Desire to be masculine but envious of beautiful women?

[papaparca]

Hey all, I joined the Trans Pulse forums in hopes I could get some insight on a reoccurring experience I've had ever since coming out as a trans man.

 

Although I don't think this influences my way of thinking, I've come out to friends and acquaintances but not my family members.  I have come out twice in my life, the first time being a teenager dealing with a lot of self-doubt and confidence issues which eventually led me to give up on myself and present myself as a woman despite knowing I never truly felt like one.  I've described on multiple accounts that I felt more like a dress-up doll than a person during this time.  I knew how to make myself look attractive. I dressed well, my confidence got better over time as I got older but I knew I was lying to myself.  The second time around that I came out was fairly recent, and knowing myself more as an adult as well as establishing healthy, supportive friendships has helped me tremendously in finding more comfort and security within my identity. 

 

But now I am struggling with feelings of wanting to be like the confident, beautiful women I see on social media despite being uncomfortable with the idea of people seeing and referring to me as a woman.  When I see trans men successfully go through their transition and show off their bodies bravely and confidently I am filled with joy, as I too want to achieve what they have.  I enjoy dressing in both "feminine" and "masculine" clothing (despite believing anyone can wear anything).  I love fashion, I love makeup, I love raw and uninhibited self-expression.  I cannot help but think that I should not feel this way if I truly was what I say I identify as, despite feeling like I have been nothing but honest with myself.  I feel comfort in being referred to as a man, I feel truly seen when my friends use male pronouns when referring to me.  I've considered the possibility of being non-binary, but it doesn't feel quite right.  I know the transgender spectrum is vast, and I'm not really sure what kind of answer I'm looking for now that I've typed this all out, but I guess I hope that how I feel makes sense in a way.

 

Thanks for hearing me out.

[AmberM]

Welcome to Transpulse papaparca!

 

I came here a little over a year ago or so to delve into why I felt envy and a desire to be a woman. I am jealous of anybody who can exude confidence in their given image, man or woman or gender-neutral. I believe one of the best early advise I was given is to start exploring, and not worrying about fitting into a "box". There are CIS Men whom enjoy fashion and makeup, just like there are CIS Women that hate the latter. This does not make them fit more with one than the other, it is just an interest they have. What makes you feel good and confident that you are being the best you is what matters. I know this takes a lot of experimentation, at least that is what I am learning.

[papaparca]

21 minutes ago, MaryMary said:

If you fully transition you will have a deep voice and beard, do you feel alright with that? There's a lot of man these days that wear makeup and everything.

 

Be the man you want to be, do what you feel like doing. You will still be a very valid and awesome trans man.

 

Being trans is about identity, let's not make this a prison. Be free.

 

I definitely can't wait for HRT.  Being able to grow facial hair, for my voice to sound more natural to me—it's all very exciting and I'm full of anticipation for it.  I dream of the day I can afford top surgery and see my body become what I always wanted it to be.

 

Thank you so much for your insight, it means the world to me!

[papaparca]

28 minutes ago, QuestioningAmber said:

What makes you feel good and confident that you are being the best you is what matters. I know this takes a lot of experimentation, at least that is what I am learning.

 

Thanks for the welcome!

 

Although my confidence definitely improved maybe I'm still struggling with it here and there.  Hopefully with some experimentation I can find out what helps me feel like I'm being the best me without feeling like I have to question every little thing along the way. 

[DonkeySocks]

If you know you're a man, and you dress in what's perceived as women's clothing, that doesn't make you a woman. It makes you a really stealthy cross-dresser.