cis guy friends that are much shorter than me any less of a man. Sometimes when i feel really dysphoric about my height, I think back to all of the short celebrities out there, like Bruno Mars, Daniel Radcliffe, Kevin Hart, Prince (who was also 5'2), and Danny Devito (who is 4'10) and remind myself that I can be proud of my identity even if I am shorter than most, just as they are proud of themselves.

There are also a lot of short ftm youtubers out there such as Sam Collins (5'2) and Miles Mckenna (5'5) who give me hope for the future. Sam Collins is marrying his fiancee next year, which shows that even if you are short, there are still girls out there who will fall for you, and Miles Mckenna is almost famous for the platform shoes he wears that give a couple inches to his height.

 

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to Trans Pulse, J.  I'm in total agreement with my friends here.  As someone ID'd as male from birth, I grew to the impressive height of 5'3" tall.  It stopped me from getting picked for basketball teams in school, and made my attempt to become a paramedic more problematic.  But that's about it for downsides.  I went on to a successful career in government, allowed me to win a lovely wife and handsome son (who is 5'5" and a total ladies man) and have a good life.

 

So please don't sell yourself (ahem) short, J.  I know some wonderful, successful and handsome FtMs, in other words, men.  You would make them proud to join their ranks.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[EvanC]

Hi J.  I'm 5'2" too. I'm 51 and just started on testosterone about 4 weeks ago. I may never really pass, but I'm so much more at peace with myself right now. I feel like I've taken the path of becoming truly me, whatever that ends up looking like. 

 

I have friends who are a few more years on hormones who started not much younger than me, and to look at them, you wouldn't think they were anything but men. I know one man with tiny hands and feet and about 98 pounds soaking wet. His show size is the equivalent of a size 6 women's shoe, which means he has to buy boys shoes and he's in his 20s now. But 5 years on hormones, he's living and is completely accepted as a man. Testosterone is powerful stuff.

 

I'm sorry you're feeling miserable now. I did on and off for decades before I was in a place where I could really do something about it. You are still you, what ever you decide to or are able to do about it.

 

There are so many nice people here. They've both offered me advice and cheered me on when I needed it. I hope you can find the same support here too.

[Regn]

I agree with what others have said about height not being determinative. I'm about the same height as you and very conscious of it at times. My son (who is cis) is slightly taller and also very conscious of his lack of height. I think it's a thing men worry about, but having said that, I transitioned because I wanted to feel less estranged from by body - and I do. I've found that matters more for my wellbeing than how others perceive me.

 

I agree with you that supportive locations can help. I live in an area where most people don't care if you're trans or cis, they read you as male-presenting and interact with you accordingly. I know that's pretty rare. When I travel for work I'm not among that kind of group at all and it's harder but I'm still more comfortable with my body looking like a short, somewhat broad-hipped male one than I would be if it looked female. 

 

Just my 2c. Welcome here.