Hope was foreign...and a “4-letter word” until...

[Wichita]

Hi!

 

Okay, so this might get a bit long, I used to be a writer, after all.  I’ll try and be brief.  (Good luck on that one!)

 

I was not born female, physically speaking.  (Hope I chose the right identifier one my profile...I’m old, and yet very new.)

 

Anyway, I had what I thought was a fairly normal childhood.  I mean there were a couple of...incidents best left out for brevity and possible trigger-type situations... plus they’re kinda personal.  I’m open about them, just maybe not open to broadcasting them on a first post or even an open forum for that matter.

 

Okay, I’m rambling, sorry!
 

Anyway...growing up I had thoughts and feelings that I didn’t understand.  I just chalked them up to growing up surrounded by women.  (I lived with my mother and sister.  My parents divorced when I was 5 and I saw my father every other weekend.)

 

So, what I’m sure is no surprise, I was ashamed of these feelings I was having and I hid them.

 

Then I joined the Air Force in 1996.  Not a lot of time for thoughts and feelings when you’re getting yelled at every day.

 

But the feelings didn’t go away.  They grew.  In fact they grew in an environment where I wasn’t living with all female family members.

 

”What the hell?  Am I some kind of freak?  They’ll kick me out if they find out!”

 

My feelings grew to a fever pitch somewhere around my second duty station.  I began acquiring quite a respectable wardrobe (mostly sleeping attire at first, since going out was a bonafide impossibility).  At my third duty station, I began chatting online using female screen names.  I enjoyed how freeing it was. That’s really the only way I can describe it.  I was... me.
 

In one online conversation, I was trying to explain myself to the other girl and for whatever reason saw fit to emphasize that I hadn’t “dressed fully” with hair and makeup and such. There was no delay in the reply.
 

She simply said “You will.”
 

I should point out here that at both base #2 and base #3 I had a really good female friend to whom I “confessed” my feelings.  
 

But it was my friend, my dear sister from base #3 who’s responsible for me being here today.  There was to be a meetup for a local group I chatted online with every day.  And I wanted to go as the real me.

 

My friend...my sis... she went to the “casual meet up” with me.  I stayed in my male “costume” for that one.  I was still too scared to drop the disguise.  After the meeting, we had some shopping to do...hair, makeup, leg waxing, etc.  I pretty much already had my outfit.  I just needed the finishing touches.

 

In a “practice run” for party night, my fiend dug into her massive makeup kit and went to work.

 

That night was the first night I genuinely liked the reflection staring back at me.  I looked into the mirror and almost cried.  I asked my friend “So what should my name be?”

 

She looked me up and down and said “You look like an Alyssa.”  And that became my name for 20 years (it’s changed now, but that’s a whole other novel).
 

So after I had my name, I stepped into my 3” heels and she said to me “Okay, now here’s how you walk in high heels.” 
 

She barely got the words out before I strolled across the room *quite* effortlessly.

 

She just blinked for a moment and said something like “Damn you walk better in heels than I do.”

 

The night of the party, she came with me again.  I went “in disguise” and planned to change there.  The party went great and while chatting with the group online after that night, they all agreed they would have had no idea if I hadn’t changed at the party.

 

I separated from the Air Force in 2003, a bit abruptly (long story), and returned home.  I was set on a course to become the real me... but I chickened out.  I hate that I chickened out, but I did.  I continued to struggle with these feelings (in addition to growing issues resulting from my service) for another 15 years. 
 

My service-related issues eventually left me disabled.  I was hitting rock bottom and tunneling fast.  I reached a point where thoughts of, shall we say “departing,” actually brought smiles to my face, and not in a good way.

I’d given up.  I stopped taking care of myself, lived like the shut-in I’d become, and even began taking dramatically less pleasure in the one thing I’ve loved all my life — video games.

 

And then...

 

I began expressing these feelings again, chatting online and such.  I’d done this before, but my struggle only led to it depressing me more.  I realized, for reasons I won’t go into now, that I needed a new name.  I had one in mind, but I didn’t name myself the first time.  My friend did.  So, I felt I needed her blessing to change my name.

 

We had a conversation about two weeks ago and I told her my suggestion: Abigail... or Abby for short.

 

She (verbally) jumped at it.  She said she was thinking Amelia, but liked mine much better.  And then she said something that evoked a feeling that had been foreign to me...

 

She said “Well yeah it’s spunky/flirty/a little hardcore inside but also a lady.”  
 

