What am I supposed to do now?

[Abi]

Hi,

    I have been slowly letting some of the more important people in my life know about how I've been feeling for so many years. I have studied this moment from every angle. I have been working through self doubt and trying to build my confidence for a long time. I have a lot of you to thank for that. Just seeing how each of us deals with things in our own way has given me a lot to think about as I step cautiously into the light. I have evolved from blurting out that I am a woman and ruining a long standing friendship to a place that feels much more confident and decisive for my sake, as well as considerate of the feelings of the people I love. This has also given me a lot of time to think about how each person I tell has and will be affected over time. That's unpredictable at best in my opinion. I made so many ignorant assumptions about how a few of my closest family members would deal with this. Fear most certainly kept me from coming out decades ago. My worry is not really about how I will be treated by them. I am far more concerned with how comfortable they are than my own feelings being respected and supported. I have gotten very good at just keeping my mouth shut. 

    So now I have a situation that I honestly am unsure on. I was speaking to my father. I was telling him about how I feel I need some legal advice regarding how coming out will affect my ability to see my kids. I try to sign most emails to official business matters with only a last name typically. When I mentioned this, he said something I was not prepared for. He asked me if the way he addresses me was upsetting and if so what would I prefer to be called. I am quite unsure about how to approach that answer. I have tried many names on over the years. I really love the name Abigail, Abi for short, it's the one that felt best over the years but, I am afraid to commit myself to any one name. I do not want to tell anyone to call me by one name and then suddenly change my mind about that and cause more confusion along the way. That is hardly going to be helpful for the situation. I told him to talk with my mother about how any change of name would really make them feel and we could discuss it some other time. That was the best answer I could give without being uncertain or getting too ahead of myself.

    I need some ideas or thoughts on how other people have approached this and how that may or may not have worked out along the way. It may seem trivial, compared to everything else we all go through but, I want to feel confident in my decisions. This made me doubt myself very heavily. Is my lack of commitment a sign I am not ready to transition? Should I just give a name and not put any thought behind it? What about the feelings of my family? Should I ask for name ideas from them? I am super lost on this. Is there an etiquette to how this should be done? I really can't recall seeing anyone else's writing about their feelings on this. 

 

Thanks for any advice or thoughts that you may share,

Abi?

[DonkeySocks]

1 hour ago, Abi said:

I have tried many names on over the years. I really love the name Abigail, Abi for short, it's the one that felt best over the years but, I am afraid to commit myself to any one name. I do not want to tell anyone to call me by one name and then suddenly change my mind about that and cause more confusion along the way.

I think you could tell your father this, just as you wrote it here.

 

Now that the topic has been brought up, could you find out what your parents like for girls' names, something they might have chosen for you? I don't think there's any reason to rush into it. People give a lot of time and thought to names.

 

I'm not in exactly the same situation, but I know a little of what this feels like, the confusion and embarrassment. I'm a trans man, but I really love my feminine given name, and I'm not out to everyone. So when I come out to someone close to me and they want to support me, and want to know what to call me, and whether I want to only be known by my nickname, I feel uncomfortable. I worry that in a way I'm not supporting them in their attempts to support me. When people want to do everything right, I feel as if I should have the answers for them, and it's confusing to say that I love my name. I don't know what to do if I transition so that I'm out to everyone--people would be very confused by my name. So I understand a little of what this is like.

[Abi]

2 hours ago, DonkeySocks said:

When people want to do everything right, I feel as if I should have the answers for them, and it's confusing to say that I love my name.

I can relate to that too. I have no hatred of my given name. I just won't want that name when the time comes that I am fully out and making the major changes I need. My mother used to tell me the names she loved most if I had been born a female. I'm not sure I want those names or even that she would expect me to choose one to make her happy either. It is hard to tell someone about how you're feeling if your own position seems as uncertain as my own is here. Also, it's nice to meet you Socks. Thank you for your thoughts on this.

[DonkeySocks]

2 hours ago, Abi said:

Also, it's nice to meet you Socks.

Nice to meet you, too!

[KathyLauren]

4 hours ago, Abi said:

I really love the name Abigail, Abi for short, it's the one that felt best over the years but, I am afraid to commit myself to any one name.

 

If Abi is the name you have preferred for years, what could make you change your mind about it?  Are you worried that you will suddenly hate the name Abi?  I'd say that's not likely to happen if you have liked it for years.  Are you worried that a better one might come along?  So what if it does?  You could either keep the name you've loved for years, or you could change it again to the better one. 

 

You know why I picked my name?  I wanted a name that looked on paper like my old name.  Weird, eh?  My old name was Keith, and I decided that Kathy would look the most similar.  I decided that years ago, before I even realized that I was trans.  So when it came time to pick a feminine name, Kathy was already in my mind.  I thought about it for a while: I couldn't see myself as an Amanda or a Jessica, but I could definitely see myself as a Kathy.  So I went with it.  If my feelings change, I'll deal with it.  And if I hear another name that sounds pretty, I'll just tell the person, "That's a pretty name".  I don't have to have it for myself.

[SaraAW]

Abi, many trans folks try on several names until they find one that fits. Some of us just know. It's different for all of us. I picked mine because it is a name I have always liked. I didn't consult anyone, I just started using it online, when it felt right I started asking people to call me by that name. I sent my papers in last week for the official name change request. So Sara was in use online for about 1 year and in person unofficially for about 2 months before I knew for sure it was it.

[Jacqui]

@Abi, your name is a very personal thing, so I wouldn't put choosing it in the hands of others.  If you love "Abi" and have thought it felt good for years, I'd go with it.

