My coming out story....

[Benji C]

I know I already posted this in a status update but I'm going to take the two coming out statuses and post them here instead.... I'm going to start with my mother and then go to everyone else....

 

This was like at the beginning of quarantine I think... I decided to tell her I was trans... (well I thought I was nonbinary at the time so that's what I told her...) and I was so scared I avoided her for a long time and she eventually told me she wanted to talk to me about it and I put that off but I couldn't avoid it forever... she was kinda confused at first... she just wanted to understand and she told me something I've heard from other parents of trans kids which is like saying they've lost their child cause they've always know you as another gender... and she didnt want me to get bullied...

 

About a month later I decided to ask her to use my name and pronouns... which she refused to.. saying I was going against her beliefs... a little while after that she would argue with me a lot about it... she said it was a mental illness and she thought I didnt have dysphoria and that I was convinced something was wrong with me because of the internet... there was this book that came out that you may or may not know it was called "irreversible damage" and it was about how the author thought that the media is convincing people to be trans and she believed everything that book said... she just kept getting more and more upset about it.... some of the biggest things I remember was she made fun of how I "cringe" whenever she calls me a girl.... and then she told me "I've always told you you can love whoever you love but dont come to me and tell me "oh I identify as a man call me *insert whatever male name she thought of here*" which is what you're doing now..."

 

then we got into a really big fight over about if trump was a good president or not... and I said I didnt like him because he was putting trans peoples rights in danger and she asked "why do you care" and I said because I was trans and then she said "I take issue with how you identify yourself" and was completely convinced it was the internet forcing me and she took my phone and said she would take me out of school if they ever said anything related to gender at all... and then she threatened to kick me out...

 

The next day I had virtual school so I got my computer back and I probably spent the whole day messaging my girlfriend on a website called quotev and I was worried I was never going to be able to talk to her again or that she would kick me out or that my future would be messed up... I was so -censored- scared... she did give me my phone back at the end of the day and said "I'm giving this back to you because of the goodness in my heart but you are my daughter and you're not a boy..." and I have never even thought about talking to her about it since....

 

Coming out to every other person was better then coming out to her...

 

Well the first person who found out was my girlfriend and she found out somehow... and I was really nervous cause we were already dating and at the time she said she was a lesbian so I was worried she wouldn't even like me anymore... but she was very accepting and supportive and still is..?

 

The first person I ever really came out to was my best friend.... I just texted her basically saying I was trans and she was very accepting too....

 

And then I came out to my teacher... and she was also accepting and said she would use my name and pronouns in class if I wanted... but then I felt like I had to come out to another friend who was in that class... so I did and she was accepting but she also outed me to another friend but they were supportive too so I guess its okay... 

 

And yeah...

[Jackie C.]

1 hour ago, Ainsley said:

This was like at the beginning of quarantine I think... I decided to tell her I was trans... (well I thought I was nonbinary at the time so that's what I told her...) and I was so scared I avoided her for a long time and she eventually told me she wanted to talk to me about it and I put that off but I couldn't avoid it forever... she was kinda confused at first... she just wanted to understand and she told me something I've heard from other parents of trans kids which is like saying they've lost their child cause they've always know you as another gender... and she didnt want me to get bullied...

 

That's pretty normal. It can be a shock. We (trans people) hide pretty well thanks to social conditioning. I mean we want to have friends and not be bullied. Kids are brutal. I'm honestly surprised there aren't more news stories about babysitters and preschool teachers getting murdered for their skin. I bet that's why safety scissors are a thing.

Anyway, the "I've lost my child!" crops up a lot. There are usually two conclusions to that. Either the parent realizes, "But I've gained a happy, productive son!" or "And now they won't talk to me at all!" I can't imagine why someone you keep abusing would cut you out of your life. ?

 

1 hour ago, Ainsley said:

About a month later I decided to ask her to use my name and pronouns... which she refused to.. saying I was going against her beliefs... a little while after that she would argue with me a lot about it... she said it was a mental illness and she thought I didnt have dysphoria and that I was convinced something was wrong with me because of the internet... there was this book that came out that you may or may not know it was called "irreversible damage" and it was about how the author thought that the media is convincing people to be trans and she believed everything that book said... she just kept getting more and more upset about it.... some of the biggest things I remember was she made fun of how I "cringe" whenever she calls me a girl.... and then she told me "I've always told you you can love whoever you love but dont come to me and tell me "oh I identify as a man call me *insert whatever male name she thought of here*" which is what you're doing now..."

 

This one is rough to beat. When a parent digs their heels in like this and refuses to budge because it interferes with something they learned WAY back in the day and changing your opinion gets harder for some people as they get older. I like to think I'm still pretty agile, but I know a lot of people that are basically the same as they were thirty years ago. The world changes. You're supposed to change with it.

While she could still be in the "Anger" part of the grieving process, but the part where you cringe when somebody calls you a girl would just break my heart. I absolutely could not do that to somebody I cared about.

I'm confused about the premise of the book though... what would be the end game of trying to convince people that they are trans? It's like the Underpants Gnomes from South Park or a lot of really bad movie plots. OK, sure, you're doing this thing but... why? What would that gain anybody? And the internet? Seriously? If the internet could actually reprogram people we'd already be corporate zombie drones. We'd work for sub-minimum wage and live in closets packed in like French fries. I'm not going to say sardines. I've met one person in my life (my grandfather) who legitimately liked those things. A future where we're sardines is too horrible to contemplate.

 

1 hour ago, Ainsley said:

then we got into a really big fight over about if trump was a good president or not... and I said I didnt like him because he was putting trans peoples rights in danger and she asked "why do you care" and I said because I was trans and then she said "I take issue with how you identify yourself" and was completely convinced it was the internet forcing me and she took my phone and said she would take me out of school if they ever said anything related to gender at all... and then she threatened to kick me out...

