Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

Not Happy.


EVAN_DESU

Recommended Posts

Lately I've just been really depressed....I guess I'm feeling a little better now, but that;s only because I'm on a pill.

I graduated on Tuesday morning, and really, it didn't affect me because I can't even really think of anything or concentrate because I just feel blah. I've been depressed since the past three of four years, and this has been the worst. In my past I've cut and bitten myself and other things. The thing that is bothering me most is how no matter how I look at it it seems I'll never be male, I'll never be a man. I'm done being the optimistic person I pretend to be, because whenever I actually try to look forward to something, it always backfires. I know things do eventually get better but...I just don't know. It's summer now and I should be enjoying it, but I can't because what's the use if I'm not happy and I WONT be happy unless I start going somewhere. I haven't even done any type of transitioning at all, which is making me very very depressed. My parents said in mid August before I go back to school I can buy boys clothes and get my hair cut, and I can not wait. It's all I can think about. It's making me HATE summer and want August to come....I want it to come so bad.

I just don't know anymore....

Even then, I probably won;t be happy.

Link to comment

I went to a baseball game on Friday and well, afterwards I got a shirt, which was 75$, and guess what? My chest was too big to fit in it the right way, I swear. I hate my body SO MUCH! I HATE IT MORE THAN ANYTHING! I really really really hate my hips the most.

God, I just wish I could escape.

>.<

Link to comment
Guest Leigh
Lately I've just been really depressed....I guess I'm feeling a little better now, but that;s only because I'm on a pill.

I graduated on Tuesday morning, and really, it didn't affect me because I can't even really think of anything or concentrate because I just feel blah. I've been depressed since the past three of four years, and this has been the worst. In my past I've cut and bitten myself and other things. The thing that is bothering me most is how no matter how I look at it it seems I'll never be male, I'll never be a man. I'm done being the optimistic person I pretend to be, because whenever I actually try to look forward to something, it always backfires. I know things do eventually get better but...I just don't know. It's summer now and I should be enjoying it, but I can't because what's the use if I'm not happy and I WONT be happy unless I start going somewhere. I haven't even done any type of transitioning at all, which is making me very very depressed. My parents said in mid August before I go back to school I can buy boys clothes and get my hair cut, and I can not wait. It's all I can think about. It's making me HATE summer and want August to come....I want it to come so bad.

I just don't know anymore....

Even then, I probably won;t be happy.

Hey man,

trust me, we all know how you feel when you say it seems like it's never gonna happen.

and all we can do is keep pushing forward. set goals, you're still very young, think of where you want to go to transition (when your able) and work toward that goal.

it's good that your parents are letting you get mens clothes before next school year, it's a step in the right direction.

remember, transition isn't the magical fix, if there are other things in your life that are preventing you from being happy, work on them so that when you can live as yourself you can live the fullest life possible.

keep us updated

peace&love

Leigh

Link to comment
Guest Neuro

Misaki-kun, I know exactly where you're coming from. ;_;

There is so much horribleness in the world, especially for transgender people. I know that I am in a similar mood of despair right now and thus not very good to be encouraging, but if you want to talk I have a few years of experience of getting by under my belt if you just want to talk to someone who has been there, too.

It is hard to pretend to be positive, in fact; I am as negative as the 'despair teacher' in 'Sayonarra, Zetsubou Sensei' (Goodbye, Despair Teacher) right now. How can we actually become what we desire? Is it possible? The only way I can comprehend is: Surgery and testosterone. Both are expensive, and most parents will not accept it (god knows mine won't). But there is one thing that can help:

Determination.

The determination to gain independence and money and respect and a true name--you are the only person who can give that to you! Therapists and hospitals can help, I am seeing both very shortly... but it is ultimately up to your determination to become what you desire. In the future, surgery can be limitless with new procedures discovered every day.

Good things will always carry bad things that backfire. In my experience. But you are a good person that I care about, I can tell from the few conversations we exchanged. You deserve happiness. If there is anything I or any of the members here can do for you, feel more than free to ask!! ;__; treasure!

