Found out

[Katetrue]

I've been looking at herbs for growing boobs and bought some cus I want boobs so bad .

Anyway it's one thing that my wife said I couldn't do . So I lied and I know I shouldn't of . And told her that they were for prostate . Anyway she found out cus my google account was open and when she was trying to get rid of a video and all my browser history came up . And of course it was to do with growing male breasts .

 

So I'm a liar and she wants a divorce and wants to sell the house and wants half of the money from it . She wants to tell everyone what a freak I am .and that it's my fault . Which it is .and I repulse her . So I could lose everything were do I go and what can I do now my life has gone to -crap- . I just couldn't control my self from wanting boobs of my own so much.  My gender trans issues have put me in the crap . No I've put me in the crap for lieing in the first place . But I lied cus you guessed it I didnt want her to know . Even though I new if they got to a point of growing they would show . I am an idiot. 

[Susan R]

OK, @Katetrue...so you made a mistake. You couldn’t have known the ramifications of a tiny fib. What it meant to her was probably much more than you thought it would be if she found out what you were doing. Please don’t beat yourself up. We all make mistakes in life. I lied by omission my entire marriage about my previous life and who I really was inside. It happens. I thought there was no hope and that turned out to not be true at all.

 

Your wife could possibly be striking back by bringing up the divorce with her hardline initial reaction. It’s a common defense mechanism especially when finding out about something being done secretly behind their back. Don’t lose hope just yet. Delaying any severe reaction by your wife is critical at this point. You did well to come clean about why you kept it from her and continue to try to communicate clearly what was going on when you decided to hide the truth. Ask for her forgiveness for the lie. Try to convey that this is not how you are with any other part of your relationship. Trust is a painfully slow thing to build back but it can be done. Ask her what she would like from you and let her know you will work hard to make the changes if she will work with you.  If she stay upset, ask her to at least give it some time before making any harsh decisions or do something rash like exposing any of this with others as she suggested. Also, If you are not in counseling with her you might try to open a dialogue about doing that with her if she would be willing to go with you.

 

It a tough place you’re in but I wish you the best these upcoming weeks. I really feel for you and hope you can patch things eventually.

 

My Best,

Susan R?

[Katetrue]

Thank you Susan although this is not the first time I've lied about something to do with trans issues before and so I'm not in a good place . The thing is it's hard to talk to someone who doesn't understand and doesn't want to understand why I am the way I am . But we will see what happens. 

 

 

Kate xx

[Susan R]

23 minutes ago, Katetrue said:

this is not the first time I've lied about something to do with trans issues before and so I'm not in a good place .

OK, I guess you’ll have to come up with a plan to change this issue somehow.   You are in a much more difficult place than I thought. Time and communication are almost your only hope at this point. Try to bargain for more time and use it communicate how you can change things. Then convince your wife you really mean you’ll follow though because without trust, the relationship is only skin deep and there goes the hope.

[Elizabeth Star]

I agree with Susan, communication  is key but it is a two-way street. From my experience it's hard to explain something like this to someone who has already decided on their feelings and beliefs before the conversation even starts. When I came out to my partner last year all she would say is "NO". You are not, you will not, don't even think about it, that's not who I married. The initial shock to her was horrifying. Her whole world had just ended. Then, without her knowledge I start hormone therapy. I though I would at least have a couple months to figure out how I would tell her. I was wrong things started developing after 6 weeks. I was out of time and she had noticed.  I did find the strength to start using my words. By this time my words were worthless to her. I was trying to use words to convince her of what a great wife I will be but still wasn't getting off the couch when things needed to be done. So one I got up, turned off the television and started doing the "wifely" things. I started showing her who I am and realized I like it. I would have never ever though I was destined to be a housewife but here I am. Things have gotten a lot better since then and we can talk again. Trust can be a hard thing to redeem when your told your words are meaningless but actions do speak louder.

