Can body dysphoria go away?

[OliverPerry]

I'm a 24 year old closeted gay FTM.

 

I have yet to come out and have been living as a female for my whole life.

I look and act (whatever that means) like a "proper" young woman. The people in my life, from what I'm aware of, have never suspected the struggle I've been facing ever since I was 12 (when the wish to be male first made its appearance). 

 

I have been cursed with a vagina, breasts (even though, thankfully, small), hourglass shape, "nice ass" and 5ft height (short as hell).

 

People tell me I have a wonderful body and that I'm pretty, beautiful, cute... All things you might say to praise a person with an attractive physical appearance. However, I don't want to be pretty, beautiful nor cute. This "wonderful body" is my personal hell.

 

I look at guys and don't know what to think. Do I want to date/snog/marry them or do I want to be them? 

 

I haven't had sex for almost 4 years. My body dysphoria has worsened. Every time I engage in sexual intercourse, I feel like I've just gone through a traumatizing experience. I love to touch the guy but I hate it when the guy touches me, especially on my female exclusive parts. When this happens (and it does happen during sex), I freak out internally, wanting nothing more than to run away screaming in despair. This is frustrating because I want to have sex and bloody enjoy it. Just like most, I have desires and wish to act on them but, when I have the chance, I just freeze and wait for it to be over quickly (yeah, I must be a lousy lay).

 

I try to avoid looking at my naked body. When I do, I am instantly hit with horrible thoughts and feelings. Ignoring it's the best way to go.

 

I'm terrified to come out because I'm certain it would have an extremely bad impact on my life, I would loose a lot of things I hold dear. So, I won't. I'll stay hidden.

I'm sharing this along with the question "Can body dysphoria go away?". 

I'm hoping to get some answers from others who suffered/suffer this agony.

 

I never thought about gender identity before the age of 12. I'm not the trans person that has always known something wasn't right. However, I'm now 24, 12 years have passed and the thoughts haven't gone away, their getting worse and so is my dysphoria.

 

How do you cope with it?

Is body dysphoria permanent? 

Is it possible to learn to live with your body as it is and avoid coming out or suicide? 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Jackie C.]

Sweetie, sometimes there are ebbs and flows. It'll lessen or strengthen depending on what you're doing and what's going on in your life, but it never really goes away. There's a reason suicide rates are so high with closeted trans people: It's really, really hard to keep going like that.

 

I coped with self-destructive behavior. Don't do that. Playing as the correct gender in video games helped some. Especially social ones where I could interact as myself from the other end of the keyboard. In the end, it's not enough though. You get boy roles in your acting career and I bet those help for a little while too. You can try to keep your mind busy so you don't dwell, but the dark thoughts in the dead of night still happen.

 

In the end, the only thing that really helped me was therapy (I've got a bunch of issues stemming from being in the closet) and coming out of the closet. I'm still not super-happy with my body (I mean ew, I would trade with you in a heartbeat), but living as my authentic self is the only thing that's really helped long-term. Honestly, I feel fantastic.

 

There's no magic pill to make the feelings go away. If there were, everybody would take one.

 

Hugs!

[ShawnaLeigh]

1 hour ago, Jackie C. said:

n the end, the only thing that really helped me was therapy (I've got a bunch of issues stemming from being in the closet) and coming out of the closet. I'm still not super-happy with my body (I mean ew, I would trade with you in a heartbeat), but living as my authentic self is the only thing that's really helped long-term. Honestly, I feel fantastic.

Same here but I’m very early in my transformation journey.  
Therapy. Therapy. therapy.   I can’t stress it enough.  My first session was my coming out to anyone time.  Fear! Anxiety! Omg they were crippling me.  Just wanting to hide it all away and ignore it was not an option for me.  I cried all through it and all weekend long. Lost sleep and cried and cried and cried for an entire week! A lifetimes worth of pain and fear purged from me.  This was two or so weeks ago. 
I feel light as air now but know I have a long scary road.  I’m loosing my wife, home, my let’s and our retirement. Probably most of my family over this but I have no choice.  I have to do it.  
I too hate my body n want to puke every time I see myself in the mirror. I will never be pretty nor have the body I would like to have.  Definitely no bikini in my future.  I’m 5’7” 178lbs and have been told I have the body of a hockey player.   Short in stature for a guy but big for a girl. Unfortunately for me im not completely out and still have to play the male role.  Only a few of my female family members know.  My mother is not taking it well.  Like I am killing her son.  
I have to buy male clothing after loosing a ton of weight, but I only want female clothing. I want to do girly things, paint my nails do make up and hair but out in the open not only in private.  I’m balding on top so my hair is grey n gross.  
Im twice your age and have lived like this since my teen years.  So I understand where your coming from.  It is so hard.  So painful.  
You can do this and live a happy life.  I’m trying to one day at a time.  You may lose some of your old life but there is always more out there.  go grab it.  
 

[OliverPerry]

On 11/16/2019 at 8:52 AM, Jackie C. said:

Playing as the correct gender in video games helped some. Especially social ones where I could interact as myself from the other end of the keyboard. In the end, it's not enough though. You get boy roles in your acting career and I bet those help for a little while too. You can try to keep your mind busy so you don't dwell, but the dark thoughts in the dead of night still happen.