I’m not sure I can describe the level of happiness I felt.  It was full-on, school-girl giddy levels of joy.  It was a Christmas morning marriage proposal with Cap wielding Mjolnir in Avengers: Endgame on TV in the background.  (Yes, I’m a gamergirl and a geek... no apologies

 

She went into say “That’s how I always viewed you/her. You’ve got good manners, and were giggly a little, but it was still YOU, wearing ladylike clothing.  You damn sure make a better ‘girl friend’ than 95% of the girl friends I’ve ever had.”

 

Over the next few days to two weeks, I’d begun looking into hormones, contemplating transitioning, etc.  This past Monday, April 27, we had another conversation.  This time, I let her know about my thoughts on transitioning.  She said she’d “support the hell out of me.”

 

This time there will be no chickening out.  The next day, I spoke to my stepmom...the only family member I still speak to.  Through tear-soaked eyes, I typed to her “Ummm how would you feel having a third daughter?”

 

I’ll try and be brief (too late).  In addition to her very supportive stance, she simply said “I can’t wait to meet Abigail.”

 

While these conversations were going on, I was watching YouTube videos from other women about their transitions.  It was Jackie Rabbitt who turned me into this site.  
 

Well, Monday and Tuesday were physically exhausting (heavy floor mopping) and emotionally exhausting.  So by Wednesday, I was beat.  I had a headache, and just felt bad in general.  I took 4 Advil, got online (late) with my friends and played games. 
 

And that’s when it happened.  By the end of the night...roughly 5 am today... a time when I should be utterly wiped out, depressed and desiring a week of sleep, I wasn’t.  I was wired.  I was smacked in the face by a new emotion... one I haven’t felt in (what decade is it again?) 

 

It was... HOPE.

 

I got up for a snack and was dancing...DANCING around my kitchen to “You Make My Dreams Come True,” by Hall & Oates.

 

Not even my multiple OCD hand washings could make a dent in my mood.  My foot was still tapping to the song as I was trying to sleep.

 

I went to sleep with... and woke up with a smile on my face.

 

I just sent a message to the mental health department of my local V.A. inquiring about transition therapy.  And now here I am...

 

Hello, my name is Abigail.  And I’ve just begun the long process of becoming the real me.

[Jackie C.]

Salutations @Wichita!

 

Welcome to the site. We're happy to have you. Your story is both well-written and not so uncommon here. A lot of MtF's like yourself have military backgrounds. Also, you're far from the oldest person here to begin their transition. I started in my late forties. There are some here who started much later.

 

I hope we can help you in your transition by providing information and advice. My first bit of advice is to have a look around and see what you can learn. My second bit of advice is to ask questions or start a conversation. Someone is sure to have the answers you're looking for or at least be able to tell you where to start looking.

 

Again, welcome. I hope you enjoy your stay!

 

Hugs!

[Wichita]

Thanks, Jackie!  I’m genuinely happy to be here.
 

One skill I still have down pat from my military days is the “look/listen/learn” skill.  I’m well-versed I’m shutting my yap when I don’t know something.  

 

I’m sure I’ll have tons of questions. 

[KathyLauren]

Welcome, Abigail!

 

Another ex-air force girl here (RCAF).  I started my transition at 62, so I probably have a few years on you. 

 

I hope you hear back soon from the V.A. and get your transition on the road.  Lots of us have been where you are, so feel free to ask any questions.  Someone will have an answer for you.

 

Regards,

Kathy

[Wichita]

Hi Kathy,

I got a non-answer answer already. I haven't been seen by their department in 4 years, so they’ve referred me for a referral (don’t you just love bureaucracy?) 

 

Oh well, a minor bureaucratic stumble won’t break my stride.

 

I’ll quote The Flash from DC’s big “Blackest Night” crossover event...

[KathyLauren]

Hey, at least you heard from them.  That's progress.

[Wichita]

True.  And it was faster than I thought, even for a non-answer.

[TommieAnne]

Hello and welcome Abigail!

I'm also a veteran, receiving transition care from the VA, as are several other members of the forum here.

Your local VA health care facility should have an LGBT coordinator that you can contact directly (and discretely) to get assistance in your process, including meeting with a gender therapist. The VA is excellent in this area. The drawback being they tend to be slowish, like all things government.

Glad you found us!

TA

[Wichita]

Really?  Thanks, TammyAnne!  I contacted the generic mental health folks who u was seeing about my OCD and depression.  I was totally unaware they had a specific person for such things.

