I don’t want to go back in the closet

[Faye1972]

Last week I started the conversation with my wife about my inner feeling, my need to dress and be feminine. She has realised that I have been unhappy for a number of years and I think she finally put 2 and 2 together and understood why. I didn’t tell her that I think I am transgender even though she asked me outright, I skirted around the issue saying I didn’t know. After this she did some research and has been very understanding but said she couldn’t handle it if I wanted to be dressed as a woman ‘around the house’. Clearly this won’t happen as we have two teenage children and I am not ready to tell them yet. 
 

My worry is that I have now ventured outside the closet but it feels like a short visit and then I’ll be back in there tucked up again with only my thoughts. I felt euphoric when I first told her but that has subsided back to uncertainty and fear. I felt less lonely for a while but can feel it returning. 
 

I have always struggled with repressed feelings (I’m British FFS) and I know I need to be bold and let it out but it is hard to do so. I don’t want to hurt her and my family but if I don’t, I will be hurting myself and possibly irreparably.
 

help........ 

[Sabine]

First my non-helpful comment: You might be me talking. Down to the teenage household and even the euphoria that waned. With that out of the way however, there are a couple things to think about. One, is that the conversation you initiated is new. Everyone will need time to process this information. My wife, who may hold a world record in hard-headedness, very slowly has opened up the possibility for dealling with this trangender thing (for whatever that means to her). A HUGE step was me seeing a gender therapist. I was able to basically say that while I tried to figure out ways to "beat this thing" my gender therapist certainly does not recommend me going 'back in the closet.' It lends a certain authority to back up my feelings.

Also, positively note that perhaps changing the metaphor of "closet" just slightly, to "suitcase," would reveal that you opened up this suitcase, and now it is impossible to get it shut again, even if it is just a sock that is stuck on the edge, ... that one step is huge, so be proud of yourself for that.

Sabine.

[Faye1972]

Thank you Sabine. I guess I am concerned about momentum, I’ve taken that step but I don’t want it to be in vain, I don’t want to skip back to how I was before with ‘it’s just a phase - he’ll grow out of it’ from my wife. I am not a pushy person. I always put others first and am quite selfless. I’ve worked hard all my life to provide a comfortable life for my family but at the expense of my happiness. Matters complicated because my son has a life limiting genetic condition but that’s another story. 
 

I appreciate your response. I’m not getting back in the closet and like the reference to a suitcase. 
 

xx

[ShawnaLeigh]

4 hours ago, Faye1972 said:

My worry is that I have now ventured outside the closet but it feels like a short visit and then I’ll be back in there tucked up again with only my thoughts. I felt euphoric when I first told her but that has subsided back to uncertainty and fear. I felt less lonely for a while but can feel it returning. 

I so understand this feeling as do a lot of us here.  Those who are wanting to finally come out and be free and transition but married are in a pickle to say the least.

What if they don't take it well/

What if its marriage ending?

Etc.

So we go back in and peek out every once in as while.  Its hard I know hon.

Coming out is a very hard thing to do and manage.  We are all here to help you but sharing our experiences.

 

 

[Faye1972]

30 minutes ago, ShawnaLeigh said:

I so understand this feeling as do a lot of us here.  Those who are wanting to finally come out and be free and transition but married are in a pickle to say the least.

What if they don't take it well/

What if its marriage ending?

Etc.

So we go back in and peek out every once in as while.  Its hard I know hon.

Coming out is a very hard thing to do and manage.  We are all here to help you but sharing our experiences.

 

 

Thanks hun. I think I’m out to my wife but she’s probably in that denial phase. We talked about it a lot last week but since she’s brushed it under the carpet. I fear raising it again as don’t want to be pushy and selfish (there I go again). God this is a minefield xxx

[ShawnaLeigh]

Give her time and space and don't not keep asking or dropping hints on needing to know how she feels.

Her initial response was excellent.  But those who are closest to us need to time to absorb what you just told them.  You've probably known bout this for years.  She just found out the man she married is really a women inside and wants to be set free to be one.  She will have a slew or worries and fears all her own.  IN time just be patient with her and understanding this is is not your issue but yours together.  Soft and gentle honest and open communication and listen don't just explain.  I know we all feel the need to explain everything.

That's comes in time too.

 

[Faye1972]

Thanks Shawna.... time is something we have plenty of at the moment. Patience is the key. Xxx

[ShawnaLeigh]

28 minutes ago, Faye1972 said:

Thanks Shawna.... time is something we have plenty of at the moment. Patience is the key. Xxx

Your so welcome dear and this is why we come here.  To help others threw our own mistakes.

Trust me I wish I had known all that when I came out to my wife.  LOL

Mine was a three day blubbering cry fest and it was terrible.  Resulting in an instant divorce.

