My recent 'Ah Ha!' moment!

[Susan R]

Some of you know my story but for those that don't, I'll give you a very brief timeline in regards to my dealing with my gender issues.

 

Up until I was 23, I was in complete denial about my hidden gender issues.  Many people knew about it but it was never to be talked about with yours truly. I kept many friends of both genders but only a few were very close ones.

 

At age 23 through age 33, I was in my gender exploration phase and living as Susan except while working.  It was a wonderful time and I added new LGBTQ friends and my life became very compartmentalized between my two sets of friends.  Only a few moved between the two sets and my secret was always kept hidden.

 

At age 33, I met online and fell in love with my current wife.  A month before our first rendezvous in Sacramento which was where I proposed and gave her a ring, I purged every feminine possession I owned.  It was  the final purge.  I was beginning a new life as a male even if it killed me.  We got married and started our wonderful life together but Susan was completely buried and hidden from my wife and children. Something happened slowly over the first few years of my marriage.  I started focusing only on my wife and children.  I withdrew from all male friendships slowly. After about 5 years into the marriage, I realized I was not spending any time with anyone except family.  My wife was always saying things like, "When are you going to get together with xxxxx?"  I never answered my wife directly.  I had no interest and sort of became a recluse.  I kept myself buried in other interests but none of them involved other people.

 

That all started to change after I started transitioning last year.  Once my wife was fully on board, I really started to live again.  Earlier tonight, I was visiting some friends with my wife and the subject came up about the first time they met the male version of me.  The husbands said when they tried to get to know me they all felt that I was not letting them get to know the real me and that I was always nice but seemingly very distant toward them.

 

When I arrived home, I discussed this with my wife at length.  It was then that I had my 'Ah Ha!' moment.  After living as Susan most of the time in my twenties, the suppression after this of that part of myself caused me to completely shut down socially.  I'm not really sure if the 'gender exploration phase' opened something up that could not be put back or the 'marital suppression phase' closed something down that was alive and well during the previous phase or some combination of both.  Either way, the effects were real because I finally feel like myself again.  Everyone in the neighborhood can apparently see the changes in my enthusiasm for life and willingness to share a part of myself with others.

 

I only share this because there might be others who have been suppressing their true self.  I had thought that it was marriage in general that made me a recluse and focusing on just the family.  It took some time, patience, and some critical thinking to see this was not the case.  This is just one example of the damage it can cause to one's mental and social health if left untreated.

 

Susan R?

 

[tracy_j]

It's good that you have got through this and now are enjoying life Susan. I can see that it is a real problem, even seeing what is going on, as in many marriages there is a tendency toward concentrating on the family to the detrement of life and old friends outside. This is without any trans thinking. There are many people around who fail to cope after marriage breakup, and I think a lot of this is down to being too focussed. Thank you for sharing as it is something everyone should think about.

 

Tracy

[Josie Beth]

I’m not fully out yet but people do find it easier to get along with me since I’ve restarted my journey. People can sense when there’s something amiss and it can really thwart having meaningful interactions with others. I’m sure people notice that there’s something different about me but they haven’t responded in a negative way, they often respond in a very positive and genuine way. It’s little things like this that continue to affirm the decision I have made to be myself no matter what. It’s certainly not easy and I constantly have to think about it and how my decisions can effect my journey but it doesn’t hurt to factor that in because it is a very important part of me. 

[SaraAW]

I am guilty of pulling way and isolating myself over the last couple of years.  I used to be very outgoing, at least for an introvert, but as my inner turmoil has climbed, I’ve pulled away from most of my family and friends. It’s silly as they should be my support structure, but I still have a lot of shame and fear I’m working through. I have noticed since coming out to my wife, I’ve definitely started opening up more with her. I’m hoping as I come out to more people, I’ll come back out of my shell some.  Continuing with therapy should also help. 
 

Thanks for sharing, it made me look inside and recognize what I’ve been doing myself. 
 

*hugs*
 

Sara