Nb vs binary trans. Advice?

[Rowe]

Recently I got past some of my obstacles when it comes to identifying part time as a women out of... A sense of empowerment & sympathy I think. I'm 30, so I spent over a decade redefining womanhood for myself, being strongly attached to my lesbian identity. It's still hard for me to ignore the impulse to say that I am a lesbian...I feel like it's not entirely true. 

 

I mean, I have been right? I've been living as a woman, so my identity as a lesbian has been pretty valid I think. I'm afraid that by coming out as actually binary/nonbinary trans masculine instead of "nonbinary with attachments to the butch lesbian cisterhood" I'll lose something. 

 

All those sweet sweet jokes about how accidentally stereotypical I am and how I'm a tomboyish nymph of Artemis. Honestly. It sounds silly but that was a place I belonged & made my own. 

 

Still, I recognize that that was not fully me. It was like a temporary accommodation for me. Maybe. 

 

What do now? Are there certain things I can look out for that will tell me if I'm nb vs binary ? Is the shame I feel when someone says "he" for a second actually an indication that maybe I have some embarrassment about myself (I used to always get asked if I wanted to be a guy because of how I dressed, to which I'd be defensive because it sounded like ridicule) or is it an indication that maybe I really am not a binary guy but just an enby who likes their facial hair and .... Wants to do everything to actually physically look/feel/be seen as a guy @.@ except bottom. I don't really want that. 

 

Any more experienced tips for figuring stuff out? So far my only idea is to try to deliberately try to transition as much as possible (nonmedically, except for top which I've wanted for decades) and see how that goes, the main problem being that I can't ask for he/him pronouns without outing myself as something I might not even be. My nickname is a male name already that I just turned into a neutral one through use lol. 

 

Feel free to ask questions or throw some info at me. I may be missing something.

[Jackie C.]

Well, usually when we're questioning we suggest you find yourself a gender therapist. The idea is that they're a professional and can help more than we can one on one. We're better for the peer group part of therapy. We can offer our own insight and experiences, but we're not professionals with fancy bits of paper up on our walls.

 

Well, we can have the fancy paper, but mine says I'm a character animator. That's probably not relevant.

 

So yeah, first rule is usually "cis people don't question their gender." You're doing that so you should definitely find yourself a therapist to talk things through with. In the meantime, we're here if you need to vent, ask more questions and what have you.

 

Hugs!

[Belle]

2 hours ago, Rowe said:

All those sweet sweet jokes about how accidentally stereotypical I am and how I'm a tomboyish nymph of Artemis. Honestly. It sounds silly but that was a place I belonged & made my own. 

It's amazing how what you describe here is identical in nature yet so different in actualization to what I am going through. It seems this happens to all of us. For me it's losing my identity as a cis/conservative Christian male to become the antithesis of the values held by my entire small world.

 

2 hours ago, Rowe said:

Is the shame I feel when someone says "he" for a second actually an indication that maybe I have some embarrassment about myself (I used to always get asked if I wanted to be a guy because of how I dressed, to which I'd be defensive because it sounded like ridicule) or is it an indication that maybe I really am not a binary guy but just an enby who likes their facial hair and .... Wants to do everything to actually physically look/feel/be seen as a guy @.@ except bottom. I don't really want that.

The shame is not likely an indicator of your true identity one way or another. It's internalized transphobia. If you can overcome that then you will be able to see much more clearly. You may have had to deal with the same thing when discovering your sexuality. Many people do. And these are all completely normal thoughts and questions. We're certainly don't judge you regardless of where you are now or where end up: cis lesbian female, straight transmale, somewhere in between, or something else entirely.

 

2 hours ago, Rowe said:

Any more experienced tips for figuring stuff out? So far my only idea is to try to deliberately try to transition as much as possible (nonmedically, except for top which I've wanted for decades) and see how that goes, the main problem being that I can't ask for he/him pronouns without outing myself as something I might not even be. My nickname is a male name already that I just turned into a neutral one through use lol.

As Jackie suggested, find a gender therapist. She/he/they will help you a lot. It really is your first step to figuring things out.

 

And come here any time you want to vent, cry, ask questions, etc. This is an extremely difficult process for anyone. It is so confusing and full of uncertainty. And even if you figure out that you are trans there are many others in your life who likely won't be able to wrap their heads around your conclusion.

 

Belle ❤