The Pain Of Coming Home

[Guest Gloria13]

The pain is white hot and burning fiercely, it's almost unbearable, but after the last 13 months you could bear almost anything until now.

You have prayed and you've begged God, "please just get me out of this place", and he did answer your prayer, only now you have to wonder did you reallt want what you prayed for.

Sure, you are home, but what's wrong? Your friends are cold, they treat you like you have just done a 10 year stretch in prison. Some of your family pull away( my younger sister), but of course not your Mom and Dad, but sometimes the looks you catch out of the corner of your eye. You know the kind of look a mother has when she is determined to love her son no matter what.

Dad, well he's a different story, you can see he wants to come up and give you a hug, but well it's ackward, you're a grown man now and he doesn't know how you will react. He doesn't know you would give anything in the world if he would do just that, and you hold back because you are afraid he will think you're less of a man for not bearing up.

Your Sister won't speak to you, actually many brothers had wished for just that to happenat times, but now you wish for just the opposite. Now she feels you are a black mark on the family name. Her friends have convinced her that you have committed the worst possible of crimes. Baby killer, murderer ( all gleened from the evening new of course.

YOU! How do you feel? you want to tell someone, anyone about the terrible, terrible things you have seen and lived over and over again over the past 13 months. You want to tell someone how you felt when you held your best friend for 45 minutes while he bled to death, how he called for his mother, how he begged for you to help. You want to tell someone how you were sent into combat as a Navy Corpsman with a little knowledge and a few bandages, sent to save the world. And you were to nieve to see the truth.

You want to tell people how it felt to be making decisions of who will live and who will die because you can't treat them both. Hell man, youare only 19 years old going on a thousand! The only decision you should be making is what pub you want to go to for a beer, or do you want to go to the local sock hop tonight.

Well I have lived with this pain for the last 20 years and finally there is a person ready to listen, an ear ready to try and understand, no promises, but at least someone ready to try. The trust does not come easy, you have been hurt trusting people before, but like a swimmer testing the waters, slowly you allow yourself to trust a little at a time. You have found a PTSD group!

When you finally do allow yourself to trust, the feeling of the white hot pain slowly fades as the salve of trusting and understanding soothes it. You know deep down down that all of that pain, anger and frustration will never go away completely, but it is at a level that can be lived with. You also know that this kind of of relief MUST be shared with all of the other people suffering with the same pain that you had.

It took twenty years but you finally know now that God really did answer your prayers afterall.

Part of this storyin a weird way paralells my transitioning to the new and true me. Gloria

[Sally]

Dear Gloria,

I don't know what to say, I could never understand the attitude that most people had to returning vets from any war - I never understood exactly what was going on in Viet-Nam a war where you never had any idea of how to win or even end which was the prototype for all wars to follow - no definite goals or strategies that I could tell but I never understood being angry or cold to the soldiers - the politicians and the strategist who sat at home, yes - but the men and women who fought it - never!

I was so happy to see some of my friends come home and so sad for the ones who didn't, they were changed by their horrible experiences, older and sadder, but they were my friends before they went and they were still my friends.

I have the greatest respect for those who served and I always will - I have no idea why invading Iraq was going to stop terrorism with Ben Lauden hiding in Afghanistan, but the troops don't get to choose where they go so I am behind the soldiers there and I will welcome them home if their endless tours ever stop.

I salute you and all of the men and women who do the work that others determine necessary.

I may never understand why they were sent, but I will mourn the ones who don't return and love the ones who do regardless.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Gloria13]

Thank You Sally! This is a special group in a couple of ways, My experiences in Viet Nam gave me the strength to see me through the RLT and the problems we all bump into ( like a forklift tine through my locker door at work) and let me do this with confidence to keep my head up and see it through to the end. Funny enough one of my main antagonists became a friend and told me he was ashamed of himself for the way he acted. We retired a couple of months apart and parted as good friends.

Gloria

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Gloria

You have us to tell the story to... PM me anytime.... Post in the forum anytime...

We are here for you - I am here for you...

Seriously Senior - but a loving Lizzy

[Guest Gloria13]

Elizabeth,

I was lucky, I had a friend come into my work space and tell my commander that I would be gone for a while and physically drag me to a PTSD meeting. I sat there like a lump and refused to talk. The following week I actually listened and all of a sudden I heard someone telling the group exactly how I was feeling. By the 3rd meeting they had a heck of a time shutting me up. I left there a qualified councilor ( just one that can't spell). I got away from that while working for the postal service, they were afraid to allow the viet nam vets to start a PTSD group, thought we might take over or something. So over the past 18 years things have changed kinda...duh! And here I am willing to listen again and if I can help by relating my stories then I will. I have a large collection of writtings from my PTSD group that are very touching and quit good. But I am doing very well now. Just sorry I can't go to the 3rd Marine reunions, don't think they will quite understand what exactly happened to "Doc".

