Am I selfish

[Katetrue]

I'm Married had a girl that's mine at two other girls that are from my wifes first marriage.  But I class them all as mine .

I do what I can for all of them . And try to keep the wife happy with jobs she wants me to do . And I provide with a job .

 

I've had enough of me settling for second best . And want me to be more me on the outside to match my inside .

If i mention anything to do with kate to my wife . She has said that our marrage is a lie and she feels second best to Kate.  That's not the case .and makes me feel selfish . But for years i have faught with things to get Kate out of the box . She found out ide wore something out of her wordrobe. So she threw all her clothes out . And said ide worn all her clothes and she didnt know what ide worn and what I hadn't.  So she chucked it all out .

Am I selfish for wanting to be me? . That just doesnt conform to Normal whatever normal  is . 

My wife has tried to help me but finds it all repulsive .the idea of me wanting to dress as a woman .

So is all this my fault . Am I selfish . And does this mean I'm a realy bad person?

And am I sick in the head ? Maybe i am 

 

Everyone your thoughts xx

 

 

 

Kate xx

 

[Katetrue]

I have said to my wife . That the only way I can get rid of what's in my head 

My dysphoria . Is to shoot myself in the head with a gun . My wife she can switch off to me being Kate . But I have Kate in my head 24 /7 cus it's in my head all the time cus its who i am . Kate is part of me I cant just switch that off . And no I havnt got a gun . But maybe some of you can relate to what i mean  .

 

For years i thought i was a freak and a bad person for feeling how i do .

But i realise that my caring nature my love for pretty things and clothes . The feel of soft things . My sewing . All things that men dont normaly care about . I care about .

 

Kate xx

[Charlize]

I would definitely recomend that you see a therapist.  I remember feeling just what you describe.  I felt guilty for simply being me!  I did my best to bury that reality but after seeing a therapist i realized that it had always been me.  Therapy gave me just the place to find i wasn't alone, that i could be me and best of all that i shouldn't feel guilty.   My therapist helped my wife as well and after rough times we have lived a truthful and much more loving life together.  I am fortunate, i know, but i had to be truthful.

Don't give up and feel miserable but instead reach out for support. 

You are not alone!

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Kaltia_Atlas]

Kate, what you are going through is tough and I wish there was a magic button that could make all the wrong go away and make everything right and everyone happy. Sadly, that doesn't exist.

When I first tried telling my family how I felt, when I was a teenager, I was stunned and made to believe it was repulsive and a crime against nature. In truth, nature made me this way. And the family I now have accepts me for who I am. They work with me to better my situation because it allows me to be a part of the family. A year ago I was a recluse. Hiding in online worlds as the woman I wanted, needed, to be. Now I can openly present female with my family and they love me for being honest. With them and myself. 

Like Charlize, I am one of the lucky ones. A wife that supports me, kids that dont judge me, a house full of family that helps guide me during this transition... Everything I could ever ask for. It has taken a very long time to get here, but with the support of my wife, and two therapists, one for me and one a couples therapist, we are at the point we can move forward together.

I agree completely with charlize, you should try to find a therapist. Maybe do like I did and find 2. One for you to talk about how YOU feel and one for you and your wife to talk together. My only suggestion with the couples therapist, talk with your wife about it first. Let her know you want to work on this together. Then find a few options of couples therapists and see which one works for both of you. The only way to make a relationship work AND be true to yourself is the be open, honest and communicate. 

 

Best of luck to you and please reach out and ask for help if you ever need it. Ending your life is never the final answer.

 

Hugs ❤️

Kali

[Jackie C.]

@Charlize is absolutely right that you should talk to a therapist. Preferably one with a knowledge of or specialization in gender dysphoria. Really though, I think you'll find one that's just accepting of who you are to be of tremendous benefit.

 

7 hours ago, Katetrue said:

She found out ide wore something out of her wordrobe. So she threw all her clothes out .

 

Because that's a rational action right there. Who throws out their wardrobe because somebody else wore one of your pieces? I started mine with hand-me-downs and my wife and I share clothes we both like. I will say though that when I came out to her? One of the first questions she asked was, "Have you been wearing my underwear?" I had to laugh. I mean seriously. On what planet would her underwear fit me? I had my own.