 

I've been opting for male avatars for as long as I can remember, even before body dysphoria and the overwhelming wish to live as bloke began .

When thinking about childhood, what I know is I was obsessed with my older brother's hobbies, hobbies that eventually became my own and still are. I did play with other girls at recess though (boys only played with boys and I didn't have what was required to be accepted as one) but the truth is I never really enjoyed it that much. When my parents gave my brother a new gameboy for his birthday, I was offered his old one (the gameboy color. So nostalgic...) and that's when I found a way to isolate myself and avoid my classmates (all genders included): playing video games. I believe that's when it all started, the obsession with gaming and how it allows people to escape from the real world and experience different lives. It does help. But, you're right. When I turn off my ps4, I'm right back to where I was before, reality. 

 

I also, besides gaming, like to close my eyes and imagine a different life. It's not uncommon for me to spend 2h like this, never falling asleep, as I, awake, picture a story in my mind where I can be whoever I please. One might think that, while doing such a thing, you would choose a perfect world. I actually end up imagining bad things happening too (to the daydream me) but that's merely because happiness without pain can be quite boring in the story kingdom, I like to keep myself amused while escaping reality. Sometimes, I enjoy writing these stories as well and reading them over and over again. Imagining a different life is indeed entertaining and peaceful. However, when the eyes open, the real world just appears to be even more cruel. In the end, it makes things worse. I don't seem to be able to stop doing it though. 

 

For 12 years, these two things have been my main ways of escaping what's real. Fiction has always been my guardian angel. But videogames and stories, just like I previously said, do help to increase pain when not in action. 

 

So yes, I guess I'm, in perfect conscious, slowly killing my enjoyment of living and my sanity. 

I wish for the bad feelings (thoughts and dysphoria) to vanish so I can enjoy life as well as my body and sexuality. They're not vanishing though, and yes, I know I'm part to blame.

 

About therapy:

I've just (about 15 min ago or so) scheduled my first appointment with a therapist that specializes in gender identity issues. I'm in therapy already but she doesn't usually work with these kind of problems and dismissed me being FTM because I don't act "manly" enough. Are all guys supposed to be brutes though? Do I have to, for example, constantly talk about sports and boobs? Well, I'm not a big fan of sports and I'm not interested in having any sort of romantic action with a girl. I don't believe all blokes fit the "macho" profile. I have male mates and they're not like that at all and it's not because they're "girly" or trans women in the closet (they're not), they can still be sensitive creatures who are perfectly fine with being men. Actually, I share many traits with them, weird thing that, it's as if they all had a baby together and that baby is me.

Oh well, continuing. I schedule this meeting in secret. I'm not planning to come out. I just need to express my thoughts in the real life with someone that will listen properly. I'm quite scared though, it's only a couple of days away. How does someone get ready for something like this? I feel that a major change will happen. Hopefully, it'll help with my dysphoria. Let's see...

 

Quick thought!

This website is wonderful. Everyone is so caring and willing to help. Also, you don't have to wait days for an answer, that sometimes is merely an idiot calling you a "freak" or sending a "hahahahah" (happened to me before). Bloody hell, now that I say this, I'm remembering a post from a blog that showed Female to Male before and after T pictures and it had tons of ignorant and extremely offensive comments. People were saying things that were so bloody horrible that I can't even write them here. I was shocked as hell. It was the first time I realized there was so much hate in the world regarding these issues. Nowadays, young, and also many not so young, people in the theatre world (from my experience while working and with my friends, who are all performers) are extremely openminded when discussing sexuality and gender identity. I seem to be in a universe vastly different from the one of the mean creatures that haunt the "out of the norm" folk. 

 

I apologize. I hope speaking about ignorance didn't upset anyone. 

You're bloody amazing! Never forget!

Those bullies are just uninformed Neanderthals, who use hate to amuse themselves. Think about this: the brains of these internet ogres have probably already starved to death with lack of nourishment. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[NB Adult]

1 hour ago, OliverPerry said:

Those bullies are just uninformed Neanderthals, who use hate to amuse themselves. Think about this: the brains of these internet ogres have probably already starved to death with lack of nourishment. 

 

I find that the uninformed Neanderthal bullies are most often rather obtuse types who may not be well grounded mentally and emotionally in terms of their own sexuality and whether it properly fits what they perceive their own gender role to be. 

 

Your CIS friends on the other hand are probably not so afflicted and are comfortable in their own skin enough to accept you and not be intimidated by anything about you.

[OliverPerry]

1 hour ago, NB Adult said:

 

I find that the uninformed Neanderthal bullies are most often rather obtuse types who may not be well grounded mentally and emotionally in terms of their own sexuality and whether it properly fits what they perceive their own gender role to be. 

 

Your CIS friends on the other hand are probably not so afflicted and are comfortable in their own skin enough to accept you and not be intimidated by anything about you.

 

About the bullies:

It's difficult for me to clarify my feelings when it comes to those bullies who are actually hidden scared creatures. 

