Where to go from here?

[Lenneth]

     I am not really sure what to say here and I confess to significant anxiety and uncertainty.  I have always been dissatisfied with being born male.  I have journal entries going back to when I was 11 in which I outright state that.  But at that age, and in what could be called a “traditional Christian” home, concepts like gender identity and the idea of being able to be anything other than what I was born as simply never entered into my consciousness.

 

     That sense of overt dissatisfaction was buried as I entered my teen years.  For a number of reasons.  Partly because I believed this was what I was born as and I had to just “suck it up” and deal with it.  Partly because I had moved and reentered the public school system after several years being homeschooled. The social pressure at my more feminine displays or tendencies came from humiliating mockery and endless harassment.  So I just tried to move on.  Tried to accept that this was what I was.

 

     I made it work.  I was a male.  But that dysphoria persisted, even if kept deep down.  I certainly never talked about it to anyone.  I wrote about it sometimes, but those weren’t for anyone to read.  I just never wanted to be a man.  Even while doing my best to adhere to my biological assignment it always impacted how I interacted and the activities I participated in.  
 

     I have struggled with loneliness and depression all my life.  I pursued relationships with females and enjoyed the physical and emotional intimacy some of those relationships brought.  When I was 25 I even got married.  That relationship lasted 7 years and resulted in 2 boys.  But ultimately she cheated on me twice and walked out.  I quite distinctly remember my frustration and envy over not being able to carry and deliver them myself.  I had known I wanted children since I was 15.  My oldest son has a name I picked for him 11 years before he was born.

 

     I have tried to have relationships since my divorce but that entire experience brought that dysphoria back into a more active part of my thoughts.  About 2 years after that I finally said something to a friend that I knew was friendly to the topic being both bisexual himself and having a few transgender friends.  At the time all I admitted to was simply feeling disconnected with masculinity and wanting to be more feminine.  
 

     In a way that was putting a crack in a dam, except at the time I didn’t realize it.  Once I admitted it verbally, even if it was only part of the whole truth, it just stayed in my mind and the pressure kept forcing that crack open wider.  The frustration and, at times, disgust I feel for the body I have now just got stronger.  But I still couldn’t actually come out and ADMIT anything to anyone.  Not even the counselor I started seeing a few months ago.

 

     A month ago it all just collapsed and I realized I can’t do this anymore.  I can’t keep denying how I feel or going by each day envious of those with the gender and body I wish I had.  I can’t keep fighting to be something that frustrates me and I am ashamed of being at times.  It was difficult.  Not that I need to tell anyone here that, I am sure.  But I finally just openly said it to myself.

 

     My first major step was telling my brother.  And I didn’t want to.  I was terrified of actually TELLING someone else.  But he was exceptionally supportive.  I also used Google to find a transgender support line and I have now called it twice.  The first time the woman I spoke with was simply wonderful.  The second woman was as well and actually found a trans support group that meets about an hour away from me on certain dates.  I will be going to the next meeting they hold.

 

     I am here because I realize I can’t do this alone and I completely lost.  I wish I had just realized and admitted this to myself 20 years ago.  The idea of talking about this to my family scares me and the reactions of the men I work with and the community I reside in terrifies me.  I don’t know where to even BEGIN with a transition process.  I have read constantly about it but it doesn’t assuage any of the uncertainty or anxiety.  I looked up more support information and found an article that had this site listed as a place to communicate with other people, and I need that.

 

     So that’s me.  Doing this is stepping so far out of my comfort zone I feel like I’ve left Earth to land on the moon.  But I desperately want to become what I have wanted to be for as long as I can remember and being able to be open about that after a lifetime of bottling up is a relief I simply lack the words to describe.  Thanks for reading my little novel too.  I didn’t plan on it being so long, I just have wanted to say a lot of that for such a long time.

[KathyLauren]

Hi, Lenneth.  Welcome!

 

Relax, you are among friends.  All of us have had the experience you describe in one form or another.  Yes, it is scary as heck, especially coming out to those first few people.  Once you get to know us here, and especially once you start meeting other trans people at the support group, you will find that you have lots of understanding friends.

 

Relax.  Pay attention to what brings you joy.  Be your true self whenever it is safe to do so.  You will be fine!