--Michael

Link to comment
Hey man,

trust me, we all know how you feel when you say it seems like it's never gonna happen.

and all we can do is keep pushing forward. set goals, you're still very young, think of where you want to go to transition (when your able) and work toward that goal.

it's good that your parents are letting you get mens clothes before next school year, it's a step in the right direction.

remember, transition isn't the magical fix, if there are other things in your life that are preventing you from being happy, work on them so that when you can live as yourself you can live the fullest life possible.

keep us updated

peace&love

Leigh

Yeah, I guess.

Theres other aspects in my life that are preventing happiness. <_<

I need to work on them.

Link to comment
Misaki-kun, I know exactly where you're coming from. ;_;

There is so much horribleness in the world, especially for transgender people. I know that I am in a similar mood of despair right now and thus not very good to be encouraging, but if you want to talk I have a few years of experience of getting by under my belt if you just want to talk to someone who has been there, too.

It is hard to pretend to be positive, in fact; I am as negative as the 'despair teacher' in 'Sayonarra, Zetsubou Sensei' (Goodbye, Despair Teacher) right now. How can we actually become what we desire? Is it possible? The only way I can comprehend is: Surgery and testosterone. Both are expensive, and most parents will not accept it (god knows mine won't). But there is one thing that can help:

Determination.

The determination to gain independence and money and respect and a true name--you are the only person who can give that to you! Therapists and hospitals can help, I am seeing both very shortly... but it is ultimately up to your determination to become what you desire. In the future, surgery can be limitless with new procedures discovered every day.

Good things will always carry bad things that backfire. In my experience. But you are a good person that I care about, I can tell from the few conversations we exchanged. You deserve happiness. If there is anything I or any of the members here can do for you, feel more than free to ask!! ;__; treasure!

--Michael

Ah, thanks Neuro.

I saw your post about the hospitalization, but didn't reply because I'm horrible at advice and making people feel better. >.<

I have determination, lots of it I think, but my negative attitude towards most things takes over. Ugh, I was hoping maybe if I lose some weight (which is my main goal this summer) that I'd lose my curves and my chest, but I don't know. I really want to lose about 20-25 pounds but I dunno if that's gonna happen.

Sorry I don't have much more to say, I'm kind of zoned out.

>.<

Link to comment
Guest 1charlotte1
I went to a baseball game on Friday and well, afterwards I got a shirt, which was 75$, and guess what? My chest was too big to fit in it the right way, I swear. I hate my body SO MUCH! I HATE IT MORE THAN ANYTHING! I really really really hate my hips the most.

God, I just wish I could escape.

>.<

I'm sorry things r crappy right now. :,( I hope things go right where u want them to in the future!!! The greatest pain for me is the waiting. I havnt even told my parents and it's kinda eating away at my soul, I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I understand where ur coming from, but what makes u who u r is not the best times in ur life, it is the worst. I have noticed that the times where I am the most miserable are the times that helped me be who I am. May ur misery pass quickly and beautifully

Signed, neko-chan

Link to comment
Guest Neuro

It's alright Misaki, I am awful at advice too!! So amny people on here with troubles, all I can do is pray silently from behind the keyboard or wish on stars (the few I can see in the polluted ghetto).

B-But you are one of my first-ever friends on here, so I had to try to cheer you up somehow!! *showers in doramaz*

You don't look like you weigh too much from the pictures you have up, but exercize helps a lot. The majority of it is cardio, not dieting (though cutting back on some less-than-healthy foods help). The first place most people actually lose weight is in chest or hips, so things like lifting weights even if they are just bookbags or doing pullups on a stairwell can help a lot!

It might seem hard at first, like when I was at A-KON and was wailing at moving one box down and escalator... but it gets easier after the pain subsides. And then its so refreshing, to know you have control over a goal! OH MY GOD MY ARMS HAVE ONE MUSCLE NOW, THEY ARE A TINY BIT THICKER *spazz*

Small stuff works great.

