Numb Dysphoria?

[LacrimalDuality]

I went back into that dark place at the back of the closet. These last 7 months I've had to revert to acting the part of my assigned self so, I pushed it all away until I felt that familiar numbness. I feel like I have leaned on the NB part of myself to act the part of my AMAB social face and kept the feminine part from being expressed. I keep telling myself that I did what I felt I had to do survive in these times but, I still feel guilt and frustration with myself when I allow myself to feel more than the superficial in the moment social emotions. Honestly I could use some words of encouragement and maybe a little guidance. Is this dysphoria or, am I overthinking things?

[Jackie C.]

It could be dysphoria. We all feel it a little differently. Definitely something to take up with your therapist the next time you see them.

 

As for words of encouragement... how about things are bad now, but they won't get better unless people like you and me gain allies out in the world and we change things. We can't do much alone, but with our friends behind us, we can move mountains. Be true to yourself and fight for your right to be who you need to be.

 

Also, I'm baking pie. When all looks dark and you feel you're skirting the edge, you can also fall back on pie.

 

Hugs!

[Astrid]

1 hour ago, LacrimalDuality said:

Is this dysphoria or, am I overthinking things?

Dysphoria has a way of building up slowly, with flareups along the way triggered by various incidents. Clearly, you're feeling dissatisfaction with the AMAB part of you.  Each of us finds our own way on this journey (when to move forward, when to pause due to circumstances) -- and to the extent we can begin to involve others to discuss our feelings, that's a clear benefit. This forum is one such way to do that.  If there is any possibility of working with an experienced gender therapist, that will be of real benefit.  Certainly for me, after decades of questioning, denial, purging, anger, and what I came to recognize as growing dysphoria, therapy was a key moment soon after I came out to my spouse -- attending together so that we could better communicate, and understand better how this affects each other (my gender identity has affected both my spouse and my adult child -- it's not just about me).

 

With best wishes,

 

Astrid

[Astrid]

1 hour ago, Jackie C. said:

Also, I'm baking pie. When all looks dark and you feel you're skirting the edge, you can also fall back on pie.

@Jackie C.Ooh!  What flavor??  In the meantime, I'll just have a slice of the dark chocolate brownies I baked last night ?

[LacrimalDuality]

Thanks, both of you. I'll have to look into some therapy when I can. it's going to be a little hard for a while yet since I'm between jobs right now but, you've given me a lot to think about. For right now I can keep learning about myself and hopefully soon be able to express myself through my art.

[Jackie C.]

3 hours ago, Astrid said:

@Jackie C.Ooh!  What flavor??  In the meantime, I'll just have a slice of the dark chocolate brownies I baked last night ?

 

Spiced pumpkin. This batch is more about my first-ever home made pie crust though. It needed to be gluten-free and dairy-free.

 

Hugs!

[Astrid]

4 hours ago, LacrimalDuality said:

For right now I can keep learning about myself and hopefully soon be able to express myself through my art.

That's a wonderful way to creatively express yourself!