Statements by my wife - bad omen?

[Allison Meadows]

For  the past two weeks not needing yucky men's dress suits, I have worn heavy shirts or sweaters with my bra underneath. It helps the dysphoria and reaffirms who I am, not who my body displays. My wife thinks I'm crazy in general, it seems, telling me last night, I really wish you wouldn't wear them. She won't even call what I wear a bra and it's Victoria's Secret. Probably not a good omen when I announce that I am transitioning. Thoughts, suggestions, commiseration? 

 

[Jani]

 No probably not a good sign.  Have you started therapy?  How about your wife?  It might be a good idea.  Trying to get her to understand by yourself may be difficult as she would see you invested in a specific outcome.  

[Jackie C.]

That could be an ill omen, yeah. Hopefully she's just surprised and doesn't understand what's going on. From her perspective you've suddenly started stealth cross-dressing with no explanation. I caught my wife by surprise too. She was, and continues to be, very supportive but she didn't see this coming.

 

I completely get what you're saying though. I started dressing and loved it early in my transition too. I just didn't let my wife see any of it until after I came out... and after she said she was OK with it. That took about two months after I originally came out to her.

 

Hopefully she's change her tune once you've explained what's going on and given her some time to process.

 

Hugs!

[Allison Meadows]

Except I've worn panties for forever, and at times wear bras and nylons, but intermittently. So she knows a lot more than we have ever discussed, it's just it went from at home infrequently to daily and to bed. That's what scares me.

[Emily michelle]

I think it sounds like she just needs time to adjust. I have to remind myself that it is just as much of an transition for her as it is you.

[ShawnaLeigh]

On 3/21/2020 at 8:39 PM, Emily michelle said:

I think it sounds like she just needs time to adjust. I have to remind myself that it is just as much of an transition for her as it is you.

This is so easily missed by us who are in transition or struggling with it.  Its about us.  Its our issue.

Wrong.

Its the issue of everyone close to you and especially a spouse.

Having patients and empathy for your spouse/significant other is critical if you ever what to forge ahead and be your true self AND keep your marriage or relationships alive.

[TommieAnne]

My gender therapist suggested that when the time came, we could have some joint sessions to include those close to me who might be struggling to understand. To get the "wording right."

I'm not sure if that's an option for you or not, but if it is, that would seem like it's worth a try.

TA

[KayC]

Hi Allison.  OK - I will commiserate with you ? My experience feels similar .... so I will share that with you.
 

upon coming out to my wife (only to her so far) its been a roller coaster of highs and lows.  She is generally supportive, lets me crossdress on my own (has even bought me some clothes) but its obvious she does not feel comfortable seeing me as a woman.
She has put limits and that includes that I don't go out in public and I don't transition, so eventually we will need to resolve that, because that is the way I am heading.

 

She is OK with where I am at right now ... but I'm not, so something will have to give at some point.  For now, we just don't discuss my gender identity anymore.

So, I feel I first need to seek individual counseling for myself and plan to do so (as others on this forum have suggested), but I am afraid my wife will see that as a threat.  But, have to get past that obstacle (and the covid lockdown) first.  My mental well being cannot be negotiated.

Then hopefully couple counseling once I have determined the best path for my gender issues.  Not sure where it will end up for both of us, but I want her to be happy too.  Hopefully its a compatible happiness for both of us.

I hope your situation smooths out and the "roller coaster" is a gentle one. 
all the best

Kay
 

[SaraAW]

Hi Alison, Everyone's relationship is different as will be the reaction to the coming out.  For my story, my wife has been struggling since I came out to her 8 months ago. I've been wearing feminine underwear and bras daily for the last 6 months and have been on HRT for the last 3 1/2.  She has been able to tolerate this, as long as it is out of sight. I've struggled to get her to open up about her feelings.  I have not been able to convince her to reach out for therapy, even though I go regularly.  I finally had a breakthrough with her a couple of weeks ago.  She finally told me the reason she doesn't want to see me act or wear anything feminine, is that it immediately makes me unattractive in her eyes.  She has not a single non-hetero feeling in her.  Having finally got her to open about this has allowed me to at least start to realize, we are likely not going to remain married long term, unless she finds out she was mistaken about her sexual identity.   She does clearly love me, as she is still with me, and still demonstrates her love for me regularly.  So I can picture us heading in the direction of a friend of mine and becoming best GFs that share a house together, at least for awhile.  Whether this will come to fruition or not is still anyone's guess, as it looks to be a long road of growth and acceptance for us both.

 

So all of that to say, you need to communicate with each other.  Openly, honestly and regularly.  Without that, you will never see what the stumbling blocks are for each of you in time, you both may just end up tripping up.  It may take time and patience to get your SO to open up.  These are very hard things to discuss.

 

I hope that you two can figure things out.  Have a great day. Hugs!

[GraceH]

Having been in couple's counseling long ago, I noticed that neither partner can really change a relationship.  I feel a couple needs a third party to pivot around to really change things.  From your original note, it sounds like your wife has a vested interest that may change with time on it's own, but better to get a referee.  More likely to have a better outcome.  Best of luck.

[Janae]

On 5/4/2020 at 6:06 AM, KCraig said:

upon coming out to my wife (only to her so far) its been a roller coaster of highs and lows.  She is generally supportive, lets me crossdress on my own (has even bought me some clothes) but its obvious she does not feel comfortable seeing me as a woman.
She has put limits and that includes that I don't go out in public and I don't transition, so eventually we will need to resolve that, because that is the way I am heading.

This is exactly where I am at. About 6 months ago my wife told me she was going to leave me if I transitioned, now or 5 years from now.  She even went so far to say that even if I didn’t physically transition and just wanted to be a woman she was done. When she said the second part that is when I knew she really did not understand that I already am a woman. It is hard for cis people to understand this. But given time I think they can. As so many have said “this is not a race to the finish”.  Be patient. 
 

Hugs

 

Janae

[maddyfuem]

1 hour ago, Janae said:

As so many have said “this is not a race to the finish”.  Be patient. 
 

Hugs

 

Janae

It is very difficult to be patient when you know that you are a woman and your wife (or in our case we are saying we're friends) wants to be supportive but is uncomfortable at the same time.

[KayC]

17 hours ago, Janae said:

About 6 months ago my wife told me she was going to leave me if I transitioned, now or 5 years from now.

Thank you, Janae and Maddy, for sharing.  It provides encouragement to me that others are also struggling but we remain determined even in the face of our obstacles. 
My hope is someday we all make it to our goal and receive the acceptance from those we love and care about.

❤️
Kay

 

[GraceH]

My partner and I got into it a bit yesterday.  She was feeling insecure that maybe my changes were taking me farther from her.  For me, it feels like a big move closer, but I had to say that.  I think I'll have to reassure her many more times as things go on.  Also, I don't quite know the destination, so I can't exactly say where I'll end up, change-wise. -Grace.