Questioning and lost..

[KathrynnCox]

Hooray! Today was the day the wife cornered me about what I was discussing in therapy. She’s pissed that I don’t have a solid answer. She wants a clear yes or no if I’m going to change. She doesn’t want to “waste” another ten years of her life. FML there goes my happy day. 

[Emily michelle]

I’m sorry she said that to you. That is very hard to hear.

[Jackie C.]

That's a very hurtful thing to say. I'm going to give her the benefit of the doubt though and remind you that this is all new and scary to her. Some people need to experience the grieving process for the person that they think they're losing. 

 

Try to keep the channels of communication open and talk to her when she's in a more receptive state of mind. Also remind yourself that more than half of marriages survive this. There's a good chance that you'll come out the other side stronger and more in love than ever before. 

 

Hugs!

[KathrynnCox]

Right now I’ve got this wild fantasy that we will have a talk and she will settle on limited cross dressing. But I’m terrified she’s gonna flip. 

[michelle_kitten]

3 hours ago, KathrynnCox said:

Hooray! Today was the day the wife cornered me about what I was discussing in therapy. She’s pissed that I don’t have a solid answer. She wants a clear yes or no if I’m going to change. She doesn’t want to “waste” another ten years of her life. FML there goes my happy day. 

 

So, i am totally sorry there was that confrontation.  it seems totally like she'd want you to take your time to figure things out, so you feel confident in whatever decisions you make.  idk.  

[Mx.Drago]

I highly suggest taking your best photo of yourself as you see yourself. Like picture day, except more comfortable. Photographs help us see ourselves for a moment frozen in a frame. I hate photographs of myself, I see too much, but am growing to understand the importance.

When you see the photo, ask yourself, what you see and how important it would be for you personally to continue.

It's unfortunate she feels that way, hopefully after she simmers, things can slowly be reinforced and reassured. Times be stressful, best to do what you can. Might be a few bad days. But you at least have two kids, that are important and will still be needing you. But we take what steps we can for at least general comfort and happiness.

?If it's a really good picture, you can make a whole playing card set for your wife, have wild poker nights betting with each a $1 roll of pennies, winners keep the pennies. Kids can join later, when they bring their own roll of pennies. Best for dessert nights.

[KayC]

14 hours ago, KathrynnCox said:

there goes my happy day. 

Sorry, Katie to hear the post-therapy talk with your wife didn't go well.  I know you are still early in the process so give your wife and yourself some time and space.  Don't give  up❣️

hugs

[KathrynnCox]

29 minutes ago, KayC said:

Sorry, Katie to hear the post-therapy talk with your wife didn't go well.  I know you are still early in the process so give your wife and yourself some time and space.  Don't give  up❣️

hugs

 

Today is not going well. Had some very vivid, very disturbing dreams that I have to unpack. Today will not be fun.  

[KayC]

Katie, are you able to call or conference with your therapist today/soon?.  That was a pretty big blow that came from your wife.  Sometimes hard to deal with these things on our own.

[KathrynnCox]

@KayC, I just emailed her asking about dreams. But it’s the weekend so I highly doubt she will be in. I’m gonna mull it over for the next few days I think. 
 

I’m awake, Katie is still here, but man I need a girlfriend to chat with and discuss things with lol. My guy friends are accepting but it’s still so weird to discuss this stuff with them....

[KayC]

You can PM me this weekend if you want to talk off the public forum.  We're in way different times zones so I'm off to bed soon.  But happy to listen if you need to "unpack".  Try to find a way to relax today, Katie  ... dreams are weird things and hopefully some quiet time will help them fade away.

[KathrynnCox]

30 minutes ago, KayC said:

You can PM me this weekend if you want to talk off the public forum.  We're in way different times zones so I'm off to bed soon.  But happy to listen if you need to "unpack".  Try to find a way to relax today, Katie  ... dreams are weird things and hopefully some quiet time will help them fade away.

Sending you a PM honey. Just respond when you can, no rush, thank you SO much....

 

I’m making the wife her morning Mokka Pot coffee before getting the kids dressed and taking them into the back yard for the day to tire them out. Here’s hoping I get time to lounge in the new hammock. 

[TommieAnne]

2 hours ago, KathrynnCox said:

 

Today is not going well. Had some very vivid, very disturbing dreams that I have to unpack. Today will not be fun.  

Oh dear. I've had some of those, had them very intensely and regularly starting 4 or 5 years ago until I came to terms with myself a little over a year ago. While I could not easily unpack or sort out the meaning of my dreams early on, one morning I awoke with a clearer picture of "that's me!"

It was a turning point.

I hope you can get to that place with less pain and anguish than i had.

TA

 

[KathrynnCox]

Just an update, past few days have been bad. No focus on me time, super busy, lost of little stuff going wrong (locked keys and work laptop in the car yesterday). I’ve been short tempered with the kids and wife and I don’t like it. Trying to take some time for self care today. 
 

