Came Out Easily, But...

[MetaLicious]

Eight weeks ago, I came out to my wife. She quickly became my number one ally.  She asked if I was okay sharing that information, and I told her that if she was asked, I did not want her to lie.  I am somewhat scared, but I am really tired of hiding. Besides, I am starting to wear girls' clothes and paint my nails... Eventually, people are going to start wondering, and I am not going to lie if asked, and I certainly will not ask anyone else to do so.  Six weeks in, and it is known to my whole family (on my wife's side - I have not have any contact with my blood relatives for years).

 

All is good, right?

 

Except, until recently, I was not sure exactly where I was on the gender spectrum, and I was still playing with new names.  Now, I know my name is Michelle (Hi!), and even if I am a bit non-binary, I am a girl, and my pronouns are she/her, thank you very much!

 

So why am I finding it so much harder to tell people what to call me than to tell people what I am? It seems nonsensical to me!  Should I just send an email telling everyone (sent from my new address)?  I feel like I should tell my wife first, but it is too late. My son started calling the adults in his life by their first names, and when he called me Michael, I was pretty up-front about it - if you are going to use my first name, please use "Michelle." Bless his heart, his response was, "Not Michaela?" 

 

Has anyone else had a hard time telling others what to be called?

[Susan R]

3 hours ago, MetaLicious said:

Has anyone else had a hard time telling others what to be called?

Michelle, as you progress along in your transition and you start to become more accustomed to who you’re becoming, the name will likely feel more natural to tell others your new chosen name.

 

I can remember feeling a little odd the first few times I introduced myself to a support group back in the mid 1980’s.  On very first experience there, I was in a nice dress, heels, makeup, some basic jewelry but had a crew cut because I had no wig yet.  Crazy me...I didn’t let that stop me...lol.  They went around the room (about 20-25 ppl) and you gave your ‘name of choice’ along with a minute or so of anything you wanted to share with the group.  When they got around to me I said, “I’m Susan, blah blah blah...”. It felt odd at first but after a few months in, it became as natural as it is for me today.

 

3 hours ago, MetaLicious said:

So why am I finding it so much harder to tell people what to call me than to tell people what I am? It seems nonsensical to me!

It may be easier to tell others what you are because you know who you are and have likely had much time to discover this truth about yourself.  IMHO we are more confident about revealing what we think is truth.  A chosen name may feel foreign for awhile as we have been referred to as our given name from birth and it takes time to sink in.  I wouldn’t worry about this too much. You’ll more than likely grow into it in no time at all.

 

My Best,

Susan R?

[ShawnaLeigh]

YES!  It has been difficult for me too.  Especially since I am STILL having to present male in public.   Its a part of the reinforced conditioning you placed on yourself to hide things for all those years even though we have this desire to be out there and be free.  For me it is a mental component from my years of hiding that make it seem so weird or hard for me to adjust to my using own name and pronouns.

At least this is how I see it.  

I am having a hard time responding to my new name as well.  It has not solidified in me yet Shawna is who I am.  Again because I am forced to live by Shawn still in a large part of every day.  When I hear it I pause and then its like.  "Oh wait!  That's me!"  

Or an incident from yesterday in the waiting room of my new surgeon.  The nurse comes out to get me and calls out my new name "Shawna" and it took me a second for it to register she was calling me and when I answered and got up a few others that were there looked at me like "What?"  

It made me feel awkward but oh well.  

It would be so easy to do everything all at once and have done with it but for me it will never be that easy.  It takes time as everything else dealing with transition does, it seems.

[TommieAnne]

Shawna, when I don't respond quickly to my new/old name, I just mention that I daydream a lot and was lost in thought (which is true much of the time). That plus a smile assuages everyone.

TA

[MetaLicious]

14 hours ago, Susan R said:

IMHO we are more confident about revealing what we think is truth.

I feel like you hit the nail right on the head, Susan.  Even when I question what I am doing, it is my actions that I am examining,  What I am at the core of my being is accepted as an inviolable fact. It is only how I choose to express myself that I wonder about.

