Coming Out Script Feedback

[Krisvm]

I am getting close to coming out to my parents and my therapist suggested I try to script out what I want to say so I could work out.

 

I was wondering if I post my script on here would people mind giving me feedback at all on it. Particularly that it makes sense, would describe the emotions better and would likely to be understood by a cis person who doesn't have much knowledge of gender diversity?

 

If it is not okay just let me know.

[ShawnaLeigh]

Sure!  

[ToniTone]

Yeah, that'd be swell! I don't think anyone here would mind...

 

Proud of you for getting to this point! ?

[Krisvm]

Thanks. Here  is my first draft:

 

 

 

Mum: Hello

 

Me: Hello, Mum, how are you doing?

 

Mum: Hello love, I am doing okay. How are you?

 

Me: I am okay, as I said I have something important to talk to you about.

 

Mum: Okay, I am listening.

 

Me: So, I have been looking about how I feel for a long time and I have come to accept I am non-binary, this means my gender is neither entirely male or female. This something that I have been struggling for most of my life and since coming to accept this I have been happier than I have been in a long time. I don't want this to change our relationship but I am now using they/them pronouns and spelling Kris with a "K". I am also changing how I present myself. I know this might be a bit of a shock so I want to let you process it and ask any questions you have.

 

 

POSSIBLE Q&A:

 

Mum:  You say you have been looking at this for a long time, how long is that?

 

Me: Well I first started thinking about it when I was about 12 and getting this sense about it. However, I finally managed to work it out about 18 months ago [change based on date of conversation] and I came out to Nisha and some people around me.

 

Mum: Why didn't you come out to me sooner?

 

Me: Well when I was younger I didn't want to accept it and was trying to work through it. I had to accept it in myself before I could talk about it with anyone else. Then I wanted to work out how best to explain it and also you have been going through a lot lately and I wanted to wait for things to calm down so we could discuss when things are not so hectic.

 

Mum: Are you planning any medical changes?

 

Me: No I have no plans for that at the moment and the waiting lists are very long, so even if I did it would be a long way off. But if this does change I will let you know.

 

Mum: How has this gone with [wife's name]?

 

Me: It is good now, we had some things to work through with it all, but our feelings towards each other haven't changed and we are now in a happy place.

 

Mum: I don't really know what non-binary means, can you explain a bit more?

 

Me: Okay, Non-Binary is an umbrella term for gender identities that are not purely male and female. As such it encompasses a wide variety of identities. For me it means that on different days I feel more male or female or sometimes neither. I spent a long time trying to push this down or ignore it but this made me miserable, but it makes me happier and comfortable to be able to express who I am.

 

Mum: Isn't this how everyone feels on sometimes?

 

Me: I obviously can only speak to my own experience but this is a bit different from feeling a bit down about my appearance one day. If I try to deny how I am feeling I get upset and angry and I will not want to look in any mirror because of what I see. Whilst when I present how I am feeling I get a massive endorphin rush and feel happier than I could have imagined before.

 

Mum: What do you mean by presenting?

 

Me: This is about showing how I feel inside, on the outside. This involves cosmetic changes such as clothing, hair, makeup and so on.

 

Mum: How do you want to go about telling people?

 

Me: I am happy for you to tell [my stepdad, my younger siblings], I want to talk to [my dad] and [my older brother]. For the rest of the family, we can work that out later. I know nanny and grandad may have more trouble understanding so I will cross that bridge when we come to it.

 

 

 

 

This is all I can think of. Please anyone let me know any feedback. In particular if it is clear, if I put enough emotion in it and if there are any other questions I should consider answers to.

[ShawnaLeigh]

Kris I think this is a good script and I liked the way you had anticipated the questions she may have too.  It is so good to go into this prepared to answer things right then and there.  Something I failed to do myself when telling my wife.  I admit I was very confused and just reaching out for help at the time, but still, it must of been a terrible conversation for her to have.

I admit I thought you were leaning towards MTF so saying non-binary was a slight surprise to me as I always though you were so cute in your pictures.   

Good Luck with your Mum.

 

 

 

[Krisvm]

35 minutes ago, ShawnaLeigh said:

Kris I think this is a good script and I liked the way you had anticipated the questions she may have too.  It is so good to go into this prepared to answer things right then and there.  Something I failed to do myself when telling my wife.  I admit I was very confused and just reaching out for help at the time, but still, it must of been a terrible conversation for her to have.

I admit I thought you were leaning towards MTF so saying non-binary was a slight surprise to me as I always though you were so cute in your pictures.   

