Hi from Jack

[JackCornwall]

Hi, I’m Jack, I’m 50 years old and have (finally) admitted to myself and some friends that I am male. It’s just I’m stuck in this female body. Uuugghhh! 
 

I have a lot going on in my life right now, recently separated, living in my van, mental health issues and on the plus side? Starting to be the real me! Reaching out to other people in the transgender community. Feeling like I can finally breathe. Told my hairdresser yesterday & got a new haircut and much love, No more hiding.

 

enjoying reading the forums, Thank you all for being there 

[tracy_j]

Hi Jack, welcome to TransPulse.

 

I am sorry to hear that you are having a bad time of things at the moment but things will improve with time and effort. At least, on one positive note the spring is about here and the weather is generally warming up so making things a little more comfortable. Please don't hesitate to read around here, join in and post as people are friendly and there is a wealth of experience to draw upon. There are quite a few here from the Uk as well as elsewhere.

 

It's nice to meet you - I look forward to your posts.

 

Tracy

[JackCornwall]

Thanks for your welcome Tracy. Better weather and better times ahead. The journey is beginning 

 

Jack

[ShawnaLeigh]

Welcome Jack!  Glad you have found us.  Yes the early stages really suck and are so hard but time makes all things better it seems.

You at least feel free and on the right path and that's a huge step toward personal growth, understanding and wholeness.

Congrats!

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Jack,

Welcome to Transpulse. I'm glad you're here!

 

Lots of love and a big welcome hug,

Timber Wolf ?

[Robin]

Hi Jack,

 

I am glad that you have joined us. 

 

Robin.

[TommieAnne]

Hi and welcome Jack from the other side of the pond!

Glad you found us.

TA

[Susan R]

Welcome Jack, it’s nice to have you join our community.  I too am sorry about these initial struggles.  It does get easier once you’ve stabilized and gained friends and allies along the way. Reaching out to others like us is great! Hopefully, your community is large enough for you to gain many new acquaintances.  If not, you can find many here I’m sure. They can offer great advice and friendship.  If you ever feel like sharing a little more about your journey up til now, please do as you feel comfortable. Thanks for sharing with us a part of yourself.  Transpulse is a safe place to do so.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R?

[JackCornwall]

Thank you all for the welcome you lovely people. 
 

Its been a terrible day, so I’m going to ignore that and tell you a bit more about me.

 

i stood up to my (terrifying) adults at the age of 3 or 4 or so and refused to be called by my female name. I’m not going into details here, but the fact that I did this at all is extraordinary considering the parents I had . They gave me a new name, which wasn’t gender specific ( not that I gave that reason at 4) they called me ‘Fizzy’ this name stuck and stayed.

 

as a child my friends were boys. I climbed trees, got muddy, refused to sew or knit and was often seen as a boy by adults who didn’t know me. In those days I used to pray that one day I would wake up ( if I was just good enough) and I would have grown boy bits. I was never good enough. It never happened. Girl bits came along instead. I am pretty sure many of you identify with how that felt.

 

time marched on. There were a myriad of other things for me to deal with in my early life. In my young way, at that time, in that place, I just hid myself away and got on with what I was supposed to do

 

I never fitted in. I tried hard, but it was like pushing jelly into post box. It just never worked. 
 

So many years later, I found myself (for various reasons) in therapy. I was trying to explain why loosing weight was so important to me. Why I hated mirrors or looking at myself. Eventually I blurted out ‘I’m just the wrong shape - this body is all female’

 

oh.

 

I couldn’t quite believe it. How had I not realised this before. How many years had I wasted & could I even think of doing anything now?

 

since then I have been thinking, reading, watching and generally educating myself. Trying to be patient and not leap up and down like a frog shouting ‘ I’m Jack I’m Jack and I’m a BOY!!’ ( not that I’m impulsive!) quietly telling people. 
 

no one yet has been hugely surprised 

 

I know it isn’t going to be easy. Some hours I am elated and excited. Others I’m despairing not knowing what is ahead. The dysphoria is much worse now, but I think it will create the energy to change whatever I need to. 
 

there is much more to my story, but that’s what I feel safe telling you right now. Thanks all 

 

Jack