Questioning My Gender

[throwaway]

Hey, I don't usually post on forums but I need help and don't have anywhere else to go.

 

To get straight to the point, I've been questioning my gender and I can't figure it out. I think I'm agender. I think it fits how I feel, but it's hard to say for certain. I know only I can determine who I am, but I wanted to share my feelings and experiences that have led me to this point and see what others think or if anyone relates. 

 

For context, I was amab. I've been raised and have lived most of my life as a cis male. I've never really felt like one though. Starting around middle school, I started feeling alienated from the other boys as well as the typical male expectations. I wasn't masculine in a lot of ways, especially physically. I felt bad at first and was worried about not being seen as attractive, as silly as that is. I overcame it by accepting that I'm not masculine, and if I can't change that then it's not worth worrying about.

 

That only worked for some physical things like height or muscle mass. Other stuff like social expectations and gender roles aren't as easy to ignore. I was never very social, but in high school I started making friends. Most of them were females, which could be a coincidence but I felt a lot more comfortable with them than male friendships. I enjoyed those friendships a lot, but I felt that me being male limited our friendships in different ways, which really upset me.

 

High school was when I started getting into fashion and presentation. I had already grown out my hair to my shoulders and began to explore different styles of clothing. I found that I liked what I'd consider more feminine than masculine. Skinny jeans and well fitted shirts. I even started wearing female clothing, though it was only what I thought I could get away with like shirts and shoes. I didn't see it as cross dressing or anything like that yet. I even started wearing eyeliner for a period of time. I also started experimenting with shaving body hair. Body hair is usually considered masculine and desirable by men, but I wasn't sure how I felt. Facial hair was complicated too. I could grow a decent beard for my age and would get compliments for it, but I often decided to shave it. I remember saying to a friend that it didn't fit my identity. She didn't understand.

 

My Senior year there was a Halloween costume party, and I decided to go as a girl. I bought a dress and makeup, and watched a lot of videos on how to do makeup. I actually managed to pull it off quite well. I hadn't told anyone, so it was quite a surprise for everyone and had even fooled some people. I was very particular about my costume. I was not in drag or cross dressing, I was a girl. It was a really good experience that I've realized might have been more than just a costume. I think it was an excuse to experiment, where I could avoid judgment by saying it was just a costume. 

 

I remember there was someone at school that came out as genderfluid and fought against the school to be allowed to wear a dress. I wanted to help by wearing a dress too.

 

At some point I started having thoughts that I'd make a better girl. I felt that my personality and social behaviors would be more acceptable and that I'd be happier if I was. I had even expressed this a couple times to one of my friends, though she didn't agree.

 

I had said earlier that I overcame my lack of masculinity by trying not to worry about it. Well a year ago I started thinking differently. Instead of thinking about whether I'm masculine or not, I started asking myself what I want to be regardless of whether it fits societal expectations. This change of thinking began when I started trying on my dress again. I'd look at myself in the mirror, confused about how I felt. I think I liked it, but not my body in it. I ended up looking for new clothes like dresses, skirts, and crop tops, which actually was really nice to do. It seems stupid but it made me happy. When I tried them on it was a similar experience. I liked the clothes, just not how I look in them. It took me awhile to admit it to myself, but I want to present femininely. I'm pretty certain I like dressing that way, and I've been wanting to experiment with makeup too. I've already started painting my nails. I've also decided I'm gonna try to shape my body to be more feminine so that I can feel more confident in those clothes.

 

When I started accepting this, I was confused. I didn't understand why I felt this way, like there had to be an explanation. It seems silly, but I thought to myself, "what if I'm a girl". So I asked myself if I was and decided that I don't feel like one, whatever that's suppose to feel like. And then I asked if I was a man, but I have no idea what that's suppose to feel like either. I've been pretty confused ever since. I don't feel like anything, and I certainly don't align with the male gender roles and such. And while I still think I'd make a better women, I think I'd end up feeling similar about female gender roles. Honestly, I hate the concept of gender. I hate that clothing is gendered, among so many other things. I hate others defining me as a male and seeing me differently because of it.

