Issues with feeling dysmorphia?

[Naomi Knowles]

Of the changes transition has brought me: one thing that I have caught myself doing a lot more, is compulsively comparing myself to other women. At no point have I ever, or ever will begrudge the fact they are feminine in ways that I'll never be, infact I can't help but admire them for it. But because I'm still struggling with self esteem and dysmorphia from as long I went without acknowledging my gender - I also can't help but scorn myself with the same metaphorical breath for not being better than I am currently (in ways that I cannot fix either because my proportions wouldn't allow it or because I didn't transition until I was 28).

 

Envy has a great capacity for trashing my relative contentedness with my physical progress (which honestly is not terrible when you consider what I looked like before), and I'm wondering how everyone else deals with their own jealousy and envy?

 

 

I'm trying to shop online for clothes, but too often, I find myself thinking "oh that looks nice". After trying to imagine myself actually wearing a piece and concluding it wouldn't look good on me (and saving pieces that pass this test "for later", only to never buy them because my high mood has long since passed), my mind is drawn to the fact that of course the models look good in what they're modelling: it's their job to look good, in order to entice customers to buy.

Which makes me question what actually may suit me, and it all just wears me down until I'm not even shopping anymore, instead going around in useless circles of curiosity, admiration and self loathing.

[KathyLauren]

I used to feel a lot of envy at the appearance of beautiful women, especially before I started to transition.  I would note what clothes and what styles of makeup etc. made me pay attention.  Once I started buying my own clothes to wear out in public (as opposed to a stash for dressing in secret), that sense of envy morphed into establishing my own taste in clothes.  I realized that I needed to focus more on what would make me look good, rather than on what made them look good.  These days, I can look at a pretty woman and admire her presentation, but at the same time realize that it would not work on me, because of age, figure, colours, etc.. 

 

I no longer base my styles on what other women are wearing.  Now, I'll browse a store looking for clothes that just catch my eye: a pretty pattern or colour, or a fabric that drapes of flows nicely.  If it fits, it's mine!  I am realizing that I have a style of my own.  My wife realizes it, too, and she will suggest clothes that will look good on me. 

 

By the way, a terminology quibble...  "dysmorphia" is something different from what we transgender folks feel.  What we have is "dysphoria".  When it comes time to collect letters from mental health professionals in preparation for surgery (if you choose to go that route), one of the things they are checking for is to ensure that you don't have dysmorphia.  Dysmorphia is considered a mental health disorder.  Dysphoria is a normal awareness of being assigned the wrong gender at birth.

[Charlize]

A new word for an old gal!  Thanks i googled it.  They had the definition, which your post certainly described, and a "cure"....cognitive therapy.

Short of that i can describe an incident that happened to me shortly after going full time.

I was definitely feeling dysmorphic as i left the house to do some grocery shopping.  Our farm has a small cottage where we allow young farmers to stay so they can get a bit of help as they establish themselves.  At the time a beautiful young female farmer was staying there with her future husband.  I saw her on my way out and told her i felt miserable about my appearance.  "My hands and feet are too big, not to mention i'm tall with big shoulders".  She looked at me and shared that all women, no matter how 
"lovely" have the same issues.   "I do".  Somehow that helped and today i simply try to let that stuff slide and live as myself in relative comfort for a 72 year old hottie.Working on letting go might be better than cognitive therapy

 

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Jani]

I agree with what Kathy has written pertaining to clothing.  You should always shop with you in mind, not some other woman.  Sometimes I'll find something I like and it looks good and fits, but I always ask myself "where would I wear this?" Or would I wear it enough, if it was a fancier piece.  You have to choose clothing that fits your lifestyle and personal style.  There will always be great looking clothing to choose from.  Our task is to shop wisely with ourselves in mind. 

 

Charlize it correct about how all of us (cis and trans) wish for something to be changed.  But don't beat yourself up over it.  Look around, women come in all sizes and shapes.  Its what makes the world go round! 