I’ve also been extremely tempted to talk to the wife after the kids go to bed but I really can’t handle a fight right now. 
 

-Katie

[michelle_kitten]

@KathrynnCox  Sorry to hear that you've had some bad days.  

[KathrynnCox]

@michelle_kitten Thank you for the kind words. The dichotomy is getting too bad recently. I’m probably going to have “the talk” with my wife tonight. 

[Erikka]

So sorry Kathrynn

the few years before my ex and I split up I was in counseling and after every session I would get grilled about what was discussed in therapy.  It always felt like I couldn’t open up to even my counselor?  Now I wish that I had told my ex what was going thro my head and it wasn’t all about my service traumas. I wish that I hadn’t been so afraid of her that I couldn’t tell her about Erikka. 
I know that it is hard and having children depend on you makes it overwhelmingly difficult. No matter what, communication is key.

Good luck.

[JanePlain]

9 hours ago, KathrynnCox said:

@michelle_kitten Thank you for the kind words. The dichotomy is getting too bad recently. I’m probably going to have “the talk” with my wife tonight. 

I wish you both the best.  I wish I had something of value to contribute but all I have are some things I've watched about couples that were able to survive transition.  It is possible and some are even having a closer relationship.  A couple things that seemed to be similar were that some wives threw themselves into helping with transition.  Quite a few were concerned that they would have people assume they were lesbians others were making assumptions that they were being ditched for men (sigh) but one thing that I think was positive was both of them together working out some of the issues like telling friends, relatives, kids and so forth. One couple seemed to have the most trouble finding what to call the former dad after transition. The transitioning person's wife wanted exclusive rights to all the "mom" type words. Then she realized just how hurtful it would be to be outted everytime the kids called her "dad"  Anyway best of luck! Hold on to her tight and tell her how hard its been to keep it buried. If she questions the need? Maybe remind her what it involves (not a lot of fun) and that your need is strong enough for you to tear up your male privlage card. Oh!  One thing to bring up might be that this "used" to be classified as a mental illness.  Now its been upgraded to a medical issue.  If she understands your rational, this problem is medical and not some sort of fetish I think that will help.  Anyway GOOD LUCK!!!

[Jackie C.]

15 hours ago, KathrynnCox said:

I’m probably going to have “the talk” with my wife tonight. 

 

Best of luck Kathrynn! I read somewhere that 55% of marriages survive one of the partner transitioning. Not the greatest of odds, but it can work if you both want it to! My wife and I are proof of that.

 

Bug hugs sweetie! Fingers crossed!

[Tori M]

3 hours ago, Jackie C. said:

 

Best of luck Kathrynn! I read somewhere that 55% of marriages survive one of the partner transitioning. Not the greatest of odds, but it can work if you both want it to! My wife and I are proof of that.

 

Bug hugs sweetie! Fingers crossed!

 

It must work well for you, Jackie, you always sound so happy!

 

Uhmmm... what's a "bug hug"?  {giggle}  Do I want one?  ?

[michelle_kitten]

29 minutes ago, Tori M said:

Uhmmm... what's a "bug hug"?  {giggle}  Do I want one? 

 

Just a squishy cuddly hug.  Yes, you want one.  <<bug hug>>

 

[Tori M]

So @Jackie C. has invented the bug hug.  Dangit, she has all the fun!  ?

[JanePlain]

I'm just thinking out loud because this topic is something some friends have or are dealing with.  I wonder what her wife is most concerned about?  Knowing with certainty what the plan is? Or would it be a yes/no for which she has made up her mind to do something? 

 

From what I read and a few youtubes there are some things that seem to happen a lot.  Some of the wives are upset that others will think they are lesbians and the wife is embarrassed or phobic?  About that.  One youtube video had 3 women whose marriages survived that had 3 different solutions.  One said that she was having questions about herself and that her husbands transition perfectly timed with her coming out as a lesbian. Then she said the appeal of her husband was his feminine qualities "worked" but transition didn't leave her with that bagage.  Another wife said that she is hetrosexual but hernames-sexual as well. The last one admitted it was a problem but she concluded after giving it a try that she was Bisexual.  I'm not sure why I'm bringing that up but I suppose this causes the wife of someone in transition to have to make some serious decisions about a coming out of their own.  Hummm and maybe thats the real issue.  Ego maybe?  Or shame?  Homophobic possibly?  Or just concerned about homophobic people who were family or friends.  Anyway the video was very positive.

 

One thing that wasn't across the board was the question of the person in transition being different from before and after transition.  One was very sure that it was the same person except now she was a beautiful woman. Another said that pretransition was filled with depression and that post was 100 times better and a lot easier to live with.  The part that was a little bit surprising (Which shouldn't have been) was they showed them all having two weddings and on the second ones I had difficulty figuring out who was who.  And the wives doing this video were very lovely.