Coming Out to Family -- a Second Time

[Needlepoint]

hey all. looking for thoughts/opinions/moral support on this issue.

 

i transitioned initially 3 years ago. it did not go well. my parents gave me 8 hours' notice to leave the house and my mom told me "don't come back". it was a bad day and also my first experience with homelessness. spent a year on HRT and then de-transitioned as a result of a lot of trauma over the course of that year.

 

fast forward to today... i've been on HRT again for 6 weeks. i'm really happy with my choice, but i need to tell my parents again. i was able to recover my relationship with them after i de-transitioned, and a lot of things were said to indicate that they regretted responding to me the way they did. but i'm afraid they'll respond badly again.

 

unfortunately i also live with them again, so not being out interferes with being able to practice exercises for speech therapy, with dressing the way i want, and just with my comfort generally. so i need to come out. again.

 

the shock factor will be gone at least. or softened. i thought about writing them a letter? my parents are both big readers and writers so i felt like it might be easiest for them to be able to react to it privately and choose how to best handle themselves. i trust that they mean well, as they have never said they hated me or anything at all like that. really good parents in other regards actually. so if i'm just vulnerable and honest about it... maybe?

 

i don't want to be homeless again. it's hard to imagine they'd kick me out a second time though. it broke their hearts the first time and i think they saw that they -toasted- up, even if they haven't said as much to me. besides we used to fight and now do not at all, so everything is just calmer.

 

so, letter or in person? any advice for what to say? i'm really looking forward to getting past this...

[Jackie C.]

All the moral support. We'll set up scaffolding and a solid foundation for your morals. You will have the most stable morals imaginable.

 

As for telling your parents. Well, first off: Yikes. I'd be worried that they'd respond badly a second time and that I was dependent on them for having a roof over my head. That is some scary, scary stuff. Do you have a Plan B in case they react by throwing you out again? When I came out to my wife, I didn't have one and, while it worked out for me, it doesn't work out for everyone. That was very much a glaring hole in my plan. I regret not having a contingency set up for "Suddenly Homeless." At least a friend's couch to crash on for a while.

 

Next up: Actually telling your parents. I do not like telling people important news by text. That has always gone poorly for me. People read whatever they want into it and interpret it the way they want to. You might try a hybrid approach where you write yourself discussion points or hand them something to read while you're in the room so you can answer questions. However, I prefer coming out in person during a heart to heart. That part is important. Come out to your parents one at a time, not both at once. I'd start with the parent that is most likely to be sympathetic. Or at least less likely to pitch a fit.

Fair warning, your parents can surprise you. I had pretty much polar opposite reactions from my parents than what I had expected. My fault for sugar coating what I thought of them. Looking back... well, dad's still a surprise, but I should have expected my egg-donor's reaction.

 

The only caveat I have about coming out in person is: "Do you think you might be in physical danger?" If that's the case, by all means come out in writing and preferably from a safe distance. Some of us get beaten to death by family members. That's not something you want to get on you.

 

Good luck sweetie!

 

Hugs!

[ShawnaLeigh]

I agree. Please try to arrange a plan B.  I did not do this either and suffered for it.  
 

However I do suggest the letter.  I have done this with practically every one and it went over extremely well for me. I feel it gives you the opportunity to get what you need to say out there without interruptions or going off on tangents.  For me I would get to emotional verbally and not be able to get it all out.  This is how I told my wife and it was a three day disaster movie. 
Good luck!

[ToniTone]

I concur, consider a backup plan in case it doesn't work out. If you have no reliable backup plan and there is a very real possibility you might be out on the streets, you might want to put it off. You are no less valid just because you have to hide who you are. 

 

I am in the telling in person camp. It's a very personal thing, coming out. The delivery should be too. You can see and respond appropriately to their reaction real time. 

 

So you transitioned once, went through a very unfortunate series of circumstances, de-transitioned, didn't feel right with it and are now transitioning again... that speaks volumes to how very real your gender dysmorphia and your feelings about it are. I hope your parents may see that and sympathize... 

 

~Toni