 

 

 

[KayC]

9 hours ago, Katetrue said:

Anyway it's one thing that my wife said I couldn't do . So I lied and I know I shouldn't of

Hi Kate.  I can feel your pain from all the way across the ocean.  I am so sorry this conflict with your wife is piling on to your dysphoria.
Having issues with my wife's acceptance also, I totally understand the position your are in.  Not wanting to upset her (so feeling the need to keep secrets) but also with such a strong need to move forward.
This issue came up in my recent therapy session, and my therapist reminded me that if I want to keep my relationship with my wife on solid footing, I cannot use half-truths and deception .. that is a shaky foundation for a marriage.

I was going back over your previous posts, and I know this has been an ongoing struggle for both of you.  It could be that these are basic relationship issues of control and trust .  For some couples this issues stem from financial insecurity, drug/alcohol abuse, infedelity .. For you, they just so happen to be connected to your gender dysphoria.
Is there any way you can seek couples therapy/counseling as an option to save your marriage?  If your wife is not willing, then there is not much else you can do.  It really takes two.

But, as @Susan R said, time and communication are your only hope. 

Going back to your previous posts, at some point, both of you will need to understand that your dysphoria is not your fault, and its not a selfish act.  For you its an act of survival.  And if you and your wife (both) can come to that acceptance, then there is a chance you can make it together.  But, it will take both of you.

Deep breaths ... deep breaths, Kate.  We're all here for you.

Hugs❤️

[Heather Shay]

@Katetrue hang in there. I can't add anything these ladies haven't just to say I too wish the best for you and I am here for you ANYTIME you need to talk.

[Lee H]

HI Katetrue

Maybe you could ask her to be more specific about why she feels that way, what are the issues with her? If you and she could understand the specifics of her problems with your transitioning, and your problems with not transitioning, perhaps they could be worked on individually and gradually. 

 

I think it's fair for both of you to respect the other's feelings, but that has to go both ways, doesn't it? She's saying she can not accept your transitioning, due to whatever emotions she has shouted at you. But would she be willing to listen to you saying [in a quieter voice] the reasons you can not pretend to be male, due to your gender dysphoria.  

 

I imagine for her, it must be a feeling like "everything is wrong." If there is love and a desire to be with the other person, could that give you both a place to stand to work on the rest? If she considers appearances and avoiding difficult explanations to have a higher priority in her life than continuing to have you as her mate, it might be a losing cause.

 

Splitting the sheets is a miserable time for almost everyone who does it; nevertheless, it is very common. It's smart to agree about your property division rather than paying big chunks of it to the lawyers [solicitors and barristers there, I guess?] to run up their billable hours arguing about your respective resentments. It sounds like you don't have any kids, and that is very good news in this context. Much, much simpler.

 

I wish you the very best of luck, Katetrue, and a peaceful heart.

~~Big hug from Leah ~~

 

 

 

 

[Katetrue]

Thank you so much to you all for all your comments and help and support. 

I do have kids all of three girls but they are all grown up . But one is still living at home .

Me and the wife have patched things up 

But a lot of things were said as they usually are like I'm selfish cus I have clothes makup and I get to go out now and again. So me wanting boobs and looking at things is me being selfish . Even though I work provide and do jobs .but I'm selfish .

She asked me what I wanted and I said boobs but to be honest I want to transition.  And trust is a big thing and a big issue with a marriage .so I need to tell her and approach that . Or at least tell her that's how I feel .

 

 

 

Kate xx

 

[Jackie C.]

32 minutes ago, Katetrue said:

She asked me what I wanted and I said boobs but to be honest I want to transition.  And trust is a big thing and a big issue with a marriage .so I need to tell her and approach that . Or at least tell her that's how I feel .

 

Then you should tell her that. Like the other girls said, open and honest communication. Don't raise your voice, just explain what's going on with you and the ramifications either way.

 

Also, sweetie, don't use herbals. They're dangerous. You should only transition under the supervision of a doctor who knows how HRT works. Using herbals (if they work at all for you, it's kind of a crapshoot), can damage your health and impact your ability to transition safely later.

 

Again, like everybody else said, we're here if you need to talk. We're very good at being supportive. We've been in the vicinity of where you are and understand your issues.

 

Hugs!

[Lee H]

Hi Katetrue. Things are looking up. That's great.

