Why am I 8 years old?

[Miss Bunny]

This subject causes me distress. I'm confused, and I am not happy about it.

 

Where was I before 2012? Why was he here and not me. Is he really gone? I want him to be gone.

 

Why don't I have a past?

 

Why do I feel like a child?

 

Nothing bothers me more than feeling like an abandoned child. I'm lonely, there's no one here. My bio parents are dead now. My family lives in Ottawa, I only see them for 5 days over Christmas.

Otherwise it's just me and my teddy bear Frank. I tell people he's my husband. I don't care if that sounds kooky. He's all I have when I feel lonely.

 

How can I be so incredibly skilled, and so highly educated, and still emotionally a child.

 

I'm crying as I post this, because I'm upset.

 

I don't want to pretend to be 'small', it's not funny to me.

 

[Miss Bunny]

Thanks for your thoughts Mary. I was born in Quebec by the way. I'm from Lachine.

 

I have a sort of adoptive dad, he's English. We've met. He's 2 years older than me physically. But he looks after me in a way.

I attend PFLAG meetings in town, but I usually feel out of sync with the adults in the room. I often listen in while sitting aside colouring.

[Lexi C]

Hey Bunny..Yeah like yourself  I find myself under stress at meeting. I am  a lot older then you. I am 56 even do" AND I AM NOT BRAGGING" I look mid 30. However, I always feel WAY out place at LGBT meeting. I go to my friends bar but I kinda try to avoid any glances or looks, because I always feel I am being judge...I know my GT helps so maybe finding Therapist that you like and take it from there...FYI I have a stuff Cocker Spaniel name Glodie who I call my BF...Be safe, be proud and kick ass

[Miss Bunny]

Thanks for your input Alex.

 

I sometimes wonder, what am I actually supposed to feel like (age wise). My birth certificate says I'm supposed to feel 58.

 

What does 58 feel like?

[Abi]

On 2/21/2020 at 10:46 PM, Miss Bunny said:

What does 58 feel like?

I imagine it should feel any way you would like it to feel.

On 2/21/2020 at 1:55 PM, Miss Bunny said:

I don't want to pretend to be 'small', it's not funny to me.

Is it ok if I ask what you mean? It's ok if not.

[Guest]

I'm 72. But I've struggled with gender dysphoria my whole life.  And it was only about... oh... 12 years ago I realized I wasn't the only biologically male person who longed to be female. (How that came about is a story I'm going to tell, probably in the Biography forum, perhaps later this evening or tomorrow.) I've struggled with depression & anxiety & have been self-abusive to the extent there's permanent damage I've done to myself. I've also made 2 major suicide attempts along the way. (One psychiatrist I saw said she thought there might be a "bipolar element" to what was going on with me (whatever that meant.) I have very few memories of my childhood. And I've read that large gaps in one's memory of their past can be a sign of Complex PTSD, which is also something I think I could make a pretty-good case for in my life.

 

But the thing is I was not only gender dysphoric, I was also what I now recognize to be what is referred to nowadays as ABDL.  And, somehow, my gender dysphoria & my ABDL propensities became inextricably intertwined. Here again, until quite recently, (even more recently than with my gender dysphoria) I thought I was the only person in the world who could have been saddled with such weirdness. Now, of course, I realize there are quite a lot of individuals who have similar propensities.

 

I don't think anyone knows why an adult would feel like a child. But I know it's a real thing because I live it every day. I also know there are others who feel likewise. And it's not funny. In my case, at least, it can actually be somewhat frightening because the child part of me feels frightened much of the time & not able to cope with all of the things most adults handle competently day-in & day-out which is why I live a mostly reclusive lifestyle nowadays, shave my body hair and use baby powder & lotion & powder-scented deodorant because they sooth the gender dysphoric little that I am.