 

I approached the same problem in a logical way.  I looked at one of those "1000 names for your baby with associated meanings" websites. Jacqueline means "the supplanter", the same as my male name, so I went with it. Plus the initial is the same as my male name (which preserves monograms).  Plus it's so French and feminine (hey, logic takes you only so far).

[Rowan.]

Hi there,

 

I tried a few different things along the way to find my name. One of the less-fruitful, but still fun was to create a descendant tree on ancestry.com and pick from one of these names. Unfortunately, I did not like any of them, though. This was a few years back.

 

The next name related idea I has was "Mia". It just came to me one day while I was crossing the street. I like that it only has three letters and two syllables but after experiencing "Mia" in my head for months and imaging what it would be like to ask someone to call me by this name, I came to came to see how it was not right for me. In my opinion, it was too feminine. My dead name was too masculine. I knew by this experience that I wanted something that was more gender-neutral.

 

Another factor that was important in my decision making was that I didn't want to appropriate culture. Therefore, I limited my pool of names to those that showed up in my genealogy report.

 

Perhaps that most important aspect of choice, was to pick a name that I liked hearing. A name that I wanted to answer to.

 

After considering all this "Rowan" was just there, with love.

 

I really like what Socks wrote above and agree that being honest with your parents and telling them your thoughts and feelings about your name can help them to understand where you are.

[Elizabeth Star]

I also tried on several names in my head. When I though of a name I would like to use, I though through everyone I had ever met, facebook friends, TV shows, every angle I could think of. I had so many bouncing around inside my head. I just couldn't decide. When scheduling an appointment, I was asked if I had a preferred name, Elizabeth just came out. I might hear a name I like better but you know, I didn't a choice for my given name so I will stick with my new name. Elizabeth, My God is an oath.

[ValerieRun]

@Abi, there is nothing unusual in continuing to use your current name. However, at some point, it might become quite "strange" to use name heavily associated with one gender when you present the opposite.

Even though I was "test-driving" my name around friends for almost 6 months before I changed it legally, hearing it officially still gives me a rush of emotions ?

As for changing your mind later, you can always adopt another name as your middle name, or an alias and just get everyone used to it over time.

Name does not define who you are, but it anchors the feeling of a change.

[Abi]

8 hours ago, KathyLauren said:

Are you worried that you will suddenly hate the name Abi?

It is kind of the opposite of this Kathy. I love every name. I just get worried I will cause my friends and family more grief than I already know this may cause them. Thank you for sharing how you picked your name. 

[Abi]

8 hours ago, SaraAW said:

I sent my papers in last week for the official name change request.

That's really awesome! You must be really excited. 

[Abi]

7 hours ago, Jacqui said:

If you love "Abi" and have thought it felt good for years, I'd go with it.

I know that Abi makes me feel good. I looked up the meaning when I was trying to pick a name a long time ago. Abigail means "joy of the father". I'm not so sure I'm bringing anybody joy at the moment but, I'm trying not to look down on myself for being insecure. It's a persistent battle within me. Thank you.

[DonkeySocks]

1 hour ago, Abi said:

I just get worried I will cause my friends and family more grief than I already know this may cause them.

Don't worry. My younger sister has a common, long feminine name with various common nicknames. Many years ago, she asked the family to change the nickname she'd had since birth. It took a lot of training, people slipped up all the time, but she stuck to it because she really preferred the new nickname. An aunt who only saw her once a year still called her by the old nickname, not out of any malice, but because it just takes practice. People you don't see as often need more time.

 

This ended up sounding like an irrelevant story about my family, but what I mean to say is, name changes aren't exclusive to trans individuals. You and your family can figure it out!

[Abi]

7 hours ago, Rowan. said:

Perhaps that most important aspect of choice, was to pick a name that I liked hearing. A name that I wanted to answer to.

I really like this statement. It really seems like it should be my first consideration. I have not been called by my name out loud by anyone. I know whenever I hear someone else say the name in public, I instinctively turn to see who said it. Thank you so much.

[Abi]

5 hours ago, ElizabethStar said:

When scheduling an appointment, I was asked if I had a preferred name, Elizabeth just came out.

I think that Elizabeth is a beautiful name but it is too close for me to use myself. I have a couple different family members that are named Elizabeth. I chose a name that no one in my family has ever had. 

[Abi]

5 hours ago, RunValRun said:

Name does not define who you are, but it anchors the feeling of a change.

I have been grasping for any anchor to reality I could get my hands on for quite a while. If it was up to me this would be a conversation about a time in the past.  

[Abi]

2 hours ago, DonkeySocks said:

People you don't see as often need more time.

This would be virtually everyone for me. I have no one except for my children near me. I have an intense amount of fear going out in public. I have been this way a long time. The pandemic and a brutal ex just pushed me to seek solitude. I am not complaining though. I have a lot of hobbies that I stay focused on.

[Rowan.]

3 hours ago, Abi said:

I know whenever I hear someone else say the name in public, I instinctively turn to see who said it.

 

Wow! This is such a cool experience. I'm a little jealous to be honest.

 

3 hours ago, Abi said:

I have not been called by my name out loud by anyone.

 

I hadn't up until the point that I started coming out to my friends and a few ex-coworkers. Many of whom used it immediately. After which a giant rainbow appeared over my head and showered me in smiles.

 

3 hours ago, Abi said:

I really like this statement...Thank you so much.

 

You're very welcome  I'm quite flattered that my own experience has been helpful.