 

At the support group, seek out recommendations for a good gender therapist.  A therapist will be able to help you decide what you want your future to look like, and will be able to get you started moving towards it.

 

Regards,

Kathy

[Jackie C.]

Salutations @Lenneth your story is... not uncommon here.

 

Unfortunately, there's no manual for this particular ride. While a checklist would be awesome, all we really get is a giant pile of options to chose from. On the plus side, it helps you customize your experience. Do what you need to do to feel comfortable in your own skin.

 

I'd suggest a gender therapist to start. They're lovely to talk to and in accordance with WPATH standards you'll need to talk to one (or two) before you can do anything medical anyway (mostly, there are exceptions depending on geographic area and what facilities are available). The other benefit being that they can help you work through finding out all about Lenneth and helping her emerge into the world.

 

I've had mixed results with in-person support groups (because I'm very, very weird) but even if that doesn't work out for you, we're here to answer questions, offer advice and listen to you vent. Maybe not as quickly as in person interactions, but we get there.

 

So yeah, welcome to the site! I hope you enjoy your time here. Please feel free to poke around and join the discussion.

 

Hugs!

[Belle]

Welcome to the forum Lenneth!

 

As others have said, your story is unique to you but follows the same rough pattern most of us have experienced.

 

I know how you feel when you mention reaching out to others about this, even mostly anonymously on a forum like this. For me it was a huge step just to do a search on it, then another one to post on this forum. But seeking and building a support network is absolutely critical. This forum is a great place to start and I'm glad you are seeking in person support as well. You're on the right track!

 

Belle ❤

[TommieAnne]

Hi and welcome Lenneth.

Virtually all of us born in the South have had variations on your experience. True also for a lot of Midwesterners. The all-accusing eye of Fundamentalist churches plays a role in a lot of that. Most cities and towns in my neck of the woods may only have a gas station, a convenience store, and six churches. My little town has a bakery too, but only four churches, all within sight of my house.

You'll find friends, support, answers and lots of caring people here. You - we - are not alone.

TA

[Susan R]

On 3/7/2020 at 12:15 AM, Lenneth said:

So that’s me.  Doing this is stepping so far out of my comfort zone I feel like I’ve left Earth to land on the moon.

Welcome Lenneth, it’s truly a pleasure. This feeling may occur several times along your journey.  On occasion, it still stuns me in a similar fashion.  I have woke up on occasion and am amazed at where I am from just two years ago.  I can tell you without doubt, I’m in a much better place now.  Your story is very much like mine even the traditional Christian family background rings a bell. I can relate to everything you discussed.  It’s real and it’s doesn’t matter how hard you try to ignore it, there comes a point where you just have to address the situation head-on.

 

On 3/7/2020 at 12:15 AM, Lenneth said:

I don’t know where to even BEGIN with a transition process.  I have read constantly about it but it doesn’t assuage any of the uncertainty or anxiety.

Your experience is so common among so many people here. Yes, it’s rare in the overall population but we have all sort of found each other here and are working to help one another the best we know how.  Growing up as a teen with little or no way to do research or get any real help makes us feel alone.  That is no longer the case.  Reading about the experiences of others is good but uncertainty and anxiety won’t go away by themselves. There are steps that can help.  Reaching out to an ally (your brother), a local support group, and the people here are very good first steps. Finding a therapist specializing in gender issues is usually another direction you might consider. The process takes time but I can assure you that you are on your way to a better understanding of yourself, your past and with a little effort, your future.  Thank you for sharing this part of yourself.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R?

 

 

[Sally Stone]

Lenneth,

 

So now, you have come to terms with your real gender.  Hold that close to your heart.  It's actually a blessing once you accept it, and now your journey begins.  The great news is that this forum harbors so many who have traveled the same road, and they will always offer tremendous support and awesome advice.  You couldn't have found a better group to share your adventure.

 

Hugs,

 

Sally

[ShawnaLeigh]

Welcome Lennith and I glad you found us and I am certain you will find the love acceptance and support I did when I joined.  

It is truly an amazing place and I love it here.

Participate as much or as little as you wish but ask whatever you need to help your journey along.  You are not alone and, yes, among friends who understand now.