Coming out to my mother didn't go so well

[key plate]

Hi everyone,

 

I just needed a place to type all this out and get it out of my head. 

 

On Tuesday morning I made a decision and I took a walk to the park, sat on a bench and wrote out a letter/text to my mom. Coming out to her as non-binary and telling her I was excited about my hrt appointment the next day and made a joke about maybe growing a viking beard. I knew that she wasn't going to take the information well, but often if I'm entertaining to her, it can soften her mood. The not knowing was twisting me up in what-ifs and affecting other (joyful!) parts of my life.

A couple notes on my mom: she's mentally ill (legitimately diagnosed) and also a narcissist (I lived with her.) I had some hope that she'd either respond well or just barely acknowledge it because my cousin is trans and she has been very vocal in her support of him. And she's never been exactly curious about my internal life and feelings.

 

However, she said that she doesn't want me "jumping on the bandwagon" because being trans is "popular" right now and that because I wore dresses and corsets to goth shows in high school, I couldn't possibly be making the right decision regarding T or surgery. (I still enjoy dresses, I just hate boobs.) She said that she sees "nothing wrong with me" like she saw with my cousin and that I'm basically being flighty and trendy and I'll change my mind and regret it. She enjoys making me doubt my own mind to bring me around to whatever she wants me to do. She didn't ask my anything about my feelings or thoughts or anything. Just a shut down.

 

It hit me harder than I was expecting it to. I know how she is and I'm still surprised I took it so hard. I didn't answer her and have heard nothing from her since.

 

I'm extremely solid on this, I've felt more comfortable and open and people I've known ~10 years have commented on how much more well I seem to be since being honest and out. Every single friend I have told has been nothing less than completely excited for me including the 2 women I consider sisters.

 

I've taken the week to process and now my main feeling is resignation. It's the final thing where I think, although I still love her, I maybe don't ever want to see this woman again.

[DeeDee]

Hi Key plate, thank you for sharing, dealing with a loved who who has mental health issues can be draining, frustrating and scary all at the same time. I'm in my 40's and still scared of what my mum will say or worse what drama she will create to make it all about her when I have to tell her (I used to joke that she was mad and had the certificate to prove it). Creating space sounds like the right thing for you just now, it doesn't mean your mum can't build bridges with you in the future, but self care is really important. I can promise that the folks here will support you as much as they can. Take care. ?

[Emily michelle]

I’m sorry your mom reacted this way and I’m sure it’s very hard but you have to do what is best for you regardless of what others think or say. I could only hope your mom will come around. There is nothing wrong with you wanting to be your authentic self and most important be happy.

[Tory Aoi]

@key plateI can relate to your plight of dealing with a narcissistic mother.  I see in what you described a lot of the classic gaslighting techniques used here.  It can certainly seem surprising that she can get under your skin like that, but based on what I know of narcissists and how good they are at such manipulations that to me it isn't surprising at all.  I am aware of my own mother's BS, and yet she still tends to get under my skin even though I know I shouldn't allow that.

 

Just be sure to always remember that you are valid, no matter what your mother says, and to never allow her to undermine your sense of self-worth or identity.  You deserve more than that! ?

[Susan R]

2 hours ago, key plate said:

I'm extremely solid on this, I've felt more comfortable and open and people I've known ~10 years have commented on how much more well I seem to be since being honest and out.

Welcome @key plate It’s good that you found us and are able to use the forum in a therapeutic way. I use this forum in the same way on occasion too. It feels good to let off some steam and write down your thoughts and feelings. Your truth is yours and no matter what anyone says, it doesn’t change who you are.

It always amazes me when people think they know us better than we know ourselves. Don’t let your mom drag you down or manipulate you in any way. You obviously know what you want and were not only brave enough but nice enough to share it with her and then you get a reaction you certainly don’t deserve. It’s almost always better to just be yourself.?

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R?

[KayC]

Nice to meet you @key plate! and welcome!
You've found a great place to let this out.  We are all here facing both similar and different obstacles to transition, but all with the same hope ... to be happy.
I cannot and should not give you advice about your mother.  You seem to know her well, since your are not surprised but rightfully disappointed by her response.
I do hope you make the choices that are best for yourself (and not somebody else) but ... When its all said and done, she still is and will forever be your mother.  Don't let go of the love in your heart for her (it seems like she needs it)

 

Deep breaths ... one step at a time❤️

[Just Lee]

17 hours ago, key plate said:

I'm basically being flighty and trendy and I'll change my mind and regret it.

 

Maybe she's projecting feelings of her own about herself onto you. Narcissists are notorious for doing that and it might be that she's looking for a way to make it about her instead of you. They can't help their emotionally sponging ways of taking others' events and stealing it to spin it for themselves. I think she's more worried about herself and how she's *displaying* an open mind for your relative because she thinks it's all a passing fad. Just my 2 cents, I could be totally wrong.