Jani

[Naomi Knowles]

 

41 minutes ago, KathyLauren said:

I no longer base my styles on what other women are wearing.  Now, I'll browse a store looking for clothes that just catch my eye: a pretty pattern or colour, or a fabric that drapes of flows nicely.  If it fits, it's mine!  I am realizing that I have a style of my own.  My wife realizes it, too, and she will suggest clothes that will look good on me. 

 

That is generally the attitude I try to take when scouting for inspiration. Though I admit I am still having a hard time pinning a consistent style down. The current flow is

- see something I think is cool

- look at size charts, get frustrated by how I could fit the measurements for 1-2 columns but not the rest

- remember that size charts are useless and are a depressing downward spiral

- make up an excuse along the lines of "when I look better"

 

But "when I look better" is subjective, and has no real end point: only a desire for endless improvements to an ideal that I wouldn't dare inflict on anyone else, but gleefully do so on myself, in spite of the self awareness that I should not, and the dismay of my friends.

 

 

52 minutes ago, Charlize said:

A new word for an old gal!  Thanks i googled it.  They had the definition, which your post certainly described, and a "cure"....cognitive therapy.

Something my current counsellor has spoken about a little bit, but hasn't really gone beyond that. There is a lovely private counsellor not far from where I live that has already helped me so much with my self esteem issues... Maybe it's time to ditch my NHS one and save up for private again.

[tracy_j]

Women come in all shapes, sizes and approaches to life, We obviously follow suit but do not initially have the background experience to match. Maybe many of them do not either?

 

Mostly these days I go into the wardrobe (or would if I was lucky enough to have a walk in lol) and pick clothes to suit where I am going and what I am going to do. It is influenced by other women as I do subconciously compare myself to them and the local social circle. There are times when I do dress up and see myself as attractive, not an attempt to copy a model who I will never be. I buy things which work. The latest fashion is often too momentary in value.

 

An example was yesterday. Now we have to wear masks in shops, when I did the shopping last week I wore a standard mask. I hate the look and it was making me feel really ill. Knowing I had a bandana I tried that yesterday. Much better and, although apparently not as effective, I felt far better in myself. It had the side effect of being far more fashionable too! Going round the supermarket and noticing no-one else was wearing one I did initially feel slightly self concious but it drew no negative looks and did fit in with, mainly among women, what is the new fashion - colourfully patterned masks.

 

I adapt my style but slanted to me, not try to follow and fail.

 

On talking to other women and living amongst them it is easier to realise that they have the same issues too. Initially we maybe don't see things from the same perspective. It's maybe achieving that perspective view which is the key.

 

Tracy

[KayC]

21 hours ago, Naomi Knowles said:

one thing that I have caught myself doing a lot more, is compulsively comparing myself to other women.

Hi Naomi!  This is a great subject, Thank you!
Not being "Out" I think my only point of envy is that I can't go out and shop in the womens department.  I can only glance around (without stopping to shuffle through racks) and wonder if something would look nice.
I don't think I've ever envied another woman's appearance as something unachievable, but I do definitely check out their styles and try to use their example as something that might look nice on me.  Specially, for taller women whose body type fits mine and are "mature" like me!  That's the eye test I use, just to keep it real.

So, my window shopping is via Amazon mostly, and by trial and error I have finally come to realize my "style".  So, maybe that is part of it.  We have to feel comfortable that what we wear fits us (both literally and figuratively) so we gain confidence in ourselves (funny thing is as AMAB, I had always had issues with finding my "man" style and looking the part.  Hopefully those days are over).

I do love it when something new arrives and I get to try it on, and (mostly) I really like the way I look.  So, I hope you can come to the same place at some point Naomi.  Just ... Let It Go❣️ (cue the music from Frozen here)❄️

 

[Naomi Knowles]

14 hours ago, tracy_j said:

Women come in all shapes, sizes and approaches to life, We obviously follow suit but do not initially have the background experience to match. Maybe many of them do not either?