Good Luck with your Mum.

 

 

 

 

Aw thanks. I am slightly more on the transfemme side but am definitely non-binary. I don't tend to post as many of my more androgynous pics because is how I usually looked before I realised I was non-binary so to me is not as exciting.

[ShawnaLeigh]

35 minutes ago, Krisvm said:

 

Aw thanks. I am slightly more on the transfemme side but am definitely non-binary. I don't tend to post as many of my more androgynous pics because is how I usually looked before I realised I was non-binary so to me is not as exciting.

Just be you that's all we need here.  I would think non-binary could be a fun thing too.  Choice to do as you wish whenever.  

I thought this was me at first as I was having troubles shedding my male social conditioning.  I have since learned more about myself and finding a calm and balance to it all.  

Now I just have to get rid of my physical male attributes.  LOL

[ToniTone]

I think its great. You planned how you'll go about it and anticipated many of the things she might say as well. Just plan on some fluidity in the conversation. You can't really anticipate every detail of it, you might be pleasantly surprised at how supportive she could be. It's your coming out and your mother, so do it when you feel ready, and when you do, own it. 

 

~Toni

[Krisvm]

53 minutes ago, ToniTone said:

I think its great. You planned how you'll go about it and anticipated many of the things she might say as well. Just plan on some fluidity in the conversation. You can't really anticipate every detail of it, you might be pleasantly surprised at how supportive she could be. It's your coming out and your mother, so do it when you feel ready, and when you do, own it. 

 

~Toni

Thank you.  Obviously can't anticipate everything but I like to be prepared.

 

I don't want to come out to her soon. I am only waiting now because she has a lot of bad stuff going on (her mother-in-law just died, my brother is going through a messy divorce and one of her friends has cancer) so I am trying to see if I can wait for things to be a little calmer for her.

[Jackie C.]

1 hour ago, Krisvm said:

I don't want to come out to her soon. I am only waiting now because she has a lot of bad stuff going on (her mother-in-law just died, my brother is going through a messy divorce and one of her friends has cancer) so I am trying to see if I can wait for things to be a little calmer for her.

 

YIKES! I can see where you wouldn't want to add to that.

 

Your script looks pretty good though. Have you considered what you'll say if she responds in a more positive or negative way?

 

For example:

 

Mom: "That's OK sweetie, I just want you to be happy. I'll love you the same no matter what. What do you need from me?" (This was actually my dad's response.)

 

or

 

Mom: "No. It's just a medical condition brought on by something you ate. What are your T levels? I'm glad your grandparents aren't alive to see your folly!" (And this was my egg donor.)

 

I don't want to scare you, but sometimes these speeches don't go the way you expect. At all. Best of luck sweetie!

 

Hugs!

[Krisvm]

49 minutes ago, Jackie C. said:

 

YIKES! I can see where you wouldn't want to add to that.

 

Your script looks pretty good though. Have you considered what you'll say if she responds in a more positive or negative way?

 

For example:

 

Mom: "That's OK sweetie, I just want you to be happy. I'll love you the same no matter what. What do you need from me?" (This was actually my dad's response.)

 

or

 

Mom: "No. It's just a medical condition brought on by something you ate. What are your T levels? I'm glad your grandparents aren't alive to see your folly!" (And this was my egg donor.)

 

I don't want to scare you, but sometimes these speeches don't go the way you expect. At all. Best of luck sweetie!

 

Hugs!

 

Thank you. Yes that is what I have been spending a lot of time working on with my therapist. Strengthening my resolve if she comes across with something negative. What we have worked on is:

1. Being sure of myself and firm.

2. Understanding it is hard and might take time to get her head around it

3. Working on selfcare afterwards

 

 

[ShawnaLeigh]

1 hour ago, Krisvm said:

 

Thank you. Yes that is what I have been spending a lot of time working on with my therapist. Strengthening my resolve if she comes across with something negative. What we have worked on is:

1. Being sure of myself and firm.

2. Understanding it is hard and might take time to get her head around it

3. Working on selfcare afterwards

 

 

One thing I have had to learn quickly is that this is not your issue.  This is only happening to you.  Its everyone's issue who cares and loves you for who they knew and who you really are inside.  That takes time for many to wrap their heads around it even though they are being supportive and accepting. 

I find everyone has a different level of what could be considered "accepting" too.  

Just be prepared for the "it takes time" part for her.  I am hoping she accepts it right off and its a done deal.  My mother was not so accepting and still has not spoken to the person (me) who killed her son.  What drama I swear...