 

Has the V.A. yet changed its stance on covering surgery? The latest information I was able to locate said they were considering it, but it wasn’t a done deal yet.

[Susan R]

8 hours ago, Wichita said:

... and woke up with a smile on my face.

Welcome Abigail. It’s a pleasure to meet you.  Wow, what a wonderfully happy ending. Long? Maybe...but so worth the reading time. The quote above from your story reminds me of nearly every morning since my transition. I think you have clearly found your path. I have never looked back and I wake up looking forward to each new day as a gift....despite the current lockdown.

Your girlfriend has been a godsend to you. Everyone needs someone like that in their life. It’s amazing she was in the right place at the right time in your life.

 

8 hours ago, Wichita said:

This time there will be no chickening out.  The next day, I spoke to my stepmom...

 

In addition to her very supportive stance, she simply said “I can’t wait to meet Abigail.”

Now it doesn’t get much better than that! Her response is so affirming. Your stepmom had absolutely no judgement or disappointment in her reaction. I bet she’ll turn out to be a great ally and support during your transition too.

 

I enjoyed your introduction very much. Do keep us updated as to your progress if you can. Reading it is so inspiring to me and I’m sure many others here will also. Your perseverance through troubled times has led you to where you need to be.  Best of luck on your continuing journey.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R?

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Wichita,

Welcome to Transpulse. I'm glad you're here!

 

Lots of love,

Timber Wolf ?

[TommieAnne]

7 hours ago, Wichita said:

Really?  Thanks, TammyAnne!  I contacted the generic mental health folks who u was seeing about my OCD and depression.  I was totally unaware they had a specific person for such things.

 

Has the V.A. yet changed its stance on covering surgery? The latest information I was able to locate said they were considering it, but it wasn’t a done deal yet.

No change on surgery policy as yet.

But they will cover treatment for dysphoria, in almost all its forms. So far surgery or hair removal are not covered, although there are circumstances in which an Orchidectomy could be covered.

So I'm still in private process for laser hair removal of all this body fur.

Once you start meeting with a gender therapist they will help smooth your path forward. As my therapist put it, anyone who treats you disrespectfully or purposely misgenders you will have a very bad day with their senior rater.

You get in there, dear. You earned it!

TA

[Kelsey Brooke]

Hi, Abigail! Nice to meet you. I too am at the start of the long road to happiness. Can't wait to hear more from you.

[Wichita]

11 hours ago, Timber Wolf said:

Hi Wichita,

Welcome to Transpulse. I'm glad you're here!

 

Lots of love,

Timber Wolf ?

Thank you! 

[Wichita]

13 hours ago, Susan R said:

Welcome Abigail. It’s a pleasure to meet you.  Wow, what a wonderfully happy ending. Long? Maybe...but so worth the reading time. The quote above from your story reminds me of nearly every morning since my transition. I think you have clearly found your path. I have never looked back and I wake up looking forward to each new day as a gift....despite the current lockdown.

Your girlfriend has been a godsend to you. Everyone needs someone like that in their life. It’s amazing she was in the right place at the right time in your life.

 

Now it doesn’t get much better than that! Her response is so affirming. Your stepmom had absolutely no judgement or disappointment in her reaction. I bet she’ll turn out to be a great ally and support during your transition too.

 

I enjoyed your introduction very much. Do keep us updated as to your progress if you can. Reading it is so inspiring to me and I’m sure many others here will also. Your perseverance through troubled times has led you to where you need to be.  Best of luck on your continuing journey.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R?

Thank you, Susan.  Your post made me smile this morning (afternoon...I slept late).  
 

I did have a bit of a “crash” last night.  It was physical, though, not emotional as I’d been fearing.  When you ride an emotional high for that long and you’ve got depression, fear of an emotional crash creeps in pretty easily.  Fortunately, and as continued affirming of the situation, the “crash” was only physical.  I was just utterly exhausted last night and my tummy was, shall we say, displeased with me when it woke me up at 4:30 am.  But really... that’s not at all unexpected since I had a couple of stomach-knot-inducing conversations (and have a few more to go).  
 

I’m so glad my intro was inspiring.  The YouTubers I watched have already been inspiring to me and, well, I like to inspire when I’m inspired.  It’s like when the former Marine I used to work with badgered new incessantly for weeks until I filed for disability with the V.A. (I went 10 years after leaving the service completely unaware I was even eligible.)  He simply wouldn’t let it go.  When I received my award, I looked at him and was like “Who sent you to me?”  Though I am pretty sure I already knew.  I’ve never been accused of being overly religious, but that incident and a couple yesterday morning have no other explanation I can discern.  
 

