Fear, anxiety, panic

[Billy]

Does anyone have tips on how to handle reoccurring fear / anxiety related to being trans? I am so full of fear which keeps me from finding myself and my trans way. This is partly related to my relationship and my kids as I feel very responsible and guilty of being about to cause a breakup. I feel completely torn apart between my transness and my family. I am unable to find a solution but also find it very hard to bear the current state. Many thanks. PS: I am already in therapy and the issue is that I am not able to "sit" with such unease. 

[Heather Shay]

Step 1 - you've identified the problem - can't do anything about a problem until you identify it.

Step 2 - breathe

Step 3 - now that you know what is causing the fear and anxiety - disarm it - as you do - the fear and anxiety will lessen each time it comes

Step 4 - forgive yourself - you didn't ask to be trans 

Step 5 - Talk with your therapist - if you don't feel the therapist is doing you good - find one you feel good with - that's why they are there

Step 6 - Realize everyone is different and the only one you can control is YOU - feel good about you - heal yourself

Step 7 - Love yourself - once you do you'll be able to love others weaknesses

Step 8 - Relax and know you aren't alone and have friends HERE to talk to

Step 9 - Accept and embrace your unique challenges

Step 10 - Repeat Steps 1-9 frequently and as needed.

[Ivy]

Looks like good advice from Shay.

 

2 hours ago, Billy said:

Does anyone have tips on how to handle reoccurring fear / anxiety related to being trans? I am so full of fear which keeps me from finding myself and my trans way.

 

I can certainly identify with this.  For a long time I was so afraid of confronting this part of me that if the subject even came up anywhere I would flee as fast and far as possible.  It just made me extremely uncomfortable.  I wasn't even sure why.  I suppose my subconscious was trying to get my attention.

[Billy]

Many thanks for your advice. I will try to follow the above steps. You are great, thank you! 

[Billy]

It has now gotten worse at home. My relationship is officially at risk now. My wife and I are barely talking. She says I need to figure out who I am, then tell her and then she will decide if she comes along. I feel like I am frozen. Like I am unable to move at all. I feel totally numb. How can I possibly move on. I want to take control of my life but not if this comes at the cost of causing my family to break up. This is not a decision I can make - between being trans and finding my way and my family. I need both. Has anyone found a way of solving this? 

[Susan R]

2 hours ago, Billy said:

My wife and I are barely talking.

Billy, It is very hard to make progress in a relationship if this above quote doesn’t change. If I was in this situation, I would make this my point of focus and top priority.  You might tell her how important it is to you that, at minimum, the lines of communication remain open. Keep calm and talk to her in a reassuring manner that you love her despite anything and how much you need her. Maybe with time, some compromise can be reach. It will take time. It is a loss in her mind and she needs assurance that this is not the case. If she could get into therapy, like yourself, they might be the bridge your relationship needs. They might be able to reach her in a way you alone can not.

 

I hope for the best,

Susan R?

[Heather Shay]

@Billy Susan is right. Keep the communication lines open and assure her of your love and hopefully given time she will pass through the stages she has to go through as well to reach acceptance.

Mental Hugs 

Shay

[Billy]

Thank you both! 

Thing is that I am sort of going through my second puberty right now including that I am not sure who I am and who I am attracted to which has obviously made it worse (just in my head and also for my wife as I stupidly told her things that are going on in my head without enough filtering as I keep being overwhelmed by myself). I am not the kind of person who cheats or has one night stands, never have been. But there is a lot of trust that needs to be rebuilt on both sides. And I am afraid of the things that a might continue to find out about myself. But my wife is the most important person in my life. So I am not so sure what to tell her - maybe that I hope we can find a channel of communication and closeness that is good for both of us and that I miss her? 

