Not sure where things stand

[secondlook]

After weeks of holding it in, I finally told my wife everything last night, or as much as I could put into words. She was understandably flabbergasted, blindsided, and upset like I've never seen her before.

 

She tried so hard to be kind with all her questions, and I tried to answer everything as best as I could. She seemed to be in some kind of emotional shock, which again, understandable. 

 

After hours of talking she put her forehead against mine and said, "I know it was hard for you to tell me this." I couldn't believe that in the middle of all this pain and confusion I put her through, she could still see how it must feel from my point of view. I just said, "It's a lot harder for you, I've had two weeks to think about it and you've had two hours."

 

When we both went to bed, exhausted from staying up too late and from extended crying, I cracked some dumb, unrelated joke and the two of us just fell into ridiculous giggles. I felt for a minute like maybe it could be OK.

 

Then, in the middle of the night, I woke up and could hear her sobbing out in the living room. She'd left the bedroom in hopes I wouldn't hear it, but sound travels in our house.

 

I've spent the morning reading articles and websites about what it's like to be the spouse of a transgender person, and I'm furious with myself that I didn't do this beforehand. I knew she'd be upset but I didn't really fully think it all the way out from her point of view. I realize that I just basically told her she has to decide if she wants to be a lesbian. 

 

I feel like I've hit a new low of selfishness. I should've tried harder to find a way to live with this body. Everyone I know, especially her, counts on me to be a man, and I'm putting my needs ahead of everyone else. I'm going to leave a path of emotional wreckage in my wake. If I wind up with the body I want, the gender I belong in, and no one in my life, what did I accomplish?

[KathyLauren]

Congratulations on coming out to your wife.  That is one of the hardest conversations to have.

 

Yes it is hard on her.  Help her and support her as best you can.  But don't beat yourself up more than you need to.  You had to tell her.  What kind of husband could you have been to her knowing that everything you were and everything you did was false, and that the truth must remain hidden.  That would not be a good life for you or for her.

 

It is a tough road either way.  You chose the path of honesty.  Honesty is a good choice.  Now, you have to communicate well to work out a path forward that will work for both of you.  I wish you (both) good luck in moving forward.

 

Regards,

Kathy

[Ellora]

Your accomplishment, is that you opened your heart up to the one you love. You did not lie to her, you told her your truth. You would have been miserable holding this all in , the pain would have built up and come out in a different way. Then you would lie by saying everything is ok, and that would have caused confusion and she would think it was her or someone else causing this. Dont worry so much about whoulda shoulda coulda, hindsight maybe 20/20, but you are in real time now. For now, be there for her. 

Women are as strong as men, if not stronger in most cases. Be the strong You. Dont worry so much about everyone else, be there for yourself and your wife. My friend and I had this talk, and I told her, that Im still me, so the "strength" I have had will always be there. I am not "changing," I am just telling you how I feel about who I am.

[Jackie C.]

Congratulations @secondlook, your most difficult coming out speech is done. Now you just need to deal with the fallout. Give your wife time. She needs to process this. While she processes this, be there for her the way you always have. Maybe even be there a little more because you don't have some stupid "macho image" in your head of what you're supposed to be acting like.

Personally, I found that the male habits fell off pretty fast when I decided I didn't need them any more.

 

So now you find a way forwards. Your wife needs to understand that just because she's with you, that doesn't make her a lesbian. Heterosexual plus you is a perfectly acceptable orientation. Gender preference isn't any more binary than you are. There's no need to get hung up on labels. In the end, my wife decided that she loves "me." Packaging and presentation matter less than the person I am. This week she's taking me in for bottom surgery. Our marriage is stronger than ever and we both get to be happy. I wish you the same success.

 

Though she has made it a point to mention two different ways she can poison me with over the counter drugs while we're away. Probably not important. ?

 

Hugs!

[ShawnaLeigh]

Good job. You did way better then I did.  It took me days to get it all out due to my blubbering and sobbing.  I went into it very unprepared and over time as I began to understand so did she.

 
My wife is hung up on the lesbian label.  It took me a long time to understand when others here told me it will not make her a lesbian if we stayed married.  Just because a wife decides not to end a marriage with her now trans spouse she does not automatically mean she likes all women now.  
Like Jackie said.  Her wife is straight+Jackie.  I like that way of looking at it.  
 

You had to do this and it is not being selfish.  You have every right to be the person you are as much as any one else does.  Ok sure.  You hid yourself for a long time.  You may even feel guilt for lying.  But you ca not look at it that way.  You just learned who you were and that she needed to come out.  You just started to understand yourself with education and acceptance here. 
it’s not easy on either side.  
You did the right thing and very well in my opinion.  
Give her time and understanding.  