The key is finding something positive to outweigh negative. I dunno what it could be, because I am still searching m'self... but if you are zoned out, go ahead and sleep or watch TV (Okane Ga Nai wh00t) something calm and easy, yeah~ I think G4 is covering a big convention right now, that might be fun o3o E3 or something? man I am outta it too ffffff.

My long reply is long gomen ne.

Link to comment
It's alright Misaki, I am awful at advice too!! So amny people on here with troubles, all I can do is pray silently from behind the keyboard or wish on stars (the few I can see in the polluted ghetto).

B-But you are one of my first-ever friends on here, so I had to try to cheer you up somehow!! *showers in doramaz*

You don't look like you weigh too much from the pictures you have up, but exercize helps a lot. The majority of it is cardio, not dieting (though cutting back on some less-than-healthy foods help). The first place most people actually lose weight is in chest or hips, so things like lifting weights even if they are just bookbags or doing pullups on a stairwell can help a lot!

It might seem hard at first, like when I was at A-KON and was wailing at moving one box down and escalator... but it gets easier after the pain subsides. And then its so refreshing, to know you have control over a goal! OH MY GOD MY ARMS HAVE ONE MUSCLE NOW, THEY ARE A TINY BIT THICKER *spazz*

Small stuff works great.

The key is finding something positive to outweigh negative. I dunno what it could be, because I am still searching m'self... but if you are zoned out, go ahead and sleep or watch TV (Okane Ga Nai wh00t) something calm and easy, yeah~ I think G4 is covering a big convention right now, that might be fun o3o E3 or something? man I am outta it too ffffff.

My long reply is long gomen ne.

Thanks. ^^

Yeah, but I DO weigh a lot.

If I lost 20 pounds, I'd be 129, let's just say that. >.>

Plus, being short doesn't help.

Eh hopefully my teeth will work with me on this.

I have two cavities I think and am going to the dentist for the first time because of money problems hopefully this week or the begining of next.

So I'm trying to cut back on sweets, my favorite. xD (I feel like Hunny from Ouran)

Anyways yeah, I was watching E3 earlier because my art teacher was talking about it the other day so I decided to check it out. They were talkin' bout Final Fantasy 13. Then I kinda got a little bored....Plus, I didn't feel well so I layed down.

This morning I woke up crying(for about two and a half hours straight >.<) because of horrible cramps, just another stupid reminder. Yeah, I guess I should go to bed, though I want to watch Tv...But I lost my remote. >.< I'm a baka!~

Blah blah blah I talk to much, somebody shut me up!

>.<

Link to comment
Guest Neuro

SNAP cramps suck to the five-thousandth degree of failiure!!!! D8< They are the first thing I would rejoice losing as a man, fo sho. Su much pain ffffffffff

NYUUUUU you not bein' baka, mon poyo. No need for requesting of shutting up, I dunno what's on TV though I've just been kinda drawing and garbage all day =w= *flips on channels*

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   3 Members, 0 Anonymous, 95 Guests (See full list)

    • Mirrabooka
    • MaybeRob
    • Abigail Genevieve
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.8k
    • Total Posts
      770.2k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      12,095
    • Most Online
      8,356

    MossycupMolly
    Newest Member
    MossycupMolly
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Carli05
      Carli05
    2. CharlotteD89
      CharlotteD89
      (35 years old)
    3. JamieL
      JamieL
    4. Jenny
      Jenny
      (71 years old)
    5. Katek
      Katek
  • Posts

