Idk

[Jenni]

My family has shamed me for who I feel I am my whole life. I don't feel that I can ever can come out to them. I have a plan to move to another state and begin a new life. I don't feel comfortable with this but it may be what I need to do. Can anyone help?

[Erikka]

Hei Jenni, 

Let me ask a couple of questions to give some clarity to your situation. Are you financially able to move? What state are you looking to relocate?

There are a few states that have safe guards for Trans people and in other states there are areas of safety. But it is still a scary world out there especially for trans women. What is your support system or do you even have one?

My parents have passed but I am still  met with hostility from my siblings. They openly misgender me and refuse to use my new name. Friends you choose....family is not a choice...at birth, but something you can change as you get older and independent. 
I wish you the best. It is hard, but so much better.

[Susan R]

32 minutes ago, Jenni said:

My family has shamed me for who I feel I am my whole life. I don't feel that I can ever can come out to them. I have a plan to move to another state and begin a new life. I don't feel comfortable with this but it may be what I need to do. Can anyone help?

Hi Jenni! First, I want to welcome you to our Forum. It’s very nice to meet you. I am so sorry to hear you have been shamed for being yourself. Many families, even mine, had no empathy or understanding of what we have suffered throughout our lives. Many may never get and that’s what difficult. My nosey mother shamed me at 17 by tossing all my ladies clothing around my bedroom for everyone to see and left the door open. I nearly died after coming home from school. In some ways, I’m glad I never had to come out to her although later in life I think she might have been able to at least tolerate it to some degree.

I can say if my parents were alive today, I would try to get them to a long ‘back to back’ therapy session with me. With the help of a counselor, inform and teach them about all things transgender. I’d try to get them to see it’s not a spiritual issue, a dietary issue, a learned behavior, aggression or rebellion against ‘the man‘, society, or your family....it’s just who we are inside!

Short of going to a group therapy session, I’d gather up all the materials backing up what you what to tell them, a very well written ‘coming out’ letter and sit down with them in a quiet accompanying setting and start from the very beginning. I know that distance plays against you if family is far but if it’s important to you (and after this covid stuff) maybe you could tie it in with a visit.

Eventually, you’ll have to bite the bullet and just do this for yourself. This is your life your talking about. You want to live it as you were designed to live it. Yes, it’s difficult and probably not as you had pictured it but we work with what we have.

If you plan on moving to a new state and starting a new life then you might consider timing it so that you can do it in person before you leave. it’s better in person, IMHO.

 

Anyways, thank you for reaching out. The members here are very helpful and I’m sure others here will share insights and advice that may also help you with your specific needs.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R?

[Emily michelle]

Hi Jenni, 

I’m very sorry you feel that way about your family. You have to do what is best for you it is not worth being miserable for the rest of your life. Have you been seeing a therapist about this? If not I would recommend seeing one. I can understand not being comfortable about moving away that’s a big decision to I make, but maybe a fresh start is what you need. Ultimately it is up to you and it is not up to your family. I know this is a lot easier said than done. 

[Jenni]

On 5/12/2020 at 2:48 PM, Susan R said:

Hi Jenni! First, I want to welcome you to our Forum. It’s very nice to meet you. I am so sorry to hear you have been shamed for being yourself. Many families, even mine, had no empathy or understanding of what we have suffered throughout our lives. Many may never get and that’s what difficult. My nosey mother shamed me at 17 by tossing all my ladies clothing around my bedroom for everyone to see and left the door open. I nearly died after coming home from school. In some ways, I’m glad I never had to come out to her although later in life I think she might have been able to at least tolerate it to some degree.

I can say if my parents were alive today, I would try to get them to a long ‘back to back’ therapy session with me. With the help of a counselor, inform and teach them about all things transgender. I’d try to get them to see it’s not a spiritual issue, a dietary issue, a learned behavior, aggression or rebellion against ‘the man‘, society, or your family....it’s just who we are inside!

Short of going to a group therapy session, I’d gather up all the materials backing up what you what to tell them, a very well written ‘coming out’ letter and sit down with them in a quiet accompanying setting and start from the very beginning. I know that distance plays against you if family is far but if it’s important to you (and after this covid stuff) maybe you could tie it in with a visit.

