A "Right" Reason to Transition?

[tapeleg42]

So around March of last year I realized that I may be transgender, and I started seeing a therapist for it last October.  One of the issues I talked with her is that I don't know for sure if I actually am transgender because of mental hangups I have.  Not being trans herself, she isn't able to give me clear advice on it, but she encouraged me to seek out other trans people to talk to.  So with that in mind, I'd like to air my issues here, and hopefully get some advice from you lovely people.  Also I'm going to get very open here, so I hope that's okay.

 

So a key part of my issues is that I don't feel body dysphoria the way other trans people do.  I've never been driven to depression or suicidal thoughts because I hate the way my body looks.  Really, the only thing I hate is my body and facial hair.  Everything else I just feel kind of blasé about.  And I know that trans people experience varying degrees of dysphoria, but since this is the only degree I've ever felt I don't know how low/high it actually is.

Additionally, I'm worried that the only reason I thin I'm trans is because I've never in my 32 years had sex or even a girlfriend.  So maybe in my loneliness and desperation for company my brain got its wires crossed and is conflating my desire to be with a girl with a desire to be a girl.  As if to say, "Since I can't get a girlfriend I'll just become my own girlfriend."  And the wort part is I don't know if this is actually how I truly feel or some kind of confused defense mechanism because this whole ordeal is scary.  I haven't read about any other trans person with this thought process so again, I don't know if this is common or not.

When I'm lucid my thoughts on transitioning come from a desire to be female, rather than feeling like I was born in the wrong body.  The fact that this is something I started thinking about so much later in my life makes me unsure, since I know there are people who have always known since they were kids.  Maybe I did too but just suppressed those thoughts so far down they can't be retrieved.  Who can say?  Is wanting to be female the same as being female?

 

I appreciate anyone who took the time to read through this.  I'm not much of a regular in this forum, but one thing I really do love about the trans community is how encouraging everyone is to each other, and how willing people are to help, even with just kind words.  So, thanks for reading, and thanks for any advice.

[tapeleg42]

I think I should also mention that I own about five different dresses and love wearing them around the house, but the euphoria I would get from wearing them has been wearing off, which is adding to my doubts.  If I really was trans, would they keep making me feel euphoric?

[Jani]

3 hours ago, tapeleg42 said:

If I really was trans, would they keep making me feel euphoric?

Not really.  If you wear them because they make you feel good that's enough.  I think the euphoria tends to wear off quickly once you come to a realization your are or may be trans.  Also not everyone has body dysphoria.  

[Jackie C.]

Very true, my first endocrinologist straight up asked me if I experienced body dysphoria. While it wasn't terrible (my dysphoria), I did experience some. So I got T-blockers. My mental issue was more of a crushing depression. It took my egg cracking to discover the source and come up with a plan to do something about it. So between transitioning and therapy, I've reached the point where I can see myself becoming a functional adult some day. Won't that be grand. ?

 

I got off on a tangent. The point is that not all of us feel severe body dysphoria. Dressing felt AMAZING at first for me too. It faded into the background a bit when I could do it every day. I feel better about myself, but I feel right when dressed as opposed to euphoric like I did in the beginning. I think early on it was my brain saying, "OH! So THIS is what feeling comfortable in your own skin is about. We should get more of this."

 

I didn't feel especially euphoric directly after GCS either. I felt GOOD, don't get me wrong, but I didn't feel euphoric. I felt more relieved. Also sore. ?

I do get bouts of, "Hey girl! We DID it!" from time to time when I remember everything I've done to feel right in my own body. Those are pretty neat.

 

Overall, your journey is your own. There's no road map to success. You need to do what feels right for you and makes you happy. We're always here to offer encouragement and advice when you need it though.

 

Hugs!

[Jani]

1 hour ago, Jackie C. said:

I didn't feel especially euphoric directly after GCS either. I felt GOOD, don't get me wrong, but I didn't feel euphoric.

 

That was me too.  I was living as me and it was all normal by then.  It just completed the puzzle. 

 

Jani

[KathyLauren]

Hi, @tapeleg42.  You and I are a lot alike.  I, too, never felt a lot of body dysphoria.  It was there, for sure, but it took a distant back seat to my social dysphoria.  It was only after I had dealt with the latter by living full-time that I could even pay attention to the body dysphoria.

 

And I, too, got confused by my sexuality.  I am mostly asexual, with strong lesbian tendencies.  It is possible that the asexual part was a result of being trans and not recognizing it.  I was just overloaded by weird, incomprehensible stuff, and sex got put on the back burner.  Like you, I was a virgin into my 30s.

 

I didn't get married until I was well into my 40s, and I didn't admit that I was trans until my 60s.  I don't recommend following in my footsteps, but I have certainly been where you are.

 

Like @Jackie C. and @Jani, I didn't get a huge rush of euphoria after my surgery.  Just, yeah, that's done.  Good.  I did have one good emotional moment in the cab on the way home, but mostly it's just back to living.

 

And that's where toe good stuff is.  I get a huge amount of relief over just how effortless it is living as a woman, compared to trying to be a man.  That is my social euphoria, the evidence that that dysphoria has been dealt with.  The body dysphoria was never of the same magnitude.

[Selina]

My body dysphoria is in the form of hating my body hair, Adam's Apple (ugh!!), thin lips, low eyebrows, and overall male shaped body. The dysphoria that's tough on me is social and knowing that every day I am living a fake life. I feel like an actor who is fed up with the part I play yet get up every day and continue playing that role. It's mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually draining. 

 

Since I have dressed for years the euphoria isn't there but has been replaced by a feeling that life is right and why not continue down the path I know is the one I'm meant to be on. 

 

KathyLauren, I love how you say how effortless it is living as a woman, compared to trying to be a man. I am very happy for you! 

 

Tapeleg42, I hope you're able to find the answers to your questions. You deserve to be happy and content with life!