my parents

[emily the wolf]

i just dont know anymore, i came out as a trans female to my mother around a month or 2 ago but i got a horrible reaction. all she did was panic and think that it was her fault and then told me that i am wrong and that im just confused and i dont understand why she says that as i know that i am trans. like she said that she will NOT call me Emily but that i planed on and she ended up telling my dad about it at the same time.. its just she found out when she went trough my phone and found what my boyfriend called me and she also saw that i was suicidal at the time and now i get my every action watched and i just dont know why, like i was wearing a bra one day and when she thought she saw it her comment was "why does it look like u have boobs, and why have u been acting strange again" and i ended up walking away from her crying as i dont want to talk about my body and she knows this but she insists on trying to talk about it and i just dont know why she has to do it in front of people if she really wants to do it.. like if she wants to talk about it then say so, but in private not in front of a trans-phobic family... like every time she asks i freeze up cuz i know that she is just going to call me wrong and tell me that i need help.. but when i tell her that i want help she never responds to me.. like if she wants a professional to confirm and tell her that im trans then so be it but she needs to help me get that help....

[ToniTone]

I'm sorry hun. That's awful. I don't have any advice for you sorry. I just really feel for you and other trans youth who don't live in a supportive environment. I hope she comes around. Do you have any supportive friends irl you can talk to? Keep your chin up hun k ?

[Jackie C.]

Oh dear. To me this smells like she wants you being trans to be all about her. That's why she wants an audience. Either so they can tell her what a good person she is and how horrible you are for being this way or so that they join in on her side to bully (and yeah, it's bullying you) into compliance.

 

I could almost forgive telling your dad. Sometimes people having a rough time need someone they trust to talk to. Your other parent could fit that description but it really sounds like she wants to gang up on you again. It's herd behavior. Some people just want to fit in. She sees you as an extension of her (basically hers) and any perceived flaw in you is a flaw in her. She can't stand to be imperfect, so she lashes out. Unfortunately my egg-donor is the same way. So been there.

 

She's watching you because you were suicidal. I'm not going to judge. Your parent SHOULD be watching you if she's afraid you're going to do something self destructive. I can't speak on her motives though. It could be because she genuinely cares. It could be because she's afraid of what it will do to her social standing to have a suicidal child. It could be some weird mix of the two. Again, my egg donor is the same way. She probably thinks she loves you, but narcissists don't work like that.

 

Really this is the same sort of "Attack then kick you when you're down" behavior I caught from my egg donor when I came out to her the second time. Short story: I came out to her first between my two parents. It didn't go well, but she suggested I see an endocrinologist. I was planning to do that anyway. At least there was no kicking and screaming. In the meantime I continued my transition. About a year into it, she confronted me about what I was doing and went into all the regular TERF nonsense. She quoted junk science articles and far-right speakers, then went on to screaming about how I was taken in by "evil doctors looking to take my money for this procedure." Then she went into personal attacks and banished me from her life in a manner she thought would hurt me. It did, financially, but it did wonders for my mental state. She's toxic as hell. As a bonus though, it's the first time she ever admitted she was a terrible mother to me. I should probably have framed that.

Afterward, I apologized to dad and explained why I wouldn't be seeing them for the holidays this year. Not an option for you, I know.

 

I'm sorry you're in for a rough ride. Is your dad any better? It helps if you've got an ally in the home.

 

Hugs! It gets better sweetie. Promise.

[emily the wolf]

51 minutes ago, Jackie C. said:

Oh dear. To me this smells like she wants you being trans to be all about her. That's why she wants an audience. Either so they can tell her what a good person she is and how horrible you are for being this way or so that they join in on her side to bully (and yeah, it's bullying you) into compliance.

 

I could almost forgive telling your dad. Sometimes people having a rough time need someone they trust to talk to. Your other parent could fit that description but it really sounds like she wants to gang up on you again. It's herd behavior. Some people just want to fit in. She sees you as an extension of her (basically hers) and any perceived flaw in you is a flaw in her. She can't stand to be imperfect, so she lashes out. Unfortunately my egg-donor is the same way. So been there.

 

She's watching you because you were suicidal. I'm not going to judge. Your parent SHOULD be watching you if she's afraid you're going to do something self destructive. I can't speak on her motives though. It could be because she genuinely cares. It could be because she's afraid of what it will do to her social standing to have a suicidal child. It could be some weird mix of the two. Again, my egg donor is the same way. She probably thinks she loves you, but narcissists don't work like that.

 

Really this is the same sort of "Attack then kick you when you're down" behavior I caught from my egg donor when I came out to her the second time. Short story: I came out to her first between my two parents. It didn't go well, but she suggested I see an endocrinologist. I was planning to do that anyway. At least there was no kicking and screaming. In the meantime I continued my transition. About a year into it, she confronted me about what I was doing and went into all the regular TERF nonsense. She quoted junk science articles and far-right speakers, then went on to screaming about how I was taken in by "evil doctors looking to take my money for this procedure." Then she went into personal attacks and banished me from her life in a manner she thought would hurt me. It did, financially, but it did wonders for my mental state. She's toxic as hell. As a bonus though, it's the first time she ever admitted she was a terrible mother to me. I should probably have framed that.

Afterward, I apologized to dad and explained why I wouldn't be seeing them for the holidays this year. Not an option for you, I know.

 

I'm sorry you're in for a rough ride. Is your dad any better? It helps if you've got an ally in the home.

 

Hugs! It gets better sweetie. Promise.

If anything he is worse as he is far-right and dosent believe in being trans sadly but i might just try to hide it again idk

[ShawnaLeigh]

Give it some time and try to be understanding of how they may feel too. That helps me when I want to try and talk to someone about this who may not be doing well with it.  Try not to be confrontational as well.  That will get you no where with your parents.  Trust me.  When my kids start to get all mouthy I just want to shut them down and show therm who is boss.  Though honestly my kids don't do this but you get the idea.  

The point is try to keep things calm and civil between you and your parents.  Unfortunately they call the shots in their house.  

[TommieAnne]

Time is a great healer.

Otherwise, I don't have any advice to offer, as it hits awfully close to home. My mother was a nutcase in short. However, she passed away 2 years ago so I am mostly free of her weird issues with me. I say mostly, because it's the kind of thing that can haunt you forever.

Therapy with a good gender therapist has been good for me. It wouldn't hurt to try that, as therapy can give you an ally to fight the nagging chaos that comes with parents who cannot understand their children.

Big hug.