    • Mirrabooka
      Hmm. Must have been that pesky 'International' word which made me assume that it was well known! I only became aware of it myself last year.   Brief history: May 17th is the day IDAHOBIT is acknowledged as it is the anniversary of when in 1990 the World Health Organization declassified homosexuality as a mental disorder. It was conceived in 2004 and first celebrated in 2005. It has gone on to include trans folk in 2009 and bi folk in 2015.   International Day Against Homophobia, Biphobia and Transphobia - Wikipedia    
    • Maddee
    • Cheyenne skye
      A year and a half post op. I've noticed that once the urge to pee hits, I can only hold it for about 15 minutes or so until it gets to the point where I feel like I'm going to piss myself. I used to be able to hold it a lot longer (as I  remember it).  I know my urethra is a bit shorter now, but I don't think it is enough to account for this. Am I imagining it?
    • Roach
      What a great moment @Vidanjali! It's always so cool knowing people are reading you in a way you want to be seen.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      It's also networking.  Sometimes jobs come along because someone knows someone else - these older people might know someone.  "Hey, Ashley," someone might say,"My nephew is looking for love. He likes tall women. Whatcha think? Can he call you?"   Don't discount their ability to match make.  It is about networking.
    • Ashley0616
    • Ashley0616
      He is simply doing to get more votes. He held a Trump for trans during his first run and found out the majority of his voters were against us so he simply followed the crowd. 
    • Ashley0616
    • Ashley0616
      The sad part is I'm the third oldest member. One is in their 60's and the other is past 70's. I'm even older than the president lol. It's a younger crowd that's for sure. I like to come here to feel young again lol. 
    • Sally Stone
      Ashley, I think searching for relationships are a lot like searching for jobs, they tend to come along when you aren't actually looking.  Perhaps you could step back from actively searching, at least for a little while, and instead, concentrate on just being out and about as yourself.  Like Mae and Abby have already mentioned, just keep up your volunteering, but don't focus on a need to find someone.  Maybe, just maybe, changing your tactics will result in someone finding you.    I do wish only the best for you, and I hope someone comes along who connects with you.
    • MaeBe
    • MaeBe
      First off, you can't regret being honest. You may not be changing the relationship, but it sounds like it still exists!   As for meeting people, what about through the volunteering you're doing? Maybe you can do more of that and meet people. Let some relationships grow and if they blossom into something more than friendship, great! If not, you've got more friends!
    • LittleSam
      Hi Giz, welcome. There's so many different ways to be trans and you're so welcome here. I wish you luck in achieving your goal of being more androgynous. There's forums in here that might suit you and your goals. I look forward to hearing more from you. I go by he/they pronouns at the mo.
    • Lydia_R
      Hello @JenniferB!  Was kind of in the same boat with this.  I spent massive amounts of energy over several decades to try to control my drinking and drug use.  Because I'm highly disciplined, I was ultimately successful.  I felt I could have gone on with controlled drinking for the rest of my life without problems, but it got to the point where I realized that it wasn't worth all the energy I was putting into it.  At that point I found surrender.  I got a sponsor, attended almost daily meetings for a year, worked the steps to the best of my ability, tried my best to socialize with people even though I am an introvert, I made a mess for myself at the meetings and felt a little rejected.  And then I continued on doing a little service work.   After a few months away from it, I'm in a good spot.  I accidentally ate one of my roommates edibles a couple months ago.  I have only smoked a half ounce of weed in the last 20 years.  After it kicked in, I realized that it was a marijuana high.  Then I noticed something miraculous.  I just told myself that there is nothing I can do about it and then got on with the business of the evening like I normally would.  It was like the high just ended right then and there.   Controlled drinking like I was doing was just very risky behavior and not worth the effort for me.  In any case, I'm very happy that I spent my life fighting it all instead of just giving into it.  I think that whatever you put into something, you eventually get back out.   Meetings are cool.  People generally get equal time to share.  Seeing people who are struggling reminds me of the way I was and why I want to remain sober.  And by being there, I have the potential of helping someone else.  The stuff I don't identify with I just do my best to not let bother me.  And if it gets bad there, I don't have to go back.  I can find another meeting or even just read the literature.  The literature helped me a lot.
    • Ladypcnj
      Happiness to me is when I reached a turning point in my life, that I stop worrying what others think about me, and start living my life. 

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...