 

Warning from your friendly mod. We can't talk about Trump or politics in this part of the forum. We have a separate section for talking about 45 and his administration. You have no idea what it's costing me to keep this warning civil (I really want to rant), so please keep politics to the relevant section.

 

OK, so with that out of the way, if you have somewhere to go maybe being kicked out wouldn't be so bad? I don't know what Florida has by way of CPS or what you have available to you in terms of friends that have families with a heart. This kind of situation is why I have a cousin Jeff. He left a toxic family environment and was adopted and welcomed into the family.

 

1 hour ago, Ainsley said:

The next day I had virtual school so I got my computer back and I probably spent the whole day messaging my girlfriend on a website called quotev and I was worried I was never going to be able to talk to her again or that she would kick me out or that my future would be messed up... I was so -censored- scared... she did give me my phone back at the end of the day and said "I'm giving this back to you because of the goodness in my heart but you are my daughter and you're not a boy..." and I have never even thought about talking to her about it since....

 

This is bad behavior on the part of your mother. I mean obviously. Conditional "love" is never OK. I really wish I I could give you a hug sweetie. It sounds like you needed one.

 

1 hour ago, Ainsley said:

Coming out to every other person was better then coming out to her...

 

Well the first person who found out was my girlfriend and she found out somehow... and I was really nervous cause we were already dating and at the time she said she was a lesbian so I was worried she wouldn't even like me anymore... but she was very accepting and supportive and still is..?

 

The first person I ever really came out to was my best friend.... I just texted her basically saying I was trans and she was very accepting too....

 

And then I came out to my teacher... and she was also accepting and said she would use my name and pronouns in class if I wanted... but then I felt like I had to come out to another friend who was in that class... so I did and she was accepting but she also outed me to another friend but they were supportive too so I guess its okay... 

 

I'm glad that there are supportive people in your life. You should make sure they know what's going on in your home life too. They might be able to help if your mother gets worse. Take a page from @Aidan5's book as well. He had a good idea. Get ahold of a journal or notebook and devote it to keeping track of the things your mother does to you. It could be very helpful if you need to talk to CPS, a social worker or a judge later.

 

I really hope this gets better for you dear. Being thirteen is hard enough without getting all of this nonsense piled on top.

 

Hugs!

[Benji C]

1 hour ago, Jackie C. said:

Warning from your friendly mod. We can't talk about Trump or politics in this part of the forum. We have a separate section for talking about 45 and his administration. You have no idea what it's costing me to keep this warning civil (I really want to rant), so please keep politics to the relevant section.

 

 

 

Ah I'm so sorry... I completely forgot I even mentioned that... I would edit it out now but I dint know how... I'm sorry it wont happen again....

[Jackie C.]

1 hour ago, Ainsley said:

Ah I'm so sorry... I completely forgot I even mentioned that... I would edit it out now but I dint know how... I'm sorry it wont happen again....

 

You're fine sweetie. I just wanted to make sure nobody else piled on for either side. It's an election year and we're all running a little hot.

 

Hugs!

[TTheta]

Heyo! Reading through this made me realize we actually have quite a bit in common. The first person I came out to was my boyfriend at the time. At first he had the best reaction I could have asked for, "You are still you" is what he said and I was very happy. But he kept using female pronouns and later in front of my theater class when I asked the teacher to use my preferred  name he said "What's wrong with your birth name?" In front of the whole class, Luckily for me I am not really easy to embarrass and I am proud of who I am. To say the least I embarrassed him in return, in front of the whole class and broke up with him. My class was very supportive. (Also I am glad I didn't stay with him because he was talking to other people the same time as me) But after him I came out to my friends who were very supportive, so school became my safe place. At home, things were VERY different. 

 

My Dad said "Are you sure? Maybe you should think about it for a couple months, it could just be a phase." and my stepmom said she was supportive, (People who know me and my struggles know that was a lie from her) She later tried telling me I wasn't trans. and I quote, "My uncle is gay, so I would know if you were trans or not" Which I actually find quite funny. 

 

I too had my phone taken away, like 2-3 years ago, I doubt I will get it back before I move (Which will be anywhere from christmas time to April) But I know what it is like to be torn away from friends and loved ones. I am a very social person and I was scared my friends would forget about me. But I found ways around the obstacle and found other ways to talk to my friends. I am actually on my school chromebook typing this haha. 

 

My Dad and Stepmom thought that I had gotten being trans from the internet when really is was mad obvious when I was younger. My nickname was AJ and I got upset when someone used my birth name. I actually wore a hat and styled my hair to look like I had short hair. I always played as guy characters when the opportunity was given. My family always told me I was more masculine than my brother, which boosted my self esteem so much. My dad should have caught on when I was the one sitting next to him, fishing, while my brother was sleeping in the camper. 

 

My parents too have threatened to kick me out, which I actually encouraged because my (Awesome supportive) Aunt offered to take me in. She actually has trans friends, so she has knowledge and knows my struggles. But now that they know that, they took it back and now pretty much keeping me hostage. 

On 10/17/2020 at 4:26 AM, Jackie C. said:

Get ahold of a journal or notebook and devote it to keeping track of the things your mother does to you. It could be very helpful if you need to talk to CPS, a social worker or a judge later.

From my experience with CPS, they contacted my parents first, MONTHS after I reached out. Since I am moving soon/ turning 18 I am just gonna put up with it for a bit longer. Stay strong though bro, we are here to help as much as we can :DD

 

Sorry I didn't realize how long this got!! Anywho if you wanna talk or need a friend you can always message me! :DD