Is coming out just constant and forever?

[JamesM]

Hey there friends, I'm having some anxiety about coming out as genderfluid. I feel like it's something that once I do, I'm going to have to keep doing for the rest of my life. For the years I've considered myself a female-aligned enby, I never gave serious consideration to coming out to the general world, as I was stil comfy with she/her pronouns and my birth name...but now that I've found I'm apparently often a guy, I'm much less comfortable with that. But the idea of having to explain and possibly defend myself to every new person I meet, or pick and choose whom to tell...it sounds exhausting. I have social anxiety so even saying "hey they/them pronouns please!" sounds really stressful. Honestly, thinking I was a binary trans guy for a bit felt like such a relief, both because people around me are generally accepting of the existence of binary trans people and because with medical transition I'd eventually be read as a guy and not need to come out anymore. 

 

How do you do it? Does it get easier?

[Jackie C.]

I have my pronouns on a tank top. I don't look especially girly at the gym.

 

Honestly, only tell the people who are close to you. Everybody else can deal. Bonus points if you make sure to let people know that, "This isn't a secret, tell whoever you like," so it naturally propagates through your social ecosystem. For people you meet out and about? They don't need to know, no matter how you're presenting. Correct them if you like, but all I do when someone misgenders me is raise an eyebrow and give them my, "Really?" look. I'm open and honest if people ask, but otherwise it's not really anyone's business but my own. Your friends will figure out what to call you based on how you're presenting day to day. Everybody else can just deal with it.

 

Seriously, if someone has a problem, it's their problem. Let them deal with it.

 

Hugs!

[Carolyn Marie]

James, I could not agree with @Jackie C. more.  She said everything I would have, except better.  Explain to who you want to explain to, let the rest figure it out, and that's it.  I came out to a LOT of people at the beginning, either in person or via e-mail.  I only come out to people occasionally nowadays, and only when it's necessary.  So relax and be yourself.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[JamieL]

I know this is kinda old but I'm caching up on a lot of threads and wanted to add the following:

I feel like transition can be (and is for many of us) a Neverending journey. As they said above, don't feel like you have to keep explaining yourself. YOU BE YOU. Don't feel tied down to labels. They help me to figure myself out for communicating with others and for googling but there are 4-8 that apply to me on any given day. Keep searching and don't be afraid to keep changing.

[Droomvlucht]

On 8/1/2020 at 5:29 PM, JamesM said:

But the idea of having to explain and possibly defend myself to every new person I meet, or pick and choose whom to tell...it sounds exhausting.

Yes, this is very recognisable. When I meet other people, I always feel the need to let them know very quickly that I have a wife, and I don't even really know why I feel that way because why on earth do they need to know that? I think it's because I want to know if they'll be accepting me. But gender is way more personal, so that's even scarier. 

[Jackie C.]

1 hour ago, Droomvlucht said:

I always feel the need to let them know very quickly that I have a wife, and I don't even really know why I feel that way because why on earth do they need to know that?

 

That's funny, I do the same thing. Whenever I meet a new group, especially one that has women in it, I always mention that I have a wife. Though if you're watching, you'll notice the other women will slip you from "potential rival" to "safe" in their heads. Otherwise, the only way I let other people know is if they're hitting on me.

 

Hugs!

[Droomvlucht]

1 hour ago, Jackie C. said:

Whenever I meet a new group, especially one that has women in it, I always mention that I have a wife. Though if you're watching, you'll notice the other women will slip you from "potential rival" to "safe" in their heads.

 

Haha I never thought about it that way. I really think people don't see me as a potential rival anyway. But what maybe is another aspect of it is that it feels safe to me to let men know that I won't be interested at them anyway (because people assume I won't because I have a wife, what not necessarily has something to do with my ability to fall in love with men but oh well). 

[Jackie C.]

Exactly, you let the men know that they have no chance whatsoever, and the girls know that you won't be trying to steal their man. You can just get on with learning about each other as people without that extra layer of pressure and expectations.

 

Hugs!