[Heather Shay]

@Billy you have just answered your own question. Tell her she is the most important person in your life. I think you are on HRT right. If so be honest and say you are going through a lot and you are scared. That is only being human. I am on HRT and my wife said she didn't know how she would react if I chose to fully transition. As I progress the more I want to present as a woman and go full transition but I am taking it slow with her and realizing she needs to go through the stages of grief and neither of us signed up for what each of us must go through and never asked for. But it is what it is and I am seeing therapist and at some point I am sure she will be asked to come with and solo.  I am trying to be entirely honest and communicate organically without forcing it and planting good seeds and showing her how important she is to me. I hope you are talking to a therapist and you know you have a wonderful support group here. There are many like @Susan R who commented above who have been in your place and give wise advice from experience. Also you might check out Jackie Rabbit videos on YouTube. She has several about what went wrong in her handling of things with her now former wife and her advice how to deal with the one you love so much.

I will be thinking good thoughts for you and her,

Heather Shay

[KayC]

7 hours ago, Billy said:

This is not a decision I can make - between being trans and finding my way and my family.

Hi Billy
I was feeling exactly how you were a couple of months ago.  Therapy was a BIG help in settling my anxieties and moving me toward self-acceptance.  That has settled down my relationship with my wife .. but we still have a long way to go.
I don't have any specific advice for you ... if your therapist is not working for you, find another therapist, and find a better way you can attend sessions more often.
Give your wife and yourself some time and space to work through this.  It doesn't have to be resolved over night.  This was a big help for me.
You need to reach the Self-Acceptance stage (and let go of the Guilt) at some point.  I have found its really impossible to make progess without that ... and That's only way to be fair to yourself, and fair to wife.  At some point she does need to know .. so she can decide.  My hope is .. she decides to stick with you.

Deep breaths ... Deep breaths ❤️

[Billy]

Thanks, no I am not on HRT. I am at the very early stages. Just came out as Trans this summer. I am to full of panic to explore further who I am which puts me to freeze. This morning my fear was so bad (simply the fear of being inside of me) that I am thinking of putting myself into a clinic. 

We are a rainbow family. I gave birth to both of our kids. This makes ist even harder for me to find my male role or even allow for it to pop up in my brain. But my psychological state has seriously worsened over the last couple of weeks. I am barely getting through the day. I am not sure what to do.... 

 

[Heather Shay]

If you haven't seen a therapist please do so. Psychology today. Website can't give psychologist in your area. At least see a family doctor. I am on setraline A generic Zoloft and the panic anxiety depression was really helped by it. Your doctor might recommend something else but a little help wouldn't hurt. If youdont have doctor then a nurse practitioner at a walk in clinic could also help to keep costs down.

Seek help. And know you have support here as well. We have been through similar things and know it ain't easy.

[Billy]

Thanks, Shay. I am already taking a very low dose anxiety blocker during the day but I will increase the dose. I also received some Trans friendly counseling today. 

I find it very difficult to get through the day with the knowledge that my situation is not going to improve in the short run but only over a long period of time. 

I have a telephone interview with my nearest psychosomatic clinic on Monday ( I live in Europe, so my insurance pays for this). However, the waiting list is 1 to 6 weeks. 

In any case, I need to find a way to survive with my transness somehow. But I do not know how I can make myself feel better in daily life? I find it so hard to be within myself. 

I am seeing a trans friendly therapist this Friday. 

[KayC]

On 9/16/2020 at 9:00 PM, Billy said:

I am seeing a trans friendly therapist this Friday. 

That's great, Billy!  hoping this session goes really well for you.  Keep us posted if you can❣️

[Heather Shay]

@Billy great I know you are headed in the right direction and with the right attitude. None of us asked for the issue we face and know you have all the support and love we can give you?as you continue your journey.

[Billy]

Thanks to you both. So the therapist meeting today went well. But as this specialist one is not part of the public health insurance scheme I will have to do a bit of running around, getting docs together and then wait for a few months before I can hopefully start therapy ?

I started drawing which helps. 

But I am still not really functioning... 

Well, one day after the other.