Eventually, you’ll have to bite the bullet and just do this for yourself. This is your life your talking about. You want to live it as you were designed to live it. Yes, it’s difficult and probably not as you had pictured it but we work with what we have.

If you plan on moving to a new state and starting a new life then you might consider timing it so that you can do it in person before you leave. it’s better in person, IMHO.

 

Anyways, thank you for reaching out. The members here are very helpful and I’m sure others here will share insights and advice that may also help you with your specific needs.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R?

Thanks for the advice 

I am starting to realize, that I need to start living for my happiness. I have made some decisions on what I am. I am going to come out to my parents soon. I am going to get a trans friendly therapist, one that I can feel comfortable with asking the questions that I need to ask. 

Thanks and much love ❤️

[Jenni]

21 hours ago, Emily michelle said:

Hi Jenni, 

I’m very sorry you feel that way about your family. You have to do what is best for you it is not worth being miserable for the rest of your life. Have you been seeing a therapist about this? If not I would recommend seeing one. I can understand not being comfortable about moving away that’s a big decision to I make, but maybe a fresh start is what you need. Ultimately it is up to you and it is not up to your family. I know this is a lot easier said than done. 

I have came to this site to find people to help me to become more comfortable talking about this. I am going to get a therapist that can help me out. 

Thank you and much love ❤️

[Jenni]

On 5/12/2020 at 2:46 PM, Erikka said:

Hei Jenni, 

Let me ask a couple of questions to give some clarity to your situation. Are you financially able to move? What state are you looking to relocate?

There are a few states that have safe guards for Trans people and in other states there are areas of safety. But it is still a scary world out there especially for trans women. What is your support system or do you even have one?

My parents have passed but I am still  met with hostility from my siblings. They openly misgender me and refuse to use my new name. Friends you choose....family is not a choice...at birth, but something you can change as you get older and independent. 
I wish you the best. It is hard, but so much better.

I'm not able to right now to relocate. I am realizing now that in time I will. First, I need to consider my family and come out to them. I was going to move to a trans friendly state. I am here because I am in need of a support group and people to talk to about this. 

Much love and thanks ❤️

[SL]

Hi Jenni,

 

I am in a very similar situation. Luckily my dad and sister are supportive, but my mom is another story. She has always been emotionally abusive (even to her siblings growing up) so it is an unhealthy situation to begin with, but it's been worse since coming out. When I was 18 I told my mom I didn't consider myself Christian and she didn't even acknowledge me for three days straight so I knew it would be difficult to come out to her. Most of the abuse when I was little was related to me not wanting to wear girl clothes or do "girly" things. She says she is accepting now, but her words and behavior towards me tell a different story. I am also trying to move across the country in the next year as I graduate undergrad next May. Luckily I can use my career path as an excuse to get away without seeming like I'm trying to burn bridges since my sister and dad don't approve of me trying to cut my mom off. She has made me hate myself since I was 4 or 5 years old so I don't think I'll ever really feel comfortable being fully myself around her so I have to at least put distance between her and myself.

 

My suggestion is to do something similar if you truly don't feel you can be yourself there. Find an area where you would feel safe living and try to make a plan that would work there whether it's finding a college you really like or an area with a recreation you enjoy and could do more easily/frequently there. Many colleges have scholarships for LGBT people and you can always get a job on campus or a local Starbucks to help pay for school. Sometimes it takes time and serious conversations for family to come around so I think distance is a good away for you to get the separation you need to grow and your family to have the chance to evaluate their actions towards you.

 

I am also a big supporter of the letter idea mentioned above. I would try explaining what it's like to be you and how their actions affect you so they can better understand your viewpoint and how to properly help you. You may want to talk to your therapist about this and maybe get their help with it. Open communication is the best way to work through issues. I know it's difficult especially with people who don't like to actually listen so be patient and try not to give up hope. If your family is like my mom where they immediately start coming up with a response before you even finish what you're saying causing them to miss what you're actually saying a letter is definitely the best way to do it so they can go back and reread what they missed while they were in their head. Trying to get them to find groups of parents of LGBT could also help.

 

I hope things get better for you and if you ever need someone to talk to feel free to message.