Uncertainty before HRT

[Dearhart]

I have a tele meeting with my gender therapist tomorrow and i don't know how to bring up something potentially important.

Because it's the only meeting i have before i meet with an endocrinologist for the first time regarding FtM HRTr.

I keep having doubts, which is likely to be expected when on the cusp of a major decision like this. But my problem is i haven't been able to work past those doubts.

Part of me wants to think this gender dysphoria is just a manifestation of my social inability to attract a girlfriend, so I'm just trying to become my own girlfriend, in a sense. 

But then, at the same time, i can't get over how feminine I've felt and avoided for so long. 

And on top of that, i find myself vacillating between traditional gender roles. Like wanting to be soft, delicate, motherly, and feminine at the same time as wanting to be the strong, masculine provider and defender.

At the moment, my therapist has me officially listed as nonbinary gender nonconforming.  And i just don't know if I'm ready for or even certain the hormone therapy will be the treatment i need with all this uncertainty, but i also don't want to wait until I'm sure of things cause that's all i ever do and i never get around to being sure of much of anything until it's too late to matter.

 

I would appreciate any insight, past experience, or suggestions to bring up with my therapist tomorrow. 

[VickySGV]

Therapists today do use early HRT as a diagnostic tool to help determine where the person is.  The thing is that you will know pretty early in the game if it is right for you, and if not, stopping early in the course reverses itself quite well.   Major physical effects take 3 to 6 months to begin showing, and 3 to 6 years to max out.  I was unsure of my HRT when I began, but I had careful therapists and physical care team members with me all the way. 

[Dearhart]

The thing is, I'm in a pretty rural area. The therapist I'm seeing is the closest one in a one hour drive radius. It's hard to find another therapist, here in arkansas. 

 

I recently found out that I was put on spironolactone for blood pressure dor a long time, but not sure it it was at hrt levels of dosage. 

 

With my previous therapist, before seeing the one i have now for gender issues, he and i had my PCP do a hormone level check ti see if my depression was related to low levels of testosterone.  That's when my meds were changed and put on testosterone injections.m to bring me back to normal. 

 

All I've noticed that's changed is that i no longer have a normal falsetto and my 7-day shadow has turned into a 12hr shadow (but bot once did it ever fill in, so nuts to that...).

 

I haven't filled my testosterone prescription for over two months, now. And that's trying to play into my uncertainty.  Like, what if i did irreversible "damage" in the 2.5 years i was on T-injections and shot myself in the foot?

1 hour ago, Suzanne1 said:

 

 

Well, certainly use of androgen-blockers in MtF's has been used for diagnostic purposes for a long time now (at least since the mid-late 1990's).  I understand it was quite useful as a ruling-out/differential-diagnosis thing to distinguish between those of suffered GID/Gender-Dysphoria and cross-dressers.  The rough assumption was that individuals who were transvestites would not wish to continue w/ transition after testosterone levels had taken a nose-dive.  [In retrospect, I wonder if said assumption was valid though.  Androgen-blockers and contra-gender hormone therapy together can take a long, long time to render an individual impotent.]

 

I wouldn't hazard speculation re: the appropriateness of using testosterone as a diagnostic tool for an FtM.  FtM hormone therapy is an entirely different beast----so much so that I'd say get a medical opinion from a trusted physician, and if not convinced by what said physician presented one might consider a second opinion.

 

Best wishes to the OP.

 

[Jani]

Dearhart, I see you are AMAB individual so taking "T'" for 2.5 years in addition to your normal production may have accelerated or increased the changes normally seen my males from testosterone.  At your age I wouldn't have expected to see vocal changes but I am not a medical professional so speaking with your doctor would be my recommendation. 

 

2 hours ago, Dearhart said:

i meet with an endocrinologist for the first time regarding FtM HRTr.

I think this line from your initial post was confusing leading some to think you are Female to Male.  

 

As to your doubts, whether it be from difficulty in finding a GF or how you feel, you really should speak with a therapist.  Talking is a good way to help wrap your mind around these issues.  If you find this therapist isn't working for you, tele-meetings are quite common in this field so you might find another that is outside your state.  I don't know how you are paying for the sessions (self pay or insurance) but you might want to check your insurance for the ability to see a therapist outside the coverage area.  

[Dearhart]

Yes, i hate how my android keyboard thinks it knows more about what i want to type than i do. It feels like a crapshoot sometimes. 

 

But thank you. I'll call my insurance tomorrow for second opinion options.