Help a mama out!

[Pellaboo]

Hi!

My 13 year old recently came out as non-binary.  They are at an amazing school where they were able to find the language to express how they were feeling and the openness to be accepted for it.  I'm extremely lucky that they have such a safe space.  Here's my question.  As a mom who's very new to this, what can I do to support them?  What do you wish you'd had from family when first figuring things out?  They've had more challenges in their 13 years than they should have.  From severe ADHD (hence the eventual move to the amazing school with some homeschooling in between) and once they were finally settled, I went through a cancer diagnosis...I just want to make sure that this is one less thing they need to worry about.  

Thanks for any advice or resources you might be able to give!

[Jackie C.]

Alright, let's see...

 

Love them. It's important that your child knows that you love them for who they are. No matter what.

 

Accept whatever pronouns they'd like and do your best to use them. You will screw up. When this happens, apologize and move on.

 

The first one is the most important though. Love them. Accept them. Fight for them if someone else in their lives goes tragically stupid. Support them and their choices... basic parenting stuff. I think you're already off to a good start.

 

Hugs!

[VickySGV]

My first suggestion is to find a parent support organization. 

 

The UK has Mermaids.org https://mermaidsuk.org.uk/  and here in the U.S. we have PFLAG https://pflag.org/

 

I am sure there is a similar group there in Canada and I would love it if someone could point to it for me too.  I am sure your local LGBT community center can direct you to one.  Being in a support group will help both of you because they have activities at both parent and child levels.  As said above though, just love them, treat your child as a normal child.  Chew them out for the normal get-on-parent's-nerves stuff, encourage them to do their best in their school work.  Then take some time just for you. 

 

[Firenze]

There is pflag in Canada as well:

https://pflagcanada.ca

 

Im sure there’s many other organizations in your area that you could reach out to, such as pride centres, etc, 

[Susan R]

2 hours ago, Pellaboo said:

Here's my question.  As a mom who's very new to this, what can I do to support them?  What do you wish you'd had from family when first figuring things out?

Everyone, so far, gave you excellent so I can only add a little to what they’ve already stated based on my parents and their reaction when they caught me crossdressing.  Just reaching out like you have sets you a world apart from my parents.  I loved my parents deeply but they had serious flaws when it came to issues like this.  They were in denial that their oldest son could be their daughter.

 

Here are a few things my parents could have improved when learning about my secret.

• Your child communicates using more than just words and phrases...watch for signs of emotional distress and need—be alert to what they are not telling you and use your gut.

• Listen intently to what they are saying and trust they have reason to tell you whatever it is—even if it is irrational or seemingly untrue.  We all have different truths as many times it is just a matter of perspective.

• In expanding on the above...Try to understand your child from their actions to their words from their perspective not yours.

• Listen carefully as if it was the last words you would ever hear them speak when discussing these issues. (My parents FAILED at this.). Always give them time to say everything they want on the topic.

• Realize that what they share, have concerns about, or is ‘top of mind’ is likely more important to them than you. The details are very important to them but don’t push them.

• Despite how much you disagree with them, their point of view, or actions, show them love and kindness.  Don’t overuse your status as parent to railroad them.

• Try to ask in one form or another during the conversations with your child, “What can I do to help you right now?” or “What would you like me to do differently?”.  You don’t have to agree to do everything they ask right there and then but this gives you a place to start by offering to either assist in that help, change or offer other alternatives.

• Above all, do not treat them like they have a sickness, they simply need guidance, support and your understanding.

 

I realize after typing that all out that I am little better than my parents. I made many mistakes when my daughter brought home her live in girlfriend. I could’ve been even more supportive than I was...at least initially   I learned from that experience.  I wasn’t reading between the lines.  Whatever you do, just do your best.  You may have only one chance to start your child on the right path.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R?

 

[Allison Meadows]

Love and listen to them. My parents loved me but believed that by ignoring, denying and otherwise assuming I would "grow out of it" all would be fine. Then when I married they assumed they were right. While I adore my wife, I have been miserable for my entire life knowing I was born in the wrong body. They needed to recognize that I wanted support, not a turned back. Be there, listen, don't judge. 

[Susan R]

36 minutes ago, Allison Meadows said:

My parents loved me but believed that by ignoring, denying and otherwise assuming I would "grow out of it" all would be fine.

Wow, that is a very important point. Look at the shear numbers of transgender individuals just on this site that have carried this burden their entire life....it does not just go away.

 

Thank you @Allison Meadows!!!

[VickySGV]

2 hours ago, Liam E. said:

There is pflag in Canada as well:

 

Thanks Liam for my information expanding.

[Pellaboo]

Thank you so much for all the feedback!  I'm happy that I was raised in a way that it never occurred to me to think it was a phase or that they'll "grow out of it".  We have also talked about the idea that they are perfectly allowed to redefine themselves at any time.  One of the things I learned through the ADHD assessment was that the world likes to judge and I hope I set a foundation back then that they should be themselves at all times no matter who that was and what society said(within the confines of the law and family rules!)

I will be taking on board everything you have all said!

[Lexi C]

Hey Pellaboo everyone is right that Loving then is important. But Listen,,I mean really listen not to their words but there actions is important . If you  catch then CD don't just ask; what their doing or how dose that make then feel. Just be there make  them feel normal, not stupid or weird. My mom never listen she was to afraid of the shame it brought to her and fam. So she turn a blind eye like all of fam did. I wish someone in my fam or friends  would of  just listen and said" You want to go out and play or you look nice." it would of save me a lot of depression and grief..Good Luck

[Allison Meadows]

14 hours ago, Susan R said:

Wow, that is a very important point. Look at the shear numbers of transgender individuals just on this site that have carried this burden their entire life....it does not just go away.

 

Thank you @Allison Meadows!!!

Not only doesn't it go away, but over time, it's like a disease that spreads and spreads. What @Alex C says is so true.

[GraceH]

Don't forget to be a parent, though.  Parents have to set boundaries and help make decisions which are too weighty for kids of a given age.  Communicate your intent and reasoning.  Try very hard to be consistent and do what you said you are going to do, either for reward or for discipline.  Don't act in anger or because you, yourself are triggered by some situation.  That last thing may be the hardest, I think it was for me.  Just try to be aware when it's your own stuff that's motivating you, rather than their stuff.  Another thing, there may be times when they don't want you up in their business.  I was too emotionally distant with my kids and I think my brother is too emotionally invasive with his.  I would say be respectful of their emotional privacy, while being very sensitive to what is actually going on.  Sometimes you have to guess a lot.  But paying attention is the important thing, rather than actually knowing what the **** is going on with a 13 year old if they don't want you to know.  If they do want you to know, then you hit the jackpot and all you have to do is ride the wave, LoL.  And not get triggered by what they're telling you. :)

[BrandiBri]

I agree that love is important, but I would add that you make it clear that no topic is off limits, that they can talk about anything and you will listen. Also, let them know that your house is a safe place and that you have their back. I have a wooden box that I bought a Target a couple of years ago that says on one side "love" and the other side says "be nice or leave". If I were in your situation I would not hesitate to inform people that disrespect is not tolerated.

As hard is it may seem, let your child be the one to "steer the ship", with reasonable limits of course. 

 

Best wishes for both of you,

Brandi

[Lexi C]

BrandiBRi that awesome Love that box idea. Sorry didn't mean to highjack anything. SIF is right as well