 

I think I'm going to tell my wife, and see what she has to say about telling others.  I know she wants me to take things slow, give people time to process the changes they will be seeing in me.  I know I want these changes to have happened during my gestation! ?  We'll have to find a point where we can compromise...

[Maddee]

Happy that things have gone well coming out with your wife and son!

 

If you're aware that people need time to process, then it sounds wise not to rush things with them or her.

 

My life is compartmentalized. 

Each have their own name. 

Depends on when/where/why we know each other.

 

To me, you are MetaLicious. 

[MetaLicious]

2 hours ago, Ms Maddie said:

If you're aware that people need time to process, then it sounds wise not to rush things with them or her.

I know this to be true, and I was hoping to wait for "the right time" to bring it up with my wife, but...  This morning I took a picture of my sons, both smiling, and the wife urged me to send it out, so I did, to all my immediate family.  Little did I realize that Google selected my new email address to send it from - complete with my new name!

 

The next thing I know, I am getting a reply from a very caring and very well-meaning family member asking if that is what I would like to be called, and what are my pronouns now, etcetera.  Only it is not just a reply - it is a reply-to-all!

 

I once told my wife that if there was a button that could instantly and permanently make me female, I would press it without hesitation, and deal with the fallout later. I also told her that the only thing that could make me hesitate would be a button that would allow me to change my gender at will.

 

My wife saw my exploration of my femininity as a broadening of my space of possibilities. She sees my choice of a feminine name as a rejection of my masculinity, and a narrowing of that space.  She said she married a Michael, and is now wondering if all our years together were a lie.  By the goddess, that one hurt!

 

Now I need to talk to her, I need to find the words to say how I feel while leaving her the space to have her own feelings.  There was only self-deception - I never lied to her. She always knew I had a female side, the only revelation is how much larger that side of me is.  And, for the life of me, I cannot see how being true to myself could narrow my being.  Confining myself to a male presentation has only led to anger, anxiety, depression, and drug abuse.  Since coming out, I have been calmer and happier, and it took some effort, but I am clean now, as well.

 

I do not want to rush her, because she will need time to process something significant like a name change (she acknowledged that it is a bigger deal than "just" coming out).  I do, however, want her to keep in mind the positive effects of the changes I have made so far.  I want to try and see the positive potential for changes that may yet come.

 

2 hours ago, Ms Maddie said:

 To me, you are MetaLicious. 

I don't know why, but it really makes my evening to hear you say that, Ms Maddie!  Thank you!  Maybe I should just take the name "Meta" - it seems equally feminine and masculine...

[Susan R]

1 hour ago, MetaLicious said:

Little did I realize that Google selected my new email address to send it from - complete with my new name!

 

The next thing I know, I am getting a reply from a very caring and very well-meaning family member asking if that is what I would like to be called, and what are my pronouns now, etcetera.  Only it is not just a reply - it is a reply-to-all!

I empathize with you and this exact situation.  This scenario of having my new default email used as I wrote a quick note to an old neighbor.  Not quite as life changing as your well-meaning family member’s “reply to all” but I still had some explaining to do.  It’s all water under the bridge at this point but I still remember the feeling of my stomach hitting the floor after the realization of what had just happened.  I’m sure everything will work out in the end but your timeline definitely changed at that very instant.

 

My Best,

Susan R?

 

[ShawnaLeigh]

7 hours ago, MetaLicious said:

She said she married a Michael, and is now wondering if all our years together were a lie.  By the goddess, that one hurt!

