I was told my sex life is over tonight.

[ShawnaLeigh]

So yea.  The title pretty much says it all for my last night of 2019.  
I have been hinting around for days, like we always do, playing our little games but got no replies.  I did however get an odd feeling over it.  
I asked outright about “sharing some time this evening” and I was met with a scoffing laugh.   Like “yeah right!”  I then asked if there was a story behind that laughter.  
Her look said all I needed to see.  She did not say much but avoided it altogether.   I did not push it further.  The one thing she did say is that ship has sailed...
So I’m laying in bed right now.  In my own room thinking about everything.  This does not seem like a wise thing because I know I am only going to get emotional.  
I refuse to cry over being hurt by others.  But dang it this one hurts really deep.  I love her so very much but I can see it’s not going to work out.  I am not going to stop my transition.  Not going to stop trying to be who I am.  I have every right to simply be me.  I am not going to negotiate or compromise just to stay with someone who can’t fully accept me for who I am.  My future is scary and insecure but I have stayed hidden for others sake for over 40 years.  Suffered the pain of it.  The guilt and shame.  I have paid my dues.  
I am guilty of entering this marriage knowing my issues existed.  I intended on just staying hidden forever.  My mind, my female self would not. I had apologized for this 10000 times.  But I’ve had enough.  
Yes these are bold words.  Cold hard words I have to tell myself to not break down.  Maybe even selfish of me to think this way. I do not know.
My heart is aching so much right now.
It truly feels like the actual beginning of the end.  

I hope everyone else has a good New Year’s Eve and stays safe.  I look forward to more of our forum in 2020. 
Im going to try and sleep.  But not holding hope my mind and heart will comply.  ?

[Robin68]

ShawnaLeigh,

 

I am so sad and sorry to read about your suffering. I do not know anything about your spouse but I do know I must accept that some people I love can never understand or accept me for who I am. If people are laughing at me, I surely don't need that toxicity. Coming to terms with my own transition is hard enough without ridicule and mockery. In my own situation, I was married for 6 years and I kept my femininity hidden, indeed even felt ashamed of it. My marriage ended in divorce and it wasn't until after I left my ex that I seriously began exploring my femininity. In retrospect, I see now that one of the reasons my marriage fell apart was because of gender dysphoria. This was true despite the fact that I tried to bury it and play the masculine game. No,  I don't think my ex would have accepted my MtF sojourns had I attempted them during my marriage. I think it would take a very unique woman to accept that in her male partner. This realization seems to oddly console me now. Knowing I was better off not married so that I could work out my issues without pressure, makes me feel better about ending my marriage. I have never remarried, either. But I do have more work to do in my own self-acceptance. Please know you are loved and fully accepted here. I always love to read what you say! ❤️

 

Hugs,

 

Robin 

[ToniTone]

Oh hun, I'm so sorry. This journey isn't always so magical. But it's the one we must go on. Here's to a new year onward... ?

[Carolyn Marie]

I'm so sorry to hear that your marriage has soured, ShawnaLeigh.  Words aren't enough, I know, but that's all I can give you, along with a virtual hug.  Some of us are lucky, most of us are not, and you are with the majority.  It is a club that none of us want to belong to.  I hope you can work something out that at least allows room for friendship, tolerance and forgiveness.  My heart goes out to you.

 

(((HUGS)))  

 

Carolyn Marie

[TommieAnne]

Hugs ShawnaLeigh.

I'd be the worst for relationship advice, so I'm not offering any.

Just support.

TA

[Jackie C.]

Oh dear. I'm sorry @ShawnaLeigh.

 

Breaking down and having a good cry helps though. It's a very feminine thing to do and you feel stronger and more energized (at least I do) after I've wrung it all out. Don't hold it in.

 

Besides, your sex life isn't over. It's just on pause for now. Your wife... we're going to have to start calling her something else soon I suppose... has chosen to no longer be available for sex. That's her right. At the same time, she's said that the relationship is over as you transition. That's fine too. Well, not fine. It would be better in my opinion if she was more accepting, but you can't force people to change their minds, but she's her own person and is choosing to end your partnership. That's huge, but that's all. You come out the other side as Shawna, a free agent. Shawna will find someone to love her as her authentic self. It may be a bumpy ride, but at the end it will be glorious.

 

It's a new year sweetie. Time for new beginnings, new hopes and new dreams. This year belongs to Shawna.

 

Hugs!

[KymmieL]

I agree with Jackie. Have a good cry. It's a girls right to cry. Don't think about why just do it. It will feel better.

 

Luckily I am still sleeping in the same bed as my wife. I can still cuddle, too. How ever that may change once she knows I am continuing with my transition. I still haven't found out her plan for me once that announcement has been made.

 

Sorry that things have turned to this Shawna. But you have the right to be yourself. Even if she doesn't realize it.

 

Kymmie

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Shawna,

 

I'm very sorry things have gone this way. The only advice I can give is not to hold the tears back. Let them flow. Holding such powerful grief is like holding in poison. Let it out. Emotionally, you have to. Held in tears haunt you.

 

Lots of love and a big hug, 

Timber Wolf ?

[ShawnaLeigh]

Well I had a good cry to ring in the new year.  I’d be lying if I said this is the first time I cried through this holiday.  I’m starting to hate New Years Eve.  
I woke feeling better but then we had a completely silent morning.  Coffee and phones only.  Not between each other.  
We did go a run some errands for an hour but home now.  
Life has been better but it surely has been worse.  

[Belle]

It's one thing to know it's coming, but it's another for it to actually arrive. In a way I suppose it's bittersweet. You can now proceed in freedom, but the reality of the loss has hit. I hurt for you ?

 

Belle ❤️

 

[Susan R]

On 12/31/2019 at 6:07 PM, ShawnaLeigh said:

My future is scary and insecure but I have stayed hidden for others sake for over 40 years.  Suffered the pain of it.  The guilt and shame.  I have paid my dues.

I’m so sorry Shawna.  This seems so unfair yet it happens to the best of us.  It hurts to see anyone suffer like this.  My humble advice is to stay focused on your goal of becoming the person you’ve been suppressing all these years.  You’ll likely find it’s what’ll give you the most happiness in your life.  It has in my case.  I hope it will for you as well.  We all deserve a chance to be our true selves even if it takes awhile to come to terms with it.  Keep you head up hon

 

My Best,

Susan R?

[ShawnaLeigh]

Thank you all.  I am feeling much better about this and yes I am focused on what I need to do.  My wife is not being terrible to me.  Not being mean.  It’s just one step closer to our separation.  We already are in our own rooms so it’s progressing towards a room mate relationship but not one of hurt or pain. Well for her anyways.  
We are doing this for our mutual benefit so I just have to keep reminding myself about that.