Old school MtF emerges from hibernation to seek SRS

[Shelley L.]

Greetings to all!

 

Allow me to introduce myself.

I'm a 70 y/o old-school MtF transexual who transitioned to full time in 1995. As an engineer and scientist I had a productive 35-year career in medical imaging research. I believe that being a successful published researcher in an academic medical research environment eased acceptance by colleagues and my employer when it came time for my transition. Luckily for me, the head of my department took the position that placed a higher value on an employee's productivity than their appearance. The major university I was working at also had one of the earliest integrated transgender programs, though it was so new at the time that it was still a bit feckless.

 

My history as a life-long sufferer of gender dysphoria is not unusual. Realizing that something was very wrong with me came while literally still in the crib. I spent the next 40 years trying to fit into the masculine role to which I was assigned at birth. Two marriages and two children later I found myself totally despondent to the point of being suicidal. No matter what I tried, respite came rarely and when it did it, it didn't last long. I always found myself sinking ever deeper into depression and hopelessness.

 

My two children are what kept me from doing myself in. I didn't want to burden them by offloading my woes onto them. I sought help from a cascade of counselors who ranged from simply being willing and eager to take my money in spite of their admitted ignorance of my issues on to one who actually tried aversion therapy to get my head “right” and “cure” me once and for all. Finally I found one who like the rest had no knowledge of or experience with gender dysphoria, but was otherwise a very effective counselor. After a year and half, he ended our relationship with advice that gives me strength still. He said that my children would fare far better watching me face my problems head on and work my way through them than they would watching me end my life. That was the first day of the rest of my life.

 

For years there was a quarterly magazine called “Tapestry,” that was produced by a Boston organization called I.F.G.E, for International Federation for Gender Education (apparently now defunct). I first found this magazine in a porn shop while on a mission to peer through the only window I had on the most dear of subjects to me, “sex change,” which were lurid magazines exploiting what they termed, “she-males.” Tapestry was located in the far end of the back section, half buried by other magazines. It was an oasis for me as it provided evidence of people who feel like me successfully dealing with the same issues that dogged me since forever. As it happened, in the back of the magazine I spotted a tiny ad for a counselor specializing in treating gender dysphoria – less than 10 miles from my home! It turned out that the person was the social worker in the fledgling integrated gender program at the university at which I was working.

 

I soon found out about the requirements for completing one's gender reassignment, which at the time would culminate in SRS (sex reassignment surgery) by default, one size fits all. The last step was permanently assuming the role as a member of the opposite sex from that which you were assigned at birth. The process involved years of counseling, a period of time under hormone replacement therapy, another period of time living as a member of the desired sex, and in cookie-cutter fashion, SRS, for everyone. I galvanized into action doing about the only thing that was under my direct control in the early stages, electrolysis. Having been deeply closeted for decades, I recall the trepidation I felt waltzing into the female world of the electrolysis clinic, wearing a full beard. Thus I began a 3-year course of electrolysis an hour at a time twice a week that totaled a $30,000 investment. You never "finish” electrolysis. What residual facial hair remains is fine enough to allow me to use a n electric epilator a couple times a week.

 

The months and years went by until it came time for my initial consultation with the surgeon heading up the university SRS team. I was sooo excited! My day of coming home for the first time was approaching. My hopes were dashed when he told me I'd have to lose 75 lb. before he would operate on me (I weighed in at 275 lb. at the time). I was absolutely crestfallen. Having been fat since childhood I resigned myself to never being able to have my SRS. I abruptly scuttled my medical research career and moved to a small town on the western slope of my home state of Colorado to hunker down for the rest of my life. The town has a strong redneck constituency so I have been living stealth for the last 20 years.

 

After taking early retirement in my economically depressed area I suffered a series of health challenges, each of which took an increasing toll on my vitality and life force. Last October a series of infected diabetic foot ulcers had necessitated the amputation of half my foot. The real problem is secondary to having to have keep that foot elevated for 9 months. That 9 months on my ass in my recliner done paralyzed me. I'm just now getting out of my wheelchair.

 

Lady Luck did take favor on me through my cascade of health issues .I was able to get on Medicaid. That turned out to be key to my becoming participant in my local PACE program. PACE combines Medicare and Medicaid benefits into what's called a managed care program. Essentially PACE acts as all inclusive health insurance. All my medical needs are covered at no expense to me. After being in the position of having to declare medical bankruptcy as the next step, this is manna from heaven!

 

It gets even better. Come to find out that Colorado Medicaid includes transgender benefits. So here I am, a quarter century since originally transitioning back in the dark ages. For financial reasons I have reconciled myself to never be able to go beyond my orchiectomy in terms of treatment for my debilitating, nearly fatal gender dysphoria. I dropped out of my highly successful and highly visible 35 year career in medicaal imaging research and moved to a small town on the sparsely populated western slope of my home state of Colorado to quietly and anonymously live out my days. Realizing I'd been the equivalent of Michelle Van Winkle, asleep for 20 years in terms of completing my original goals for my gender transition, I do a little Googling and realize that GRS might actually be available to me. Then in a series of rapid-fire events, one duck lined up after another after another and suddenly I have an appointment for a consultation with the surgeon at the University of Colorado Health Integrated Transgender Program.

 

Now I need to convince myself the UCHealth program is the best place for my surgery and to discover how 21^st century thinking on HRT has changed since my hibernation began at the turn of the century, which was the last time I saw an endocrinologist.

 

Hopefully the community and resources on transgenderpulse will help me get these little items in ship shape so I can begin my new life. 

 

Thanks for your interest!

 

Shelley

[Cyndee]

Welcome Shelley to trans pulse forums and thanks for your intro post, nice to have ya with us  Sounds like lady luck is with you now, may the consultation go well and you may have your surgery. Have a look around our forums, start your own topics, or answer others, please join in the conversations, post away as the mood strikes. This is a peer support site.

 

Welcome hugs

 

Cyndee

 

 

[Heather Shay]

Welcome and as Cyndee says...there is a lot here for you and the most incredible ladies I have ever had the luck to find. I have been here just a couple months and for a 68 year old who has suffered her entire life with GD I have made more progress in such a short time. I am working on being able to have surgery and with Medicare it is difficult. Colorado is such a great place for you to be with Trinidad and all.

 

Again welcome and your photo shows a very pretty woman.

 

Mental Hug

 

Heather Shay

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Shelley,

Welcome to Transpulse. I'm glad you're here!

 

Lots of love,

Timber Wolf ?

[Jani]

Welcome Shelley, I'm glad you found us.  Thank you for sharing your story.  I think you will fit in well with us.  It seems you're happy having come out of hibernation.  Best of luck with the team at UCHealth.  

 

Cheers, Jani

[Shelley L.]

Gee, thanks for the welcome, ladies. I look forward to exploring this amazing place, especially knowing how warmly I've been received. Cheers!