Michelle I so feel this.  I posted about “apologizing” and this was at its core.  So I get it girl this one cuts me still.  
Im sorry for the mix in emails too.  Omg what an “Oh Shite!!!” Moment.  Talk about ripping a bandaids off.  Wow I’m sorry this happened to you.   
I did something similar texting extremely “risky” topics about sex with my wife and instead sent it to my mother.  Yes.  That was fun to explain a day before sitting at her table for thanksgiving.  Lol

Thankfully she didn’t understand it at first but then did.  Ouch. 
I will say in my short experience from when I came out until now that so many people tell me they finally have an understanding why I was always just a little bit sad or that now I’m glowing and truly look happy.  Trust me I don’t think that of myself because I’m a wreck half the time but outwardly everyone sees the positive changes in my attitude and presents of being.  The few that have seen me fully present female do nothing but smile with me.  It’s wonderful.  
Those that known you for all those hiding years will see the positive change in you.  
Keep that pretty smile going!

By the Goddess indeed!

 

[Maddee]

Thanks Google. Oh lady!

 

Sounds like your wife is ok with you having a female side, but not with losing the male.  What will become?  Time..

 

Happy that you are seeing some support coming back at you Meta?

 

[TommieAnne]

Michelle, I sincerely hope things go well for you.

Reassuring your wife may not be easy, but surely there are ways in which you will remain the "same old michael" for her, be it fixing the leaky faucet or checking out the bump in the night. For now holding some of those up may convince her that she's not losing everything to this new person.

I often wonder if others think trans people are like "pod people" secretly replaced in the dark of night, when in fact we've been the same person all along.

TA

[MetaLicious]

My wife has always known about the Michelle in me, and that Michael encompassed all of me, including Michelle.  I need to reassure her that Michelle will encompass all of me, including Michael.  I think it is just the thought of abandoning my masculinity altogether that worries her.

 

Thanks you for the sympathy and support.  It already feels like the storm has blown over, but I know it is an issue that is still unresolved.  I think I need to demonstrate that she isn't losing anything.

[MetaLicious]

So, I've posted elsewhere on the board that I started toying with the name "Misha" - I first encountered in with Misha Collins, who plays the angel Castiel on Supernatural.  Much to my delight, my wife thinks Misha is hot (both the actor and the name).  She first called me Misha in a text, then later on when she was saying goodnight, and once more in a text.  I had told her that I wasn't ready to request that others call me Misha, because I really want to take things at a pace that works for her.  I pretty sure, though, that she is making an effort on her own to use my new name, which is so exciting to me!

 

Today was great. I took my son to the Science Museum, and while we were walking there, he called me Misha!  The last time I had conversed with him on the topic, I was intending on going by Michelle.  I struggled to recall any discussion we may have had where I might have mentioned Misha, and I could think of none.  So I asked him outright where he got the notion of calling me Misha.

 

"From mom."

 

God bless her heart, not only is she making an effort to use the most recent name I've chosen, she is even taking it upon herself to encourage others to use it!  And as a side bonus, I received a package from Amazon today: "The Make-Up Manual" by Lisa Potter Dixon.  My wife bought it as a surprise for me!  My therapist was so right about keeping my lines of communication open...  I am feeling very blessed right now.

[ShawnaLeigh]

11 hours ago, MetaLicious said:

I struggled to recall any discussion we may have had where I might have mentioned Misha, and I could think of none.  So I asked him outright where he got the notion of calling me Misha.

 

"From mom."

 

God bless her heart, not only is she making an effort to use the most recent name I've chosen, she is even taking it upon herself to encourage others to use it!  And as a side bonus, I received a package from Amazon today: "The Make-Up Manual" by Lisa Potter Dixon.  My wife bought it as a surprise for me!  My therapist was so right about keeping my lines of communication open...  I am feeling very blessed right now.

Your wife sounds absolutely wonderful to have as a spouse who is also trying to adjust to all this.  I give any cis women credit for trying to be open minded with being with a transwomen and do what is best for everyone not just themselves.  I am so happy for you to have the most important person to you be your best ally.  

The gift is the icing on that cake.

 

I can attest to being with a wonderful women who has gone out of her way to try and support me and accept me.  She has helped me in so many ways to learn how to be a women and has done so may nice things for me like all the female Xmas gifts and products and she literally given me her most of her hand-me-downs she no long fits into, which in truth is probably a good $1200-$1500 valued wardrobe (new prices). 

