Confused

[Tessa]

It’s bee a long time since I’ve been on this site. But I know I got a lot of support here. I thought I could give up Tessa. So I got rid of all her clothes. Tessa is the woman I want to be. She is loving, smart, and very creative. She loves to brighten people’s day and make them laugh and she judges no one. I found the woman inside me after my horrific divorce. I started the change of wardrobe, shaved my legs, wore panties everyday and tight jeans. I had an accepting friend that let me dress up like Tessa fully around him. I even had a wig. I gave all of it up hoping to find something but I only found the half man or not even half inside me. I started wearing men’s underwear again but then I found myself at Target buying a pair of panties, bra, and a black nightgown. I’m shaving my legs again. I let my face grow back hair but I might shave that off. Right now I’m in my black nightgown. 

           My daughter is trans man so maybe this runs in the family. I love to be around woman and no matter what I wear I always get a compliment. My ex threw me away and told me I was nothing but trash. I tried to come out to my kids and she found out about it and told the kids to report to her if I did this during on of our visits. So now she knows. I love my children. They are now 15, 17, and 12. 

            I work 2 jobs. The bank and a retail store. I never have enough money due to child support. Not a lot of close friends. When I’m Tessa I’m beautiful when I’m Kevin I’m normal. I write stories, do grown up coloring (over 300 pictures I’ve colored) I write poetry. I’m in a Chapters App where I have wrote a lot of stories people get to read. I journal and love movies! I love shoes to! Watching Sex In The City right now.  I’m a very expressive person and very caring. I have a Bachelors degree and Associates degree. At the bank they use me to train people. 

          Last year I cane out to my job. They were so supportive they changed my name tag and said that all management would call me Tessa. I ever wore my wig though. 

No one knows at my retail job because I just got it. We have a wide selection of woman’s clothes that I would love to buy! I get a good discount. Every time I have to put away or fold these woman’s clothes including panties and bras I get excited and wonder what it would be like to wear them. 

         I want to be happy with who I am. I’m going to be 45 and life has been so hard for me. She got everything in the divorce and now because I had a time without a job on my year to claim the divorce decree states I have to be current in child support. I’ve never missed a payment until I was fired of unlawful reasons. So I may not get to claim. 

         Tessa is how I feel regardless if I’m in men or woman’s clothes. Regardless if I’ve shaved myself or not. She comes out at night especially. I don’t have a partner right now. I dream of meeting someone who can truly love me and accept me. Wherever I go regardless if I’m presenting Tess or Kev these are my nick names I find my expressive personality and warm heart draws people to me. 

        I see my wardrobe changing again even after I’ve told family and friends Tessa is gone. She never left. How do you rid yourself of yourself? So life is just going to have to get more secret and more complicated I guess when it comes to family especially. 

        I’ve never started hrt. Maybe I never will but Tessa is alive and she won’t be ignored I can see that!  She will fight to get to the surface every time. I so needed to write these things. Feel free to comment and enjoy your life! 

 

Love 

 

Tessa 

[ToniTone]

Hi Tessa! I was wondering how you been, I haven't seen you write any poems here in a little while! Uou write such pretty words... 

 

I'm sorry you're going through all that. And that I don't really have any advice. Except to say, it sounds like Tessa always has and will be there, whether out in the open or hidden in shadows. Embrace her. Glad to see you back here hun ?

 

~Toni

[Susan R]

2 hours ago, Tessa said:

Maybe I never will but Tessa is alive and she won’t be ignored I can see that!  She will fight to get to the surface every time.

Tessa, this rang true for me too.  The real you never really leaves.  I feel much empathy for your situation.  I’ve been there.  Fighting it and purging seems to only prolong the pain and truth of the matter.  You are Tessa.  No on should tell you that it’s not a truth for you.  The good news is that you’re realizing this much earlier in life than I and others here did.   Soon I hope you’re able to express yourself the way you want, whenever you want.  I know it’s been a wonderful thing to happen in my life.  I wish you the best this holiday season.  We all here for you so don’t be a stranger.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R?

[Tessa]

Thank you. 

[ShawnaLeigh]

Oh honey I can tell you I fully understand how hard divorces  are and to me there is very little that is worse then paying child support!  Don’t get me wrong. It’s always the responsible thing to support your kids but the child support system is so broken and unfair to the “father”. 
I paid for 30 years.  I know what I’m talking about.  At one time to three different women. 
yes. It’s hard.  
Now working two jobs is tough enough.  Dealing with trans issues on top of it can be down right a stress fest!  
I am no longer in the CS mess anymore.  Do it will end someday.  I am just now starting my hrt and still learning all I can. Life goes on.  Day by day is my advice.  
I wish you all the luck in the world hon...