Anyway, he badgered me until I filed, and is responsible for basically saving my life. After that, when I ran across another vet who was just out and hadn’t been to or spoken to the V.A., I badgered them just as he did me.  And I can be quite persistent.
 

I know I’m still a babe in the woods in this journey, but if someone can take inspiration from me? That’s just awesome!

 

On an unrelated note, is there a message edit feature here? I missed a couple of my typos and it’s driving me nuts.

[Wichita]

7 hours ago, TammyAnne said:

No change on surgery policy as yet.

But they will cover treatment for dysphoria, in almost all its forms. So far surgery or hair removal are not covered, although there are circumstances in which an Orchidectomy could be covered.

So I'm still in private process for laser hair removal of all this body fur.

Once you start meeting with a gender therapist they will help smooth your path forward. As my therapist put it, anyone who treats you disrespectfully or purposely misgenders you will have a very bad day with their senior rater.

You get in there, dear. You earned it!

TA

That’s what I thought.  Oh well, I know I have years to go yet.  
 

I’m not overly concerned over being misgendered.  I’m just not going to engage with any negativity.  
 

Plus my friends, with whom I regularly game online, all call me by my gamer screen name anyway...even offline. It’s just how they know me.  Admittedly, I’m thinking of changing it, but they can keep calling me by my old one if they want. (It’s kinda unisex anyway.).  I had a work friend join us for some games awhile back and he changed screen name regularly.  We all just kept calling him an altered version of his original one (kinda the only way we could keep track, considering how often he changed).

[Wichita]

4 hours ago, Kelsey Brooke said:

Hi, Abigail! Nice to meet you. I too am at the start of the long road to happiness. Can't wait to hear more from you.

Thanks!  Be careful what you wish for.  You may get it.  I’ve never been accused of being a flibbertigibbet, but with a keyboard at the ready, I can be quite chatty.  

[KathyLauren]

51 minutes ago, Wichita said:

On an unrelated note, is there a message edit feature here? I missed a couple of my typos and it’s driving me nuts.

 

I don't believe so.  I have made a few posts that I wished I could change.  You just have to make another post, or, if it's just a typo, let it go.

[VickySGV]

1 hour ago, Wichita said:

On an unrelated note, is there a message edit feature here? I missed a couple of my typos and it’s driving me nut

 

Let one of us on the Moderator and Admin staff know what you would like changed and we can and will do it for you.  PM us directly and as soon as we come on line we will help you.   I will read what you have written on this one and see what I can do.

[Wichita]

49 minutes ago, KathyLauren said:

 

I don't believe so.  I have made a few posts that I wished I could change.  You just have to make another post, or, if it's just a typo, let it go.

That’ll be tough!  Severe OCD combined with a former career in journalism means it’s going to irk me for awhile.

 

Oh well...might be a good time to finally get around to watching Frozen. 
 

 

[VickySGV]

@Wichita/ Abigail I just looked at your first posts and corrected a couple of the things I saw to make better sense.  I hope I got the ones you were getting the worst headaches out of.  If I am going to make a long post here, I use my word processor to be sure it is clean, even though as an Admin I can do editing on this puppy. 

[Wichita]

36 minutes ago, VickySGV said:

@Wichita/ Abigail I just looked at your first posts and corrected a couple of the things I saw to make better sense.  I hope I got the ones you were getting the worst headaches out of.  If I am going to make a long post here, I use my word processor to be sure it is clean, even though as an Admin I can do editing on this puppy. 

Thank you!

[Wichita]

53 minutes ago, Suzanne1 said:

Well, I would never admit to any MH problem, although I'm sure my ts-status would almost always get such problems attributed to me.

 

I can relate to being irked as relates to typos & related errors in sentence construction though.  It seems that the older I get, the worse I become with typos/proof-reading/editing, so much so that seldom a day goes by w/o my swearing I'll never make another post. ?

 

Interesting screen name; quite distinctive.  Best wishes.

 

 

 

In my case, it’s less an admission than an actual diagnosis.  It’s the primary reason the V.A. considers me “permanently disabled.”

As for my name...it’s taken from “Zombieland.”  It’s the name of Emma Stone’s character... a no-nonsense, badass zombie killer.