One thing I'm certain though, I really don't believe hate towards others should ever be an option, even when struggling with life.

One day, I somehow found a youtube channel of a "previously gay" man who had been "cured". His videos consisted of him shouting hateful slurs that spoke agains't homosexuality. He even had one of him burning the pride flag. I was appalled and, I admit, slightly fascinated by him. It was horrifying though. After that day, I never saw a video from that channel again. I doubt I'll forget about it though. I was as confused and angry at the guy and at what he represents as I was heartbroken at seeing someone so completely lost. 

These cases are tough for me to think about. 

 

About my friends:

What you say is true. They are extremely comfortable and accepting of their own and other's gender identity or sexuality. 

I still haven't told them about me though.

I rarely talk about personal issues with people. I know they won't judge me. Still, I'm terrified, Even talking about, for example, a crush (a common topic among young people) makes me want to crawl into a hole. My friends often have to force me to share any personal matters. And this gender thing is a big one. 

Oh well!

 

 

 

[NB Adult]

You have us for now, and we are a motley tribe but we are here for you. Perhaps some day you might find the nerve to discuss just a tiny amount of personal things with one of those nice folks that you have come to trust, you may be surprised and get a very positive and uplifting response which might form the basis for trust and future conversations.

[TommieAnne]

And acting like a man shouldn't mean acting like a brute beast. Although it sometimes seems more like the norm. Be a gentleman!

[Jackie C.]

 

2 hours ago, TammyAnne said:

And acting like a man shouldn't mean acting like a brute beast. Although it sometimes seems more like the norm. Be a gentleman!

 

This is very important. There are a lot of ways to be a man, A lot of cis men choose poorly (here in the states anyway, it could be different across the pond). Still, it's possible to exhibit quiet strength and masculinity without making an ass of yourself. I'm sure if you look around you can find good examples of men to emulate. Most of my mannerisms are cribbed from women I admired growing up (and a couple I picked up unconsciously. Nobody's perfect).

 

Of course that's got me thinking about male and female energy and all the ways to be a man or a woman. Even toxic femininity (which I find myself falling into sometimes, I can be too passive). That could be a book, so I'll leave you with... find men you could look up to. Try to be more like them without losing yourself. It's the same thing you would have done growing up, you've just got to catch up now.

 

Hugs!

[ShawnaLeigh]

47 minutes ago, Jackie C. said:

find men you could look up to. Try to be more like them without losing yourself. It's the same thing you would have done growing up, you've just got to catch up now.

This is good advice.  We all grow and learn from those that have come before us.  Sometimes you have little choice in who your elders are or the men and women in your life growing up.  You have a choice now that your older.  Make good use if this choice.

JMO.

[Adrian Doyle]

I mean, as a teen, I’m self-conscious enough. Adding dysphoria from being a trans guy makes it a million time harder. 

 

My school has a mandatory year of aquatics class for sophomores (which yes, is just as awful as it sounds for anyone that’s trans). I was so incredibly uncomfortable that I had to change in the stalls, wear a rash guard, and ended up having a panic attack that worsened my predisposed breathing issues until I nearly drowned. For obvious reasons, they pulled me out of the class, but gym in still very uncomfortable. I recently met a girl who’s been quite nice to me, but I’m not sure if I should come out to her unless she asks why I change somewhere away from everyone else. 

 

I still feel quite isolated from the rest of the class, but I still have hope that it’ll get better. Hopefully, I’ll get to know more of my classmates and be able to distract myself from my disphoria

 

 

[Jackie C.]

She might just think you're shy. I have a gorgeous friend (I mean really, it should be illegal to look that good) who changes in "my" bathroom (it's unisex and has a lock) because she doesn't like to change or shower around other women. Anyway, if this girl wants to be your friend, be her friend and come out to her when you think you're ready and you have a better idea of how she's going to react.

 

I completely get the locker room thing. By law I still have to use the men's room until after my bottom surgery. I feel like a frog on the highway in there. I always have. One dude commented on my breasts. I don't even really do "naked" in there, I just wore my gym clothes under my street clothes. Still super uncomfortable. I am SO very glad to have some space to myself now. I don't even mind sharing with Xena (seriously, that's her birth name. Gorgeous and a cool name? I could absolutely DIE of envy.)

 

Still though, once gym class is over, it's over and you at least have a quiet corner to change in. Best of luck. Perseverance. Other uplifting words. High school is terrible. It gets better though. (Unless you're one of those people who peaks in high school, then it doesn't get better but I don't think that applies to ANY of us.)

 

Hugs!

[Adrian Doyle]

Thank you so much! I’ll be sure to update here if I get to know that girl better! She’s got a really cool name too (it’s Livi). ٩( ᐛ )و

[VickySGV]

Your actual body dysphoria will never really go away completely.  What can happen with help is that it ceases to control you.  Living in your True Gender helps greatly to take your attention off of your body and thus you will feel better about your body.  Our bodies are symbols of an inward identity and if the inward identity can be brought out even with the "ruined body" housing the identity, we are in reasonable shape and less likely to harm ourselves.