Self-acceptance

[Guest Marissa Anastasia]

My dearest friends,

I don’t want to be a liability and I try to be positive. That said, I could use a few words of encouragement. I have recurrent depression and I’m riding a roller coaster. I’ve had 3 therapists tell me that my depression is largely due to repressed feelings about crossdressing. I’ve been going from shrink to shrink, the VA of late. They just can’t seem to make any inroads treating it with anti-depressants. As some of you know, I’m taking my first definitive step toward self-acceptance by attending a trans support group on the 13th of this month. I hope it helps. When you fight your inherent proclivities for 5 decades it has to take its toll on you. With me, the whole CD thing boils down to having a condition I have no control over…I’m a fighter by nature, and I’ve had limited and temporary success fighting the urge to CD…part of me says ‘you’ve fought it this long, and the shadows of life are lengthening…it goes something like this: you’ve fought it all your life, why give up the fight so late in life…I’m just having a great deal of difficulty accepting my gender point of equilibrium…if there were some magic potion to make it all go away, I’d take it in a heart beat. But, I’m also a realist, or atleast I like to think so, so why don’t I accept the reality of my gender? Your guess is as good as mine…perhaps it’s the fact that I grew up in a ‘Leave it to Beaver’ culture, not to mention the fact that CDing flies in the face of my deep seated religious views and conditioning.

To conclude, I am taking a first big step toward becoming ‘unstuck’ by attending the T meeting. Maybe this will lead to self-acceptance and address atleast one underlying cause of my depression. These are my thoughts and I welcome yours.

Take good care,

Marissa, aka Meredith

[Guest Justme]

Hi Marrissa...Merideth. It is a hard place to be in when everyone is telling you who to be. And, you know that doesn't work. Be the woman you are....the person you are. We are all there for you. and I am glad you posted, because...we have all gone through or are going through the fears you are facing now. All I can say is ...be true to yourself. That is the only way to find real happiness. It is not an easy road....but it is the road to the true you. Stop fighting yourself. And be good to yourself. You deserve it. And screw the idiots.

[Guest Jeannine Bean]

All I can say is, I finally came to the conclusion that it's much harder to change my brain than I thought. I'm about to mark thirty trips around Sol... and I find it's just not worth it to keep fighting. Besides, what are you fighting? CDing never hurts anyone, other than people's sensibilities. The way I understand it, it's not even something that needs to dominate your life... just do it when you feel like it and go about your life, right? I think you could even pull off a lot of CrossDressing out and about without anyone even noticing.

And as things people do go... I think about stuff where people are into pain, or dangerous things or things where people could really get sick or injured. CDing seems like a really healthy type of self expression -- like playing a musical instrument or painting pictures... I mean, you're a person who wants to express a feminine side, and enjoy your role in life more, right? I say that makes you a BETTER person, a cooler person and a more interesting person.. Some people think painting or acting or arts are really something "males" should not do and in that "leave it to beaver culture" can get really hung up about those things. But how many people then end up not getting to fully express themselves? It's so sad, maybe that our culture has robbed us of great actors and singers and artists, and pretty crossdressers, fun people to hang out with...

--Jeannine

PS: I myself am totally trans, so maybe I misunderstand the situation with regards to Crossdressing, so please forgive me if I've spoken incorrectly in any way and feel free to set me, errmmm.. 'straight.'

[Guest Irielle]

Hi Marissa and thanks for coming here and posting!

I'm so glad you have decided to give up the fight - you will never win and I think you already know that. Accept yourself and be at peace. Have a good long cry for everything you have missed out on and the life you couldn't live and let it go, tell it goodbye. Thank yourself for being strong and being a survivor against terrible odds. You are still here and your real life begins now.

Your heart wants to be free but your head won't let it. You've learned and been conditioned to conform and fit in to your society and its views and prejudices and intolerance and it hasn't worked.

It is NEVER too late to give up the fight. I'm so glad you will be attending a transgender meeting soon! When you meet other specially gendered people, perhaps for the first time, you will feel as if you have come home at last. Please let us know how it goes.

Your dreams and your heart will always tell you the truth and they want you to be who you are and they want you to be happy. You deserve it.

You have many new friends here. Be gentle with yourself and be who you really are, take care always. Iri