For whatever it's worth, one of my biggest -- the biggest, in fact -- goals is the emotional changes I believe come with HRT. To become able to think, feel, react, empathize, sympathize with a more feminine outlook on life and other people. I like feeling close to the sisters on this site rather than the old need to denigrate them because "that's how men are supposed to react." To cooperate, not compete. To feel concern for your situation, not, "Well, it's not my problem." And so on....

I don't know if this might help at all in your situation, but for me, it's about much more than just boobs, as nice as they feel in a bra. It's about heart, too. Maybe your wife might like that ....

Again, good luck and best wishes....

~~Leah~~

[Ivy]

2 hours ago, Leah said:

For whatever it's worth, one of my biggest -- the biggest, in fact -- goals is the emotional changes I believe come with HRT. To become able to think, feel, react, empathize, sympathize with a more feminine outlook on life and other people.

I think this is true for me as well.  Even if I never do "pass" exactly, I want to feel as a woman inside.

[KayC]

Hi @Katetrue!  I am the same as @Leah and @Jandi.  The emotional changes of HRT and feeling my emotional femininity is supported by how I feel inside (instead of constantly battling the "T" monster) would be the greatest benefit.  And I think would improve my outlook and relationships. 

Boobs are just the "bonus"?❣️
I do have to garner wife's support first though if we are going to stay together.  So, I do understand some of your obstacles.

 

[Katetrue]

Thank you so much to you all for all your comments and help and support. 

You all have wise things to say and I totally agree that it's not just boobs that makes a woman so I can totally relate to that . And what your saying .And it makes perfect sence .

 

We had a massive bust up at the weekend and one of the things that was said was that my one daughter had said she was scared for life knowing that I was the way I am . And I didnt know that she had said that . And it's like it's my fault I am the way I am . And that's not the case . So I now feel knowing that she said that Like an outsider now. and I dont belong anywhere.  You know what I mean . Something that is beyond my control . I feel I'm being blamed for .

And know I dont blame her for thinking that but it hurts knowing that is how she realy thinks about me . Cus I didnt know that was how she felt in her words .

 

So where do I go from hear being in a place I'm not sure i belong anywhere now . And that hurts . Even though that's obviously how she probably feels .

 

 

 

 

Love Kate xx

 

[KayC]

1 hour ago, Katetrue said:

one of the things that was said was that my one daughter had said she was scared for life knowing that I was the way I am . And I didnt know that she had said that . And it's like it's my fault I am the way I am . And that's not the case

Hi Kate.
Yes, I can understand how painful that must be for you.  I hope you can have a quiet talk with your daughter to explain what gender dysphoria is and to understand its just the way you/we are.   Maybe if she is a Lady Gaga fan you can play Born This Way for her ?

 

I think the biggest fear for children is when the household and marriage is in turmoil, for whatever reason, and they may want to blame one of the parents.  That was my experience as a child and I think it affected me and supplanted a need for reassurance via intimacy.  This has followed me my whole life.
So, the best thing for your daughter might be to know and observe that you and your wife care about each other and are working together to accept each other.  I think your daughter will be relieved and not see your gender dysphoria as a threat to the family, but something you need to work through to be happier, and that will make your family stronger.

Sorry, I don't like to sound like I am giving advice.  But I am just trying to see the situation through your daughters eyes.

Happy things settled down a bit.  That's progress❣️

 

[Katetrue]

Thank you Kayc

My daughter is old enough to make up her own mind at 20 . And she doesnt like the fact that I am the way I am .

But I cant change the way I am . So it's one of those things I guess .

 

But I feel like I dont belong in this family and feel like an outsider . You know what I mean .

 

 

 

Kate xx

 

[Heather Shay]

@Katetrue I came out to a young woman who is like a daughter to me. I thought she was good with my transition. She contacted my wife as she was having a hard time dealing with it. I had neglected to tell my wife that she knew and that caused some hurt feelings. I've hid myself so long it is hard to share all of what I'm doing with my wife but I have to and I know the stages of grieving will come to everyone you know. Some will be accepting and others won't. That is another burden we have. We didn't ask for this condition but some won't or can't accept it. I guess it's true about pruning. Sometimes you have to prune in order to grow.