Also double standard. She wore one of my pairs of briefs home once while we were dating. It just got washed and went back in the drawer. No drama required.

 

Anyway, anecdote aside, what about wanting to share your real self with your family is selfish? A better question is, "Is asking your spouse to play a role at home or in public selfish?" Would you make your wife pretend that she's someone else just so she better fit into the role expected of her?

 

Coming out can be scary and confusing. Your loved ones have the ability to make it easier or harder. Hoping that yours see the light.

 

Hugs!

[Mmindy]

7 hours ago, Katetrue said:

She has said that our marrage is a lie and she feels second best to Kate.

@Katetrue When I came out to my wife she also called our 44 year Marriage a LIE!!! She wished I was dead, outed me to our grown children and their spouses. That was back in May 2020, she has since come around and apologized for the three weeks of hatefulness that she spewed at me. She also said she would not attend any therapy sessions where some shrink would try to convince her she was wrong! That has changed too, she is going to see a couples therapist with me, we're going to work it out. She also doesn't want our marriage to end. It takes time for the family to accept that they are in transition with you, whether they like it or not. As those who have commented before me. @Charlize @Jackie C. @Kaltia_Atlas You're not in this alone, and Therapy is a good idea for you and your family.

 

Hugs,

 

Mindy???

[Siobhan]

10 hours ago, Katetrue said:

If i mention anything to do with kate to my wife . She has said that our marrage is a lie and she feels second best to Kate. 

 

Re: Your marriage is a lie'

One has nothing to do with the other. Sure, your wife thought she was marrying a male and because of that made certain assumptions about your life as a couple, but you being trans does not make the marriage a lie. Despite being Kate, you still love your wife, your children, and still do your part in supporting the family, right?

 

RE: 'Second best to Kate'

 

That statement was intended specifically to make you feel guilty about something you really can't control. I mean, you can control how you choose to appear I guess, but you can't change who you are, and who you are and who you have always been, even when you maybe didn't have a name for it, is Kate.

 

She should feel guilty for trying to shame you for being honest with her and for being yourself. I suspect she is seeing this through a narrow lens based on her (I assume) limited understanding of what it is to be transgender, and possibly thinks it's some weird sexual kick you get. You can thank society and bad films for that stigma.

 

She is seeing Kate as some sort of separate entity. Like you're cheating on her with some other woman when in reality Kate is you - not some 3rd party demon that popped in to piss her off and ruin your marriage.

 

And frankly, if your wife thinks she is supposed to be 1st best to you (regardless of the trans stuff) that is foolish. Paraphrasing an old but true statement: You have to love yourself first. Not just in marriage but across the board. People who hate themselves make bad long term company. I used to hate myself, and I was a misery to be with.

 

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She found out ide wore something out of her wordrobe. So she threw all her clothes out . And said ide worn all her clothes and she didnt know what ide worn and what I hadn't.  So she chucked it all out .

 

That's certainly one way to handle the situation.

 

Was she worried you imbued them with some sort of curse?! Or did she assume you, er, used them for some kind of sexual release? I mean, they're just clothes. Does she throw out the toilet seat every day just because you sit on it sometimes? Or would she only do that if you were wearing lipstick while sitting on the toilet? Yes, I'm jesting but only to point out the ridiculousness of her reaction.

Your wife has a right to be upset in that it is undeniably difficult to understand new concepts and a navigate big changes in the normal operation of things. She is even justified in lamenting a life she thought she would have. But she doesn't really have the right to make you the enemy in this. She doesn't have the right to play victim in this and crucify you for having the courage to be you. You have undoubtedly suffered enough over the years. You haven't done anything wrong. In fact, by telling her about Kate you were doing something right - for yourself and for your marriage, whichever way that goes.

