FTM pre-op struggles

[A. Dillon]

I have been out for only a few months now as FTM (previously identified as non-binary because I was scared to tell my parents the truth), and only have really had a binder and a haircut. I am getting my name changed soon, and once my mom finally fills out the forms, will be on the waitlist to go to a gender specialist. However, in the meantime, there are a lot of things that I have to put up with, and I was wondering if anyone could relate:

 

Being too hot all the time

I generally run hotter than the average person, but because of my dysphoria, you will rarely ever find me in less than at least two shirts and a hoodie. Even in the summer, I got some new men's shirts (only shopped in the men's section for 2 years and somehow my parents didn't suspect anything), but I would always think "you look like a girl" and then proceed to put on the biggest jean jacket I had. It doesn't help that with the binder, I start sweating after like two flights of stairs.

 

Never being able to use the public restroom

I feel like I am definitely passing pretty well - I look like an 11 year old boy, but at least I look like a boy. However, I am still way too terrified to go into the men's restroom. I promised myself that I would never go back into the girls bathroom, mostly because I don't belong there, but also because everyone looked at me like I didn't belong there. It was always so humiliating. Now I will just wait up to 3-4 hours just to get home, because at least I feel safe there.

 

Constantly looking in every reflective surface possible to make sure that I pass

I don't know exactly why I do this. I mean, it only serves to make me even more insecure, with my brain pointing out "wow, your jaw line is looking awfully weak today" and "look everyone, it's a butch lesbian!" I can't stop worrying about my voice, my lips, my height, my feet, even my eyebrows being arched. And don't even get me started on my curves; given 5 minutes and no supervision from a therapist, I can make myself have a mental breakdown over my hips alone and how I have to buy men's jeans 2 sizes too big just to feel okay. The funny thing is that I look better than I ever did with long hair and in skirts, and am way more confident, but now that I have accepted that this is a problem, the voice has only gotten louder.

 

I would love to hear any stories that you have, because it kinda sucks being alone.

[A. Dillon]

...and I just realized that I picked the wrong forum. Sorry about that.?

[Carolyn Marie]

2 hours ago, A. Dillon said:

...and I just realized that I picked the wrong forum. Sorry about that.?

 

No worries, hon.  Took care of that for you.

 

I may have gone in the opposite direction, but I can definitely relate to some of your worries.  Public restroom have scared virtually every transitioning trans person who ever lived.  It's perfectly natural, and sometimes justified.  The first time I ever stood in a line in a woman's restroom I was terrified that everyone behind me knew my secret and was watching me.  Of course that wasn't true, but that feeling won't go away until after you've been there and done that a few times.  My only suggestion is, if you have a male friend or relative that's willing, have them accompany you.  Having someone watch your back will help with the nervousness.  Just remember that men almost never talk to each other in the restroom, and they try to avoid even making eye contact.  That's very different that women's restrooms, as I'm sure you know.  Walk in like you own the place, find a stall, wash up and head out.  If you're feeling confident, take a moment to comb your hair.

 

Worrying about passing is another thing everyone has gone through.  I sure have.  I used to have dreams/nightmares about it.  The worst thing you can do is let it show.  If you stare at someone wondering if they have "clocked" you, you draw attention to yourself and then they just might clock you.  Don't look around, don't stare, don't look worried; just try your best to act as you've always acted, because the fact is most people don't watch other people that closely.  The truth is, you will get clocked someday.  I certainly have, but the fact is that the vast majority of people would never confront anyone about it, never let it be known that they've noticed you.  Sometimes you'll get nervous or mad; I've been in restaurant where I know the person at the next table is staring at me.  But I've never yet confronted anyone over it.  It just isn't worth it to get confrontational.  I just walk away, knowing I'm the better person for it.

 

I hope that helps a bit.

 

Carolyn Marie

[A. Dillon]

Thank you. I have friends who are willing, but I am still really scared of people noticing, even if I know that I pass. I mean, sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and just feel so happy that I see who I really am, and am still ridiculously insecure.

[Jackie C.]

Oh wow, I hadn't thought of that. Yeah, you have a whole world of men's room etiquette to catch up on. Carolyn is right though: Most of it boils down to "Do not engage. Go in. Do your business. Wash up. Get out. There will be no socializing. There will be no eye contact. There will be no wandering eyes. Mind your business. Ignore everyone else as much as possible." There's also, "Always pick the stall farthest away from the one currently in use."

So yeah, you've got some advantages there because the other men will be actively not noticing you.

 

I'm going the other direction on being too hot all the time too. I don't think I've really been WARM since I started HRT. I'll be stopping my girl-juice for six weeks (ugh) soon though so maybe I'll get hot flashes. My wife and my sister-in-law both have those, so that looks like fun (written with just so, so much sarcasm).

 

I think we all worry too much about passing. The little squirrel on his little wheel in our heads keeps squeak squeaking about how we don't measure up. It helps if you focus on the positive things. For example: I've got lovely eyebrows and cheek bones you could cut cheese with. From you're avatar, you've got strong jaws and a thick, healthy ruff. Perfect for hunting rabbits or whatever. The point being, focus on your more masculine traits. Not every guy looks super-masculine. Probably why so many trans-men grow facial hair. I ran into a guy at the gym today who looks girlier than I do. Well, I have better breasts (barely) but if he'd been wearing falsies, I'd have clocked him as a woman, even with the slightly butch haircut.

As a total aside, when you start HRT and you can grow facial hair, please keep it short and neat. I saw a guy the other day with a completely out-of-control curly beard that just made me want to laugh. I don't know why that seems to be the trend around here, but big, curly beards are just... no. Just no.

 

Hugs!

[ShawnaLeigh]

OMG I am freezing all the time now.  Ok yes it is winter in Vermont and very cold most days and nights but I am in full sweat pants and hoodie to go to bed in.  LOL

I am far from passing but it is something always on my mind.  Not back burner either.  Right front and center.  I am still presenting male in public but have been pushing those boundaries a lot lately and no one has said Boo.  I almost wish someone would call me gay or something!  So I have no ventured into the ladies room or have done anything that would send up a red flag.

I did have a nurse recognize I had lost weight and asked me about it which made me feel very good.  .  

My wife keeps asking me if hormones will change my voice because my voice sounds different. Though she did not say girly.  I tell her "I wish but no".  It takes practice and honestly I have not been attempting to change it much with my upcoming voice therapy appointments coming in less then a month.