Different reason for being nervous about transitioning

[SL]

I recently realized I have a less talked about reason for being nervous about transitioning and I'm wondering if anyone else has experienced something similar. I have been preyed upon by men since I was around 4 years old and both sexual harassment and assault have become a fairly regular occurrence since around age 12. I've realized I developed a fear of men and I know other people probably have too and so part of me is almost worried about people being afraid of me if I pass too well. On the other hand not passing enough is terrifying because of the bathroom situation, which I know is normal. I mean I'd definitely prefer to pass too well than not enough, but I also don't want people to automatically tense up around me like I do with guys. Has anyone experienced this? I will definitely be talking about this with my therapist to help work through some trauma, but tips on how to deal with this from someone who has lived it themselves is sometimes more helpful. 

[Jackie C.]

No, I get what you're saying. A lot of women tense up immediately around men or at least become wary. Part of that is conditioning. Society bombards you with, "You must protect your virtue! Men can't control themselves! Men do bad things!" Men (not all men, obviously) casually harass women through all levels of society when they think they can get away with it. They can frequently get away with it. It's an ugly part of our culture and part of women being second-class citizens in the States.

 

Unfortunately, the only real counter I know is letting a woman get to know you. She won't completely relax, but if she identifies you as being safe she'll be more of herself around you.

 

Ugh, that dredged up so very many memories of guys being disgusting. In locker rooms especially. It's not always malicious, it's just programming. It's always ugly though.

 

I hope you find some of that helpful.

 

Hugs!

[Erikka]

SL

I get it. When I was 21 I was physically assaulted and raped by shipmates. I have since never trusted men with  very few exceptions. As a trans womans, I trust men even less. Many men are predators and many are not, but I do not want to chance it.

[Just Lee]

It's a very valid worry SL. 

 

However, I think that you'll have the advantage of awareness because of transitioning. This could make you more understanding and aware of people's personal space and that you'd never broach it against their will--making them more comfortable. You're more mindful of that respectful distance to keep and I think that will help tremendously. 

[SL]

Thank you for your responses everyone! I had my first therapy session on Tuesday and this week we are going to start getting into my PTSD so a little nervous, but we are also supposed to talk about starting my medical transition so I'm excited for that.

 

@MaryMaryI completely agree. I am ready so to finally see myself in the mirror no matter what I face. Luckily I am bi so gay or bi guys thinking I'm an option wouldn't be bad, but the girls are a different story. Dating girls is intimidating because you are all ethereal goddesses who almost no man is worthy of (besides bigoted women, they can keep a good portion of men haha) so that's nerve wracking but in a much better way than my previous experiences with men. Stealth vs "openly trans" is going to be difficult because I tend to be a very open person when it comes to my experiences, but safety is always nice. I'm hoping the isolation from the pandemic will allow me enough time to get to the point I pass. Luckily it seems like I may only have two in person classes this semester and one is with my boss so hopefully he can help set the standards for the other students.

 

@Just Lee It will definitely take some experience finding the sweet spot of of being forward enough that they know I'm interested and not too forward. I've only ever asked out one girl to coffee so I'm very new to that side of dating. I do agree that knowing the more subtle ways girls try to turn down guys is helpful. A lot of cis het guys miss those.