 

 If my response comes across as harsh, just know that it comes from a place of sincerity and care. When I chose to transition it was because it got to a point where I felt that I had reached a fork in the road. If I went right, I would transition. If I went left, I was going to hop off this merry-go-round of Life. Obviously I chose the road to the right. I bring that up because you said the following:

 

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That the only way I can get rid of what's in my head 

My dysphoria . Is to shoot myself in the head with a gun

 

The fact that you told her that would hopefully snap her to attention and help her realize this isn't some weird flight of fancy or sexual perversion.

 

Also, PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GAWD, DO NOT SHOOT YOURSELF. You deserve to finally be yourself inside and out. And you also have a responsibility to your children. They need you in their life. Not to mention the other people who love and adore you who would be heartbroken if you exited.

 

I don't know that this is something that is going to get resolved without the help of a therapist. I think you should have one for yourself so you can feel safe to talk about your concerns and fears. Then maybe a second therapist for couples to help mediate and help give space for more productive conversation between you and your wife.

 

Best wishes Kate ❤️

 

 

 

Edited July 23, 2020 by VickySGV
Member request.

[Katetrue]

I have said to my wife . That the only way I can get rid of what's in my head 

My dysphoria . Is to shoot myself in the head with a gun . My wife she can switch off to me being Kate . But I have Kate in my head 24 /7 cus it's in my head all the time cus its who i am . Kate is part of me I cant just switch that off . And no I havnt got a gun . But maybe some of you can relate to what i mean  .

 

For years i thought i was a freak and a bad person for feeling how i do .

But i realise that my caring nature my love for pretty things and clothes . The feel of soft things . My sewing . All things that men dont normaly care about . I care about .

 

Kate xx

[Katetrue]

Siobhan 

 

Thank you so much for all of that . And o my God you are so right . You made me laugh. I never thought about it the way you put that but you are so right about everything . 

 

Im dreading telling her I want to transition but if I dont I will get worse with how I feel . I mean the anxieties I have day to day . And dealing with life as I am in Male mode feels like my dysphoria is just crushing me .

 

The pressure I feel is as I can only describe as horrible .

 

But thank you so much for that . And I feel sort of empowered to face her head 

On and deal with the -crap- .

 

 

Kate xxx❤?

[Siobhan]

I'm glad my post was well received I didn't want to sound like I was all out attacking your wife. I really do understand it is difficult for her as well.

 

I feel for you. I was never married but I was in a 5 year relationship when I started to come out and I was met with some resistance and guilt slinging. It didn't end us - other stuff did, but the end was definitely inevitable one way or another after a few cycles of them being all "I'm Cool with it/Ok,wait, I'm no longer cool with it", resulting in me feeling ashamed and being fearful to express myself. Then the expected purging of clothes would happen. But after 6 months or so, I'd start buying stuff again. Rinse and repeat.

As far as dealing with family and trans stuff, moving forward just try to be true to yourself and approach conversations from a place of thoughtfulness and calm with respect to the stuff she is having to go through, and the kids as well. It's not unheard for partners to come around to a more reasonable and less aggressive approach to discussion after their initial rage, while they begin to process their new reality -- I mean, we are only human. Well, at least most people are anyway!

[Katetrue]

Siobhan 

 

Thank you so much for all of that . And o my God you are so right . You made me laugh. I never thought about it the way you put that but you are so right about everything . 

 

Im dreading telling her I want to transition but if I dont I will get worse with how I feel . I mean the anxieties I have day to day . And dealing with life as I am in Male mode feels like my dysphoria is just crushing me .

 

The pressure I feel is as I can only describe as horrible .

 

But thank you so much for that . And I feel sort of empowered to face her head 

On and deal with the -crap- .

 

 

Kate xxx❤?

[Katetrue]

Thank you siobhan for your understanding and your honest words .

 

I'm not sure how it will pan out when I tell her of my thoughts of transitioning. 

But I've been this way for a long time now and I'm not getting better . And things arnt getting any easier for me .

 

So the only route I can see to take is to transition . I mean a while back I bought hormones over the internet cus I was desperate to take hormones . But the wife intercepted then . And so I had to flush them down the toilet all £70 pounds worth of them to keep the piece.

 

But there you go the silly things we do .

 

 

 

Kate ❤xx