Quite lost

[Billy]

Hi everyone, 

I am glad to have found your forum as I am currently quite lost. Thanks for being there. 

I was born as a woman and am married to a woman. We have 2 kids - I gave birth to both of them. We live in an open and liberal city. 

As a child, I was never really a girl, I dressed like a boy, played with boys etc.. 

Sports took me well through puberty. I had a boyfriend at university then favored women. My wife and I got together 11 years ago after having been friends for a long time. She is the love of my life. 

Beginning of this year I suffered from a burnout and have been at home since and am doing therapy. 

For the past 15-20 years I have presented as more or less feminine with long hair. About 6 to 8 weeks ago I strongly started questioning my gender Identity. I kept having very strong moment of feeling male (mostly when alone or with one of my queer rather male friends). I got totally confused when looking into the mirror and wanted to run away from myself. It got a bit better when I cut my hair short and went to by men's t-shirts. But I am still all over the place concerning my feelings. Sometimes I feel feminine, sometimes male and quite often not any gender at all. Non-binary seems quite appealing but in the end I just want to be at peace with myself again. I feel quite alone with these feelings. I have been able to talk to my wife about it and she does not see a problem ("just be who you are" ) but my problem is that I just do not know who I am at the moment..... And I cannot let go of thinking about it. 

Maybe there is someone out there to give some advice or who feels the same? 

 

 

 

[Charlize]

 what you describe is quite to to my experiences when i first arrived here.  I was unable to find peace with myself.  Folks here helped.  First of all they recommended that i get therapy.  During therapy i opened up and explored times throughout my life when gender was an issue.  Between that and time here reading about others and sharing my journey i have found some peace with myself.  I did transition. Others find otherwise.   We all have our own journey but openness, honestness and a willingness to change helps regardless.

It helped me to know i wasn't alone and that my feelings were understood and shared.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Sally Stone]

Billy, questioning who you are is really quite normal, so my advice is not to fret over your thoughts too much.  I'd also recommend that you not rush yourself trying to understand who you are.  Take the time to explore your feelings.  It took me years to get comfortable in my skin, and now I'm glad I didn't rush to conclusions.  It sounds as though your wife is supportive, so you can use her as your sounding board.  You can also use us, here.  Charlize recommended a gender specialist; great advice as they too, can help you sort through your feelings.

 

Anyway, welcome, and I hope visiting with all of us here, can help you sort through some of your feelings.  

[Carrie]

Hi Billy 

Both Charlize and Sally have offered good advice. There is no rush make sure you know what you are doing before doing anything drastic.  Talking to a therapist who is aware of gender problems is probably best as they will know where you are coming from and be able to help you find your way.

May you find peace of mind

Carrie

[KayC]

Hi Billy! Welcome and nice to meet you!

 

2 hours ago, Billy said:

I feel quite alone with these feelings

Well, you're not alone here, because I'm sure most of us have gone through similar feelings at some point in our lives. 

 

I can definitely say its taken 50+ years for me to finally reach some semblance of confidence in my self/gender identity.
Even so, I am soon starting therapy because I feel that's really the best way for me to discover a perspective of my true self without looking through the prism of what society expects or trying to live our lives just for others. 

 

So, as others recommended, I hope you have an opportunity to do the same.
 

I am not big on "Labels" .. so to me in the end it's more important to discover Who I Am ... rather than What I am ..
Wishing all the best and hope to hear more from you❣️

[Carrie]

It is very fortunate today with all this information out there.  I didn't get my first computer until after I changed gender identity.  My first computer had windows 95 on it.

Because there is so much information on the internet it makes it easier to find the information to helps us find our way.

Take care

Carrie

[Erikka]

Billy,

Glad you found this group and we are glad you are here. The road to getting to know yourself starts with doing research, 
research is your friend. Finding a gender therapist is essential, therapists are your mother confessor. Being open and honest with partners is an absolute must, good partners can us give strength when we ourselves have none. We have all been lost in the inn the process of becoming and knowing who we are. 

Velsignelser,

Erikka

[Billy]

Many thanks for your kind replies. I will try to take it a bit slower and easier. 

[Mena]

Hi Billy,

I hope you find comfort in the forums and are able to learn more about yourself in the process. I may be too young to give advice, but as someone who is also figuring all this out, be kind to yourself. Listen to your body and heart, don't be scared to present yourself in different ways!

 

We're all in this together

[Mx.Drago]

Hello and Welcome Billy!☺️