 

So I think I might be agender. Gender is confusing though, so it's hard for me to say for certain. Honestly, it's hard to accept all of this. It's hard not to think negatively about it all or to think something is wrong with me. Anyone else relate?

 

Sorry this ended up kinda long, thanks for reading.

[tracy_j]

Hi, welcome to TransPulse.

Thank you for sharing your story. There will be many others who can relate to this here including myself. Please  read around and join in and post as you feel. You will likely come to realise that your feelings are not unusual as many shared experiences here will show. People are different and there is not really any rigid division between male and female. It mainly makes it easier for organisation which is what people try to do.

If you have any questions please don't hesitate to ask.

 

Tracy

 

[Susan R]

Thank you @throwaway for your very well written introduction. You’ve obviously thought long and hard about this and it shows in your writing. We have similar backstories at some stages of our lives. I’ve had thoughts of denial of this and that. I can’t count the number of times I thought one way about myself just to rethink things to come up with another explanation of who I am.

 

2 hours ago, throwaway said:

I started asking myself what I want to be regardless of whether it fits societal expectations. This change of thinking began when I started trying on my dress again.

This was a critical changing point and a huge step to really finding happiness. We all tow the line as kids and then as young adults. When adulthood comes along the peer pressure drops to its lowest low but still has an effect on on us. The new found  freedom gives us options we now can realize.

When I turned 23, I had this same change in thinking. I moved away from family and friends and dressed and presented how I wanted. I began to emerge myself in the lifestyle and I enjoyed it very much. If it wasn’t for my work, I would’ve gone full time back then but that was not to be. Many of us have the chance to be who they want and we don’t move toward it because of fear. I had that chance back then and even after living my life as I wanted for ten years, I didn’t take it. It kept me from becoming who I truly am until just a few years ago and it was much more difficult because I had fully established life with my wife, children, siblings and their children.

I think it’s great that you’re able to do what you enjoy. You don’t need to fit into any one catagory perfectly. We’re all so different in so many ways but society wants us to believe we should fit nicely into two genders. That thinking has been difficult for anyone not fitting the binary model. Today, this is changing but still has a ways to go. I wouldn’t get hung up on the labels.

2 hours ago, throwaway said:

I've been pretty confused ever since. I don't feel like anything, and I certainly don't align with the male gender roles and such. And while I still think I'd make a better women, I think I'd end up feeling similar about female gender roles.

After reading your post and this quote above, I see that you definitely do not feel comfortable in your male persona. The interesting thing though...I haven’t read much about any negativity from being in a female persona other than your body and your female clothing not looking right or at least in the way you want. This is where a good ‘gender focused’ therapist would be a great help. You may be able to remedy this through transition medically, socially or both. I can’t say if it would be for you or not but it sounds like you enjoy femininity and possibly the female role. It’s something you might want to look into a little deeper with some professional help. I know it helped me to finally make the right choice for my life and it might do the same for you.

 

Anyways, I’m glad you found us and took the time to reach out. There are so many of us here that have shared similar feelings and thoughts. You’re not alone. If you need advice, information and support, you’ve come to the right place. 

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R?

[KayC]

Hi throwaway!  Welcome and nice to meet you!

I can connect with your story, specially your early years.  I too just never felt I fit in as AMAB either physically or socially.  But, I actually went the opposite direction and did everything I could to make myself fit into the cis-male box society expected me to fit.  I did (and loved) crossdressing during different parts of my life but for most of it it was buried.
Just like you, eventually it all comes back and it forces us to face it (or go crazy with anxiety and wondering).

I agree with @Susan R that therapy with a gender specialist is the best approach.  That is what I have just started.  I cannot know my destination if I don't know which way to go.

You've found a great Forum to start.  Look forward to hearing more from you❣️

Deep breaths ... One step at a time