Split Personality

[Guest]

I wanted to ask if anyone else had this type of experience growing up because it's always been a puzzle to me.  I was an only child born AMAB. And, as I look back it seems I led a fairly typical boy's life (except that I was bullied ferociously throughout high school.) There wasn't much of an alternative way back when I was young.)And as I became a teen and went through puberty I became interested in girls in a romantic / sexual context (and have remained so throughout my adult life just as an aside.)

 

So outwardly it seems I was a more-or-less typical boy growing up. But at the same time, there was this other part of me that, whenever I was alone (even if my parents were home), wore and used anything female-related I could get my hands on. (At one point I even made my own do-it-yourself breasts.) I hid everything I had in my desk file drawer behind some file folders. So, looking back, it seems as though, at an early age, I developed something of a split personality... one male... one female. And to a large extent that split personality has stuck with me throughout my life. On the one hand I lead as typical a male life as I can. But then there's this other part of me that would have given anything to be female. (There's an additional piece to this story I'll tell in another post later on.) Thanks for reading my post! ?

[Sara_Leighanne]

I can relate. For myself, I don't think of it as a split personality. I have the male and the female but they are one and the same but the male is public. The female side is largely private. I am totally okay with it but it took a long time to be that way. I joined this site just so she can be out. 

[Willow]

Overalls Bear

 

i think you will find you story is far from unique.  Many if not all of us here had our own version of your life.  Wanting all things feminine but following the expected male life.  Doing things pretending to be a girl or woman then feeling guilt and pushing it aside, only to do it again.

 

Willow

[Guest]

The thing is I don't recall, as a child, ever feeling uncomfortable in my "boy role". (That came later.) I also don't ever recall feeling much of any guilt or shame related to what I did when I was in "girl mode". It was simply something I knew I felt compelled to do / wanted to do & had always done as far back as I could recall. In sense it was just another game I played by myself when I was alone which was most of the time since I was an only child & at around age 12 we moved out into a rural area. So there were seldom other kids to play with. 

 

I was caught by my parents on a couple of occasions. And I had to do some fast talkin' to get myself out of those situations . However since being trans wasn't even "a thing" way back then my parents wouldn't have ever jumped to the conclusion maybe I was trans or even gay. (Perhaps I'll post about those two incidents at some point.) They just thought I was being weird in one case & probably evasive in the other. Looking back it was all very strange. 

[Sara_Leighanne]

Now that is where we differ. I had issues as early as 8. All my interests were boy stuff ie hot wheels, sports etc. (I know that does not mean anything) Emotionally though I was very feminine. I would cry and get made fun of (even into my 20s). There were instances of crossdressing that were happenstance I suppose. For Halloween Mom dressed me as a girl once. I would stay with my Aunt during the summer and my underwear got ruined once and my cousins let me wear their panties, I would conveniently "forget" them often after that. I had moments where I knew my plumbing was wrong and wanted it gone. Fortunately I grew out of it until later into adulthood. 

[Lexi C]

Hey B and Sara

Yeah i want down that rode as well. Remember those incidents like they were yesterday. Funny thing i always blame myself. But to tell the truth if I would going some support Things might being different. I might trans earlier in live and not sabotages my life like i did. But I am learning to look forward. 

Sara not sure if that's your real you in that pic, but wow you look amazing 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Sara_Leighanne]

It IS me, but there was an app involved. Sorry not sorry:)

 

 

[Guest]

24 minutes ago, Sara_Leighanne said:

It IS me, but there was an app involved. Sorry not sorry:)

 

 

Beautiful.... ?

[Sara_Leighanne]

Thank you very much.

 

It is bittersweet though, knowing what I would have looked like. C'est la vie

[Lexi C]

well the app def capture your innner beauty..Regardless your amazing just being you.

[Sara_Leighanne]

Yo are sweet, Thank you. 

[Guest]

Modesty aside, I guess I was a pretty good looking fella when I was young (a teenager.) I recall my mother once telling me she got a kick out of watching the girls check me out as my mother & I walked down the street together in town. Of course now I'm just a wrinkled-up old man. But I sometimes wonder what I might have looked like as a girl. I don't have any pictures of myself either as a young person or even as an older one. I destroyed every picture I had of both myself & my family years ago. If there's a picture of me out there anywhere I don't know of it. Realistically it doesn't matter anymore anyway... 

[Sara_Leighanne]

You don't have a smart phone?

 

[Guest]

On 7/29/2020 at 7:18 PM, Sara_Leighanne said:

You don't have a smart phone?

 

Ha...ha...ha... no, no smart phone. Just the phone in our home. There's typically no one who would call me anyway. And I rarely answer the phone. Anytime the phone does ring it's either for my wife or it's a robo-call. ?