(I am smaller then she is now-maybe be pushing my luck on that though.  LOL)

 

For this I am thankful and very sad as she also has drawn a line that she will and can not cross with me.  I respect her choices why she can not stay married to me as a women.  She has every right to feel this way.  At least we have developed a very nice "girlfriend" relationship as the spouse relationship fades away.  It hard and sad but feels right for us.

 

[Maddee]

What a sweet gift, Misha! (Ive known a female and male with that name, and thought it was beautiful for a girl).  Happy makeup practicing!

 

Sounds like a nice wardrobe bonus Shawna!  Being the same clothing size as, and dressing with, a female partner) is one of my favorite things I  have ever done so far!

Not certain I'll fit that size again, but I'm closer than in quite a while...

[MetaLicious]

It is wonderful, indeed, @ShawnaLeigh.  There have been times when I was worried that her support would only be for me and not with me. The best thing I did was get a therapist who encouraged me to not be withdrawn when I needed to speak up. I think my position would be much more precarious had I not found the courage to talk with her. I still have much to say, but I feel that it is important to make sure my better half is on board before continuing forward. The signs are good, though!

 

I wish things had worked out better for you, Shawna.  While you may have lost a spouse, I am glad you haven't lost her completely.  Allies of any sort are so valuable during these early times.

 

@Ms Maddie, I did some research before deciding to try Misha, and crossing the gender lines was a definite plus for me! It really has a nice softness to it that only Michelle offered, but without the solid "female only" connotations. I really wanted a name that people could get comfortable using (and that I would be comfortable being called) regardless of how I was presenting at the moment.

 

I am so excited to dig into that tutorial! This girl's gonna add some new tools to her repertoire!

[ShawnaLeigh]

6 hours ago, MetaLicious said:

I wish things had worked out better for you, Shawna. 

Please ladies do not feel badly for me.  This is how it must be and like I said it feels right going about it like two grown adults.  Sharing our home still for each others mutual benefit.

 

We had "issues" well before me coming out that we had worked on for years and years that never would resolve. Nothing terrible but we had some very lacking emotions and intimacy in our relationship and I feel we both deserve what we each want.  Which is not each other now.

I'm sad yes in some small way but I look forward to my future and l know she will be my close friend as I move onward to other chapters in my life.

[MetaLicious]

6 hours ago, ShawnaLeigh said:

Please ladies do not feel badly for me.

Well, the, I won't.  I will, however, be happy for you that you have a friend in her who is still willing to be a part of your journey!

[MetaLicious]

Another pleasant surprise from my wife. Actually, two surprises. In an effort to be more... discreet, I guess, I had started to list my therapy appointments on the family calendar as "M's Therapy" - my wife had even expressed appreciation for it.  I was making an effort not to force a new name on anyone before they were ready, and that pleased my wife enough that she explicitly said as much.  I was looking at the calendar a couple of days ago, and I saw that it said, "Misha's Therapy" - a change I know I did not make.  Apparently, she has really taken a shine to this name!

 

The other surprise relates to the fact that we will be moving soon - to complete her doctorate, there is strong impetus to finish her education elsewhere (in academia, they frown on getting your entire education at one university).  Out of the blue, she brings up the point that moving will be a great time for new beginnings, and that I should try and figure out a style that works for me, so I can start our new life elsewhere being myself instead of finding myself.

 

Most significantly, she offered to give up headscarves and let me "be the headscarf girl." She had previously forbidden me to use headscarves, because that was her thing, and she didn't want us to have the same signature look.  Now, she is looking for ways to help me be less uncomfortable with my (ulp!) male pattern baldness (okay, it's thinning, but I've always said you can be bald and sexy, but balding and sexy just don't go together).

 

While we were on the topic of hair loss (and its prevention), I brought up HRT, and the benefits it could possibly provide.  She wants to talk about it in-depth later on, but her reaction was not a hard no.  I so badly want to start yesteryear, it is like a dream come true just to know it is not an outright rejection scenario.