So trust me that if she is willing to understand and learn and support you then count your blessings.  This is not the way of it for a lot of us here.

I feel like you two have a great start to this and with love and understanding, PATIENTS, you will move past it.

Believe me hon, being out and full time is everything I dreamed it to be and more.

It can happen.

 

 

 

[Faye1972]

It’s what I have dreamt of for years and I am slowly beginning to believe it might be happenIng. Still a long way to go. 
 

I am pleased I found this place. 
 

xx

[KathyLauren]

3 hours ago, Faye1972 said:

I always put others first and am quite selfless.

 

I agree that it is good to give your wife time to adjust to your reality.  But keep a little bit of gentle pressure on there.  You will need to keep moving forward, however slowly.

 

The danger in being completely selfless is that you lose yourself.  In the pre-flight safety briefing, they always tell you to put your own oxygen mask on before helping others with theirs.  Because if you don't look out for your own safety first, you will be in no shape to help others.  That is true in many aspects of life, and it is true here.

 

Kathy

[Faye1972]

Thanks Kathy, wonderful advice. I feel like I’m breathing freely for the first time since I was a child. Free of the smog of denial and secrecy. Baby steps. Xxx

[ShawnaLeigh]

1 hour ago, KathyLauren said:

The danger in being completely selfless is that you lose yourself.  In the pre-flight safety briefing, they always tell you to put your own oxygen mask on before helping others with theirs.  Because if you don't look out for your own safety first, you will be in no shape to help others.  That is true in many aspects of life, and it is true here.

 

Wow that is so profound and true.

Thanky ou!

[Sally Stone]

Faye, there's a very delicate balance when it comes to the needs of others and being true to yourself.  I commend you for understanding that quite well.  Kathy is right though, about taking care of yourself. 

 

You have started the conversation with your wife, so, I recommend you keep it going.  Communication, or lack of it, is a common problem in relationships, especially relationships that include a transgender person.  You want to make sure you keep communicating with your wife, and that might be as simple as expressing your feelings even when you aren't certain what they mean.  You won't be embarking on this journey alone, so you may as well keep those who are coming along for the ride, well-informed.

 

Best wishes and hugs,

 

Sally

[Sabine]

KathyLauren's idea of "gentle pressure" is very good indeed. One thing my wife seems to do, perhaps as a defense mechanism, is to ignore the conversation or change the subject if she feels it is going towards trans issues. It can be rather annoying actually, but, gentle pressure is slowly making its in-roads. Don't forget to also make your way out into the greater world as well, baby steps maybe, but steps they are nonetheless.

Sabine.

[Charlize]

I would suggest that you go to a therapist. I faced a similar situation and felt horrible about hurting my wife but felt trapped and unable to continue.  Therapy helped a great deal.  my therapist was also available to speak with my wife.  It wa a rough journey with many tears but that was years ago.  We are having breakfast together now and she got me a new blouse through email yesterday.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Faye1972]

Thanks both. I am receiving some wonderful advice. My next step is to see my doctor for a referral but as you can imagine everything is a bit up in the air at the moment with Covid.  I’m excited but nervous. Xx

[Faye1972]

1 hour ago, Sally Stone said:

Faye, there's a very delicate balance when it comes to the needs of others and being true to yourself.  I commend you for understanding that quite well.  Kathy is right though, about taking care of yourself. 

 

You have started the conversation with your wife, so, I recommend you keep it going.  Communication, or lack of it, is a common problem in relationships, especially relationships that include a transgender person.  You want to make sure you keep communicating with your wife, and that might be as simple as expressing your feelings even when you aren't certain what they mean.  You won't be embarking on this journey alone, so you may as well keep those who are coming along for the ride, well-informed.

 

Best wishes and hugs,

 

Sally

Very wise words. Thank you so much.  Hugs back. Faye xx

[RobynNYC]

I feel compelled to add that therapy is uber helpful. I’m in awe of all the ladies who manage this without therapy.  I would be a total basket case.   ??‍♀️

[Faye1972]

7 hours ago, Sally Stone said:

Faye, there's a very delicate balance when it comes to the needs of others and being true to yourself.  I commend you for understanding that quite well.  Kathy is right though, about taking care of yourself. 

 

You have started the conversation with your wife, so, I recommend you keep it going.  Communication, or lack of it, is a common problem in relationships, especially relationships that include a transgender person.  You want to make sure you keep communicating with your wife, and that might be as simple as expressing your feelings even when you aren't certain what they mean.  You won't be embarking on this journey alone, so you may as well keep those who are coming along for the ride, well-informed.

 

Best wishes and hugs,

 

Sally

it’s in my list Sally. When we get out of this lockdown madness. Xxx