 

Mostly these days I go into the wardrobe (or would if I was lucky enough to have a walk in lol) and pick clothes to suit where I am going and what I am going to do. It is influenced by other women as I do subconciously compare myself to them and the local social circle. There are times when I do dress up and see myself as attractive, not an attempt to copy a model who I will never be. I buy things which work. The latest fashion is often too momentary in value.

 

 

I adapt my style but slanted to me, not try to follow and fail.

 

On talking to other women and living amongst them it is easier to realise that they have the same issues too. Initially we maybe don't see things from the same perspective. It's maybe achieving that perspective view which is the key.

 

Tracy

That is very true, which is part of why I don't get angry-jealous when I find myself triggered. While transition has helped me be less severe with myself, it's still incredibly alien to think about the possibility of someone being envious of what I may have. Nothing is especially "large" about my body (except maybe the belly that hormones has put on me, and my head hair), which is both a blessing and a curse the more you think about it. But the fact I have such strong issues with my own body is not their fault: only a catalyst.

The funny thing is, I fear my own personal judgement of me a lot more than I do from other people, and I have far too much practice thinking "Really Naomi? You're considering THAT?".

 

Maybe it's the fear of spending money on things that look good at the time, but later turn out to be duds? I honestly struggle to tell what's actually "good" on me and what's a "yikes" in disguise.

 

10 hours ago, KayC said:

Hi Naomi!  This is a great subject, Thank you!
Not being "Out" I think my only point of envy is that I can't go out and shop in the womens department.  I can only glance around (without stopping to shuffle through racks) and wonder if something would look nice.
I don't think I've ever envied another woman's appearance as something unachievable, but I do definitely check out their styles and try to use their example as something that might look nice on me.  Specially, for taller women whose body type fits mine and are "mature" like me!  That's the eye test I use, just to keep it real.

So, my window shopping is via Amazon mostly, and by trial and error I have finally come to realize my "style".  So, maybe that is part of it.  We have to feel comfortable that what we wear fits us (both literally and figuratively) so we gain confidence in ourselves (funny thing is as AMAB, I had always had issues with finding my "man" style and looking the part.  Hopefully those days are over).

I do love it when something new arrives and I get to try it on, and (mostly) I really like the way I look.  So, I hope you can come to the same place at some point Naomi.  Just ... Let It Go❣️ (cue the music from Frozen here)❄️

 

I think back to a time several months ago, when I did confidently shop for items that I liked the look of and sometimes do wear out (on the rare occasions I'm not in a work uniform). My hormone levels are monitored and well maintained, so I'm left confused why I'm so hesitant now when it comes to actually putting everything into practice. Like I've glommed onto a couple bits as "safe", and now refuse to experiment further, despite my best efforts otherwise.

 

But I do over-think... I'm much happier when I stop obsessing over the little details all the time. But it's what I'm used to doing out of habit, so it takes energy to overcome that I don't always have. The amount of choice for women's clothing is honestly overwhelming, and despite everything: it still has a certain allure that I want to reconnect with. ?

[Jayna]

Ian so lonely, i know nobody who can relate to anything trans. I’m trying to be patient but I want to burst, I have been crying in private or into my pillow. I have no other outlets to release these feelings, I burst into tears last week just seeing a cat that got hit by a vehicle. Getting into femme shape and estrogen is so fun (right)? #StrongerGirl 

[Susan R]

6 hours ago, Jayna said:

I’m trying to be patient but I want to burst, I have been crying in private or into my pillow. I have no other outlets to release these feelings,

Jayna, I wish I had some good news for you or something that would lighten your burdens. I just want to say...you’re not alone and I’m here and feel free to PM if you ever need a shoulder.

 

Susan R?

[Jayna]

Thanks Susan R. I’ve passed my 1yr HRT covad set back my facial hair removal too. Wow 2020’s been splendid right? I’m really trying to get myself back on a faster track, I’m on goal weight loss so far too. Mostly old muscle mass now, I want to be ready for FFS next summer. But mentally, lately it’s been a little hard. The transfem group I was going to is gone, that was my only outlet. Thanks for listening.