[secondlook]

1 hour ago, Jackie C. said:

Your wife needs to understand that just because she's with you, that doesn't make her a lesbian. Heterosexual plus you is a perfectly acceptable orientation. Gender preference isn't any more binary than you are. There's no need to get hung up on labels.

 

I hope she can come to see things this way. For now she just keeps saying that she's confused and she doesn't know what she feels, and I can of course totally sympathize with what she's saying and feeling. But on the plus side she's also adamant that she doesn't want me to keep trying to live like a man just to make her happy. I'm in awe of her ability to see things from my perspective even when her heart is breaking.

 

1 hour ago, Jackie C. said:

This week she's taking me in for bottom surgery. Our marriage is stronger than ever and we both get to be happy. I wish you the same success.

 

I'm so happy to hear this for you, you're such a rock for lost idiots like me.

 

48 minutes ago, ShawnaLeigh said:

My wife is hung up on the lesbian label.  It took me a long time to understand when others here told me it will not make her a lesbian if we stayed married.  Just because a wife decides not to end a marriage with her now trans spouse she does not automatically mean she likes all women now.

 

In regards to this, my wife seems to be taking a tack that I did not expect -- she accepts that I was a woman all along, and that I just didn't know it. The question she is asking herself is if that, in turn, means that she was a lesbian all along. I don't know how to help her with that. And I don't think she's asking it to get a reaction out of me or just because her mind is going wild, I think she's sincerely questioning now if there was a part of herself that she was ignorant of.

 

I really appreciate the kind words all around, my head is spinning and right now I feel like the best I can do is not to make things worse. The support I get here means more than I can say.

[Jackie C.]

38 minutes ago, secondlook said:

In regards to this, my wife seems to be taking a tack that I did not expect -- she accepts that I was a woman all along, and that I just didn't know it. The question she is asking herself is if that, in turn, means that she was a lesbian all along. I don't know how to help her with that. And I don't think she's asking it to get a reaction out of me or just because her mind is going wild, I think she's sincerely questioning now if there was a part of herself that she was ignorant of.

 

Speaking as a lesbian who is kind of loud about it, being a lesbian is awesome. If she does some research, she'll also learn that the Kinsey Institute says that bisexual females are so common, it's hardly worth mentioning. Or, in broader terms: It's OK to like girls. Lots of women are attracted to other women at least some of the time. It's not really worth stressing over.

 

Hugs!

[soyangela]

Congratulations on coming out to your wife. I just came out to my wife as well. I completely understand your feeling of selfishness, I’ve been there as well. Before coming out I told my therapist and posted on another site how selfish I felt for coming out. My thoughts were how could I destroy everything why couldn’t I just suck it up and deal with this, I’ve been doing it for so long why stop now. The answer I received was I need to be happy and it isn’t selfish to want to be happy. For me when I was in denial I was extremely unhappy, a moody and angry person. I certainly made my family unhappy being being moody and angry. Long story short if your happy those around you will be happy. My wife has commented how happier I am and she is happy to see me smile more.

Keep communicating with her. Tell her you will answer any question she asks. My wife has been reading articles etc. One said that there are things you should not ask a transgender person, like their name. I told my wife I will answer any questions she asks. You will have ups and downs. One day things will be going great the next day it’s all tears. She is grieving the loss of her husband.

 

Hugs,

Angela

[Janae]

On 2/2/2020 at 8:17 AM, secondlook said:

I feel like I've hit a new low of selfishness. I should've tried harder to find a way to live with this body. Everyone I know, especially her, counts on me to be a man, and I'm putting my needs ahead of everyone else. I'm going to leave a path of emotional wreckage in my wake. If I wind up with the body I want, the gender I belong in, and no one in my life, what did I accomplish?

I am not so sure this is being selfish, rather it is who you are. You don’t really have a choice in the matter, you were born this way.  I think that your wife may worry that you have now found some other interest in life that may exclude her. I really don’t think they understand, as much as we try to explain, that we did not wake up one day and decided we wanted to be a woman- we already are.  My wife does not want me presenting as female outside the house. She says she is Ok with it in the house - but I think this is an area where you need to be careful and go slow. I think this can be difficult for them to see us dressed like this and wonder what others may think of them.

 

Hope things go well for you

 

Janae

[secondlook]

3 hours ago, Janae said:

 I really don’t think they understand, as much as we try to explain, that we did not wake up one day and decided we wanted to be a woman- we already are.

 

Interestingly, she seems to get this part. She just wishes it wasn't so.

 

I've tried to convince myself that people manage to live without their wants and needs being fulfilled all the time. The world is full of people whose true selves are suppressed, maybe that's the price I have to pay. But I can't seem to police my own mind on this topic anymore. Now that the real me is awake, she's not going back to sleep! So I have no choice but to continue to navigate this, exploring who I am and trying to be sensitive to how that affects my wife (and eventually, the rest of the family, too).