New, but not new

[Kelsey Brooke]

Hi. I have been coming to this forum for about a month (I was originally KM, but I couldn't figure out how to change my name so I created this account with my true name) and I am grateful for all the encouragement I read from everyone. I had posted about coming out to my wife at that time, but never told my story. So, here it is:

 

Like most, I knew something was different about me from an early age. One of the first memories I come back to was when I was about six or so. I was watching Grease and every time Sandy came on and started singing, I would put my mom's shawl on and pretend I was her. I loved being her!  Every movie or show that I watched, I would imagine being the girl. I never gave it much thought because I thought I just liked the actress. But now, I realize I wanted to be that character. I never saw myself as the guy, always the girl. As I got older, those feelings were still there, but hidden.

 

 I have been told by some people that I act feminine, so I would pull myself back in and try to act more macho. I grew a beard trying to be more manly. I started watching football and baseball to fit in with the other guys. But, I was never really happy. Not until now.

 

Over the last few years, I have been doing a lot of soul searching. I was trying to figure out why I was always depressed even when things were going great. I forgave people that wronged me and asked for forgiveness for things that I did wrong. I started clearing my mind of all the things that bothered me. Then, about a month ago, I started connecting all the dots from my childhood until now and realized that most (if not all) my depression came down to one thing: I as born in the wrong body! That I should have been female from birth.

 

I have been with my wife for over 30 years. We met when we were 15. We have five children and four grandkids. I didn't know if I should tell her or not, but she caught on that something was on my mind. So she asked me and I … told her. She said she new something, but could never figure it out. That night was good. The next few weeks, however, were a roller coaster. She asked me questions and I answered them. Then she asked more questions. And got sad, which made me sad that I hurt her. Then she got mad and angry. I dared not say anything, for she is the one that is hurt. She is losing the man she married. I tried to tell her I am still me, but that made things worse.

 

Over the coarse of the last few weeks, things have changed. She is starting to become more accepted of me and things are looking good. Of coarse there is a pandemic going on right now, so it kind of limits what I can do, for me to move forward. So I am doing little things right now to make me feel whole. Hopefully, things will start opening back up so I can become more me, but for now, the slow pace is good for her. I will post more as the weeks go on.

 

Thanks for listening.

 

 

[Jackie C.]

Thank you for sharing Kelsey.

 

As a total aside, you can ask one of the staff for a name change and we'll either do it if we have the power or pass the request along to someone who can.

 

Hugs!

[Lexi C]

• Thanks For Sharing Kelsey. Great name btw..

[Kelsey Brooke]

@Jackie C. Thank you for the information.

@Alex C Thank you!

[Oh_Kay]

Dear Kelsey,

 

Thank you for sharing! I hope your wife sticks by your side and best of luck to you going forward!

 

Kay

[Jani]

Hello Kelsey  Welcome again!  I met my wife when we were that age too (It was 50 years ago though!)  Keep the lines of communication open with your wife.  Remember you have two ears and one mouth, so listen more!  You might be able to reach out to find a gender therapist that you can connect with via video meetings.  Its all the rage now!!  Honestly, once the world settles into a (new) sense of normalcy you can explore more and both of you can start to understand what this means.  Remember there are no rules and that you only need to transition as far as you need to feel better.  We look forward to hearing more from you.

 

Jani

[susannah]

Welcome Kelsey.  Your stories sound quite familiar.  Unfortunately, I am still searching...