Integration Strategy?

[Guest Jeannine Bean]

You know, I cruise with a really positive and bright attitude, but it's been getting stomped again and again. Lately I'm in a pattern where I work really hard to feel good and happy, and I then gradually feel beaten down until I hate the world... then I teach my students (something I love) and spend a lot of time alone and build myself back up only to repeat the process. I know what it is to walk around like I belong in a place, feeling comfortable and calm and smiling.. I can be friendly and confident. but people simply do not respond to me in kind.

When I walk into shops to buy a pair of pants to go to work, I get anything from laughed at to kicked out. I have to go by a fake name and actually fulfill a very specific disciplinarian role as a teacher in my country of residence... I get to put up with people being creeped out by me even though I'm a kind and considerate person because I fall so far outside the box of what most people can understand and relate to. I sometimes have question if I'm safe (though this country isn't too bad in terms of violence). Basically people consider it optional whether or not they'll give me the dignity and respect and even basic courtesy that they'd give any other woman... sometimes it transcends gender and people aren't even treating me like they'd treat any other human.

So this puts me at odds with "society"... lately, after repeatedly feeling smacked around, I find myself taking the attitude in some places like "alright, they'll either physically remove me or I will continue to not understand anything they say". . . and in dealing with people, just refusing to acknowledge their existence if they don't call me by my correct name or use correct pronouns... and if anyone tries to start anything about restrooms, standing there and doing what I can to make them feel less comfortable... likewise when I hang around people and they make any comments about being creepy...

Other side is I sometimes try very hard to help people feel comfortable. I try to educate them, and if my friends will be weirded out hanging around me in a skirt, then I try to tone everything in a way as to help them feel okay... Let them call me "J" and never use any pronouns at all.. And lovers, same thing... I can defer a lot to what they feel alright about.. though I'm not doing that as much with my current girlfriend. If I do much of this, I just feel like my basic sense of self and identity is locked completely inside and I feel all alone, even among people that I like to hang around with. That's how I've lived most of my life on this planet and it takes a really hard toll on me, just quietly hurting inside.

Basically because I don't fit in, in a big way, I find myself having to fight for even the tiniest space sometimes... and I fear that I'm going to be one of those uber militant "gender transgressives" for the rest of my life... just as a defense mechanism to get by. I see how people get pretty harsh attitudes sometimes in the midst of all this.

Anybody have integration strategies for those of us who don't pass and can't afford to live in San Fran. yet?

Is there a third option outside the spectrum between invisible and "screw you if you can't deal with it" ?

--Jeannine

[Guest Evan_J]

I have no idea "how to" but I wanted you to know I read your post and support you.

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Dear Jeannine,

Hon, coming out for most means a steady, but slow process. What I mean is this... don't whack everyone about the head and shoulders demanding that they accept you now, right now as who you are!! Ease everyone that is in your life to slowly get used to who you are. Slow and steady wins the day!! You have control over your coming out. Don't let coming out control you!! Just gradually be more and more feminine towards everyone. It works hon, I know!!! Remember, you are transitioning, allow those around you to transition too.

LOL

bernii

[Guest Jeannine Bean]

Dear Jeannine,

Hon, coming out for most means a steady, but slow process. What I mean is this... don't whack everyone about the head and shoulders demanding that they accept you now, right now as who you are!! Ease everyone that is in your life to slowly get used to who you are. Slow and steady wins the day!! You have control over your coming out. Don't let coming out control you!! Just gradually be more and more feminine towards everyone. It works hon, I know!!! Remember, you are transitioning, allow those around you to transition too.

LOL

bernii

I've lived through parts of this before, but ended up running out of cash. Your model applies in some way... but there's also the reality that some of us will always fall outside the norm, and be spotted from a mile away as being such. And that means we are basically at other's discretion as to whether they want to treat us like humans or not. And that becomes the place where I start feeling mean towards people.

My family can transition. My dad and sister started treating me like a girl many years ago. Some of my friends too. You might say that I hit the "pause" button in the midst of all this, LOL...

Yet I can't expect a community to transition around me, or a city's norms... or a nation. I came from Atlanta where I was probably more accepted, and I used to work at the university en femme, quite often... it was state run so no one could really fire me, and most of my coworkers genuinely liked me... out and about, gays and lesbians would be pretty mean, REALLY mean sometimes. Regular people would treat me pretty badly on occasion... and some people were nice.

Anyways, I basically am looking for a method of living a balanced and integrated life in a world where I'll always be labelled a freak, sometimes treated very badly, and almost always be treated strangely. I realistically expect these things. I don't think they'll ever go away and I don't intend to delude myself that they will "someday" or "over time"...

So how to do so without putting people in the position of being forceful towards me, or without being a doormat? Is there a third option or does everyone either pass or just keep trying to find a balance between those two things?

--Jeannine