Gloria

[Guest Gloria13]

PS: ow do I PM someone here// ?? Talk slowly and don't use big words I'm a bottle blonde and the chemicals have only left me a couple of functional cells.LOL

Gloria

[Guest joe0117]

Gloria,

Hi - I have lots of experience withPTSD groups for different reasons. I am years late but Welcome home soldier! I am also willing to isten to anything you wish to share or vent. I am an excellent listener. It is my best skill. I find the easiest way to PM is to find a posting by that person and click on their name or avatar/picture and it goes to their page. Then you click on send them a message and you can PM them. I hope that helps.

Joe

[gennee]

Gloria, I was in the service (army) during the Vietnam War. I was never sent there but I remember soldiers being spat upon by civilians when they returned home. I can only imagine having no one to talk with all these years. Now you have that opportunity. I pray that you canhelp those who are returning from Iraq and Afghanistan. I pray that you can find peace in your heart.

Gennee

[Guest Gloria13]

I have gone to my Congresswoman and she is working hard to help the people oming home now from being treated the way we were. She was one of the people pushing about the conditions of Walter Reed for the returning Vets. They closed the rathole down.

She has done a lot for the Vets.

I need to clarify one thing, I wrote the pain of coming home when I was in my PTSD group. We all kept journals and we all were encouraged to write. Those amazing guys gave me a collecton of writings that would knock your socks off. A copy of my poem "The Guardians" is in the collection of stuff left at the Wall and someday I hope it makes it into the Wall Museium they are planning.

Now especially after my transition I am a much better person, and thougth the anger will never go completly away I am much better.

Thank you all for the concern and careing, now it is my turn to help those that need it.

Gloria

[gennee]

Gloria, I thank yo for your service and all that you are doing for our vets. If you need my support, you have it.

Gennee

[Guest Leigh]

sorry that you had to experience such tragedy. it is an evil world we live in.

i only hope tat you can heal at least in part from the emotional scars that you have.

god bless

peace&love

leigh

[Guest Gloria13]

sorry that you had to experience such tragedy. it is an evil world we live in.

i only hope tat you can heal at least in part from the emotional scars that you have.

god bless

peace&love

leigh

Thanks Leigh,

With the love of my wife and friends I am better.And now that I don't have to fight the gender battle any more I am doing great. 13 yrs post op!

Thanks for your support hon,

Gloria

[Guest Elizabeth K]

WOW

And now that I don't have to fight the gender battle any more I am doing great. 13 yrs post op!

A double veteran!

Lizzy

[Guest Donna Jean]

Good for you, Gloria.....

You know....

In WWI, WWII, Korea.....troops went and returned as units...all together

When we came back from 'Nam ...well, when your date showed up, you hopped a plane and came back by yourself...

No huggs, no kisses, no one to meet you...

And if you came back and still had a month or two to finish your enlistment they wouldn't,t let you just go. Your duty was done ...but you had to finish it out even if you went to the chow hall and peeled spuds for a month! Many served a tour in Viet Nam and came back to have to preform some sort of menial duty for a month or two....

Real class.....

Welcome home, Gloria!

Donna Jean

[Sally]

My father had a bad experience in trying to come home from WWII.

He had way over the required points for his trip home but in G2 (Intelligence - photography - developed, printed and assembled those wall sized arial maps for the generals) they had to have a replacemnet for you first - his replacement came in and they were having a little trouble with him - he was always drunk, that's why he had been transfered so many times so with one third of the points he was sent home and my father stayed.

He decided to not do any more work so that they would send him home, his commanding officer agreed to send him home when the next warm body walked through the door - whenhis transfer papers came through his Malaria from North Africa had flared up but he didn't tell anyone until he was on board the ship and a half day out - no way was he spending two weeks in the hospital in Italy and miss this trip home.

Wars have never been fair, by definition but we really need to do better by the veterans.

After he got home he was sent a bill to return the $18.27 that he had been over paid - thanks for your hard work and risking your life for us.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Gloria13]

Good for you, Gloria.....

You know....

In WWI, WWII, Korea.....troops went and returned as units...all together

When we came back from 'Nam ...well, when your date showed up, you hopped a plane and came back by yourself...

No huggs, no kisses, no one to meet you...

And if you came back and still had a month or two to finish your enlistment they wouldn't,t let you just go. Your duty was done ...but you had to finish it out even if you went to the chow hall and peeled spuds for a month! Many served a tour in Viet Nam and came back to have to preform some sort of menial duty for a month or two....

Real class.....

Welcome home, Gloria!

Donna Jean

It was worse for me. I had been wounded so I went to the hospital Ship and from there to Japan and from there home so I didn't get to say good by to platoon members and friends. I only ever saw the other platoon corpsman after 26 yrs and he showed up in my life 2 mos into my RLT. So he met Gloria. After I got his mouth to close and his wife to recover, Diane and I explained what was going on. It took him a while and a lot of phone calls, he lived in Maine and I was in Maryland, I helped him get in a GOOD ptsd group and good help and he discovered I was the same friend as before just a different wrapper. So we are still friends. ONly good thing about that place.

While transitioning at work all of the Vets became good supporters, they knew I was a corpsman prior to my transition, I was told I was "DOC" first and Gloria was a